Don’t be a Halloweiner


I know it’s premature to be talking about things I’m thankful for, but dammit, I’m glad the pagans hijacked Halloween back in the day.  Those earth-humping heathens knew how to party.  Can you imagine what a shitty party it would’ve been if they hadn’t invented Halloween?  No free candy, no blood and guts, no slutty zombies… scratch me off the guest list.

Ok, I might have confused the facts.  One thing I know for sure:  every kid in the U.S. is itchin’ to hit the streets with their killer costumes in pursuit of free candy.  Halloween is the biggest, baddest holiday bash on the calendar for those little squirrels.  Don’t ruin it for them by being a douche bag.

Here’s a few tips to avoid a toilet paper job from the neighborhood kids:

 Turn your light on    

Unless you live in an apartment or your car, there’s no reason for your porch light to be off on Halloween.  Go out right now and spend twenty dollars on some candy for the little gremlins, cheap skate.  People did it for you, now keep the enchantment alive.  If I find out your lights were off on Halloween I’m gonna wash your windows with peanut butter…

Don’t pass out dumb stuff

Do not pass out anything other than candy.  This isn’t an advertising opportunity for your local church or business.  Getting a pamphlet in the pillow case is about as lame as it gets.  The only thing dumber than a flier is a handful of pennies.  Do the kids a favor — put those pennies in your gas tank and drive your lazy ass to the nearest grocery store.  Rule of thumb:  If it doesn’t give you a sugar-buzz, don’t put it in the bag.

No pictures, please

Let me refresh your memory in case you forgot.  The goal on Halloween night is to hit as many porches as possible within a two hour span.  Don’t waste valuable minutes looking for yourPolaroid camera.  I doubt you have a wall of fame dedicated to trick-or-treaters anyways.  You have ten seconds to put the candy in the bag.  Go.

Don’t embrace the Trick

Look, I get it.  Halloween is all about celebrating blood and gore, but don’t bother with all the antics.  Most of the kids that show up aren’t strong enough to carry their own candy, yet alone fend off a violent chainsaw attack.  Don’t be that guy that embraces the Trick part of Trick or Treat.  Don’t you get it?  It’s a rhetorical question.  They aren’t asking for one or the other, it’s just a way to get you to open the door.  If you don’t heed my advice, you might be pawning off that chainsaw to pay for your post-holiday nasal reconstructive surgery.

Bonus Section:  The “Don’t-Buy” Candy List

Be mindful of what kind of candy you pass out.  Kids have a very keen palette.  They’re experts in the field, and they know what they like and don’t like.  Don’t pass out the following:

  • Whoppers – I don’t even know what these things are.  But, if I had to guess I’d say they were mothballs covered with chocolate.
  • Raisinettes – Here’s another one I don’t get.  Why do candy companies think they can put chocolate on anything and make it taste good?  A raisin, last I checked, is a shriveled grape.  Why not chocolate-covered shoe laces?  These things look and taste like rabbit pellets.
  • Mound/Almond Joy Bars – You should feel like a nut when you buy this crap.  I don’t know why they were even invented.  Apparently some desperate candy-chemist thought coconuts tasted better with chocolate on them.  Newsflash:  nothing makes a coconut palatable.  That man should have been fired and deported.
  • Marshmallow Candies – Another candy invention gone wrong.  I don’t think these things even decompose.  There are probably millions of them – still in the wrapper – buried in landfills across the U.S.  I think they should change the name from Peeps to Poops.
  • Popcorn Balls – Popcorn is cool at the movie theater, but not that cool when it’s shaped into a ball, held together with Elmer’s Glue.  Wtf were they thinking?  One positive thing about them is that they make awesome projectiles.  I wouldn’t recommend passing them out if your house has windows.

I hope I was able to provide some closure for last year’s unfortunate toilet-papering incident.  Pass out jumbo-sized candy bars — the bigger the better.  Think like a kid. Don’t be a Halloweiner this year, or it might happen again.

P.S.  I hope a zombie eats your face off, Pat Robertson. 

     -Happy Halloween Bitchers!

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60 comments

  4. desertrose7

    I like chocolate covered raisins, and chocolate covered coconut…cover the marshmallow with chocolate and I LOVE it….heck, cover anything with chocolate and I’ll eat it. Oh my God! Now you’ve flipped the chocolate craving switch in my brain!

    Reply
      • pommepal

        Well now I have lived in UK, NZ and now OZ. I am of vintage years and in all that time have only had 4 halloweeners knock on my door, and in each case they were neighbours kids, and accompanied by Mom. In my long gone childhood in UK I don’t think I even heard of Halloween. So sad…..

  7. Katie

    The don’t-buy candy list should be law. When I was first reading this, I thought these were your favorites, and I almost threw up all over my keyboard.

    Reply
  8. Shannygirl

    I use to love whoppers, especially in a blender w/ some vanilla ice cream! I don’t care for them anymore.. and the peeps are just gross! Not sure if your old enough to remember but my favorite candy bar growing up was the Marathon bar!!!!!! YUUUMMMM…

    Reply
      • Shannygirl

        They quit making them. Have you ever seen the show “Unwrapped”? They did an episode about candy from the past and that is the only candy bar that you cannot find anywhere. It was really good rich caramel that was in a chain shape then covered in milk chocolate.. it was ooey and gooey and good…

  9. AMooreOn

    Well I’m going to go sit in my shame corner eating my chocolate covered mothballs, surrounded by leftover wrappers of Mounds. Please don’t PB my windows – I just got my kids to stop licking them. :)

    Reply
  10. Words for Worms

    I’m fully stocked. 300 little bags stuffed with candy. A mix of fruity and chocolate. I know how to treat my Trick-or-Treaters, and I appreciate the inexpensive insurance it buys me from pranksters. No eggs on my house, yo!

    Reply
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  12. nephiriel

    “chocolate covered moth balls!”… now that does sound good! :P
    over the past 2-3 years, Halloween has kind of ‘boomed’ over here in Germany… it’s really sweet to see, we never celebrated it before.
    I am pretty sure most of the candy i bought will remain in the bowl though… still way too few kids on the prowl… and I already spoil those who do show up! *sigh*

    Sweet post – loved your sentence-constructions… made me smirk!
    Happy Halloween (from a slightly jealous German who’d love to see more kiddies in the streets tonight)!!

    Reply
  13. jennsmidlifecrisis

    I remember getting handfuls of those cheap caramel kisses. You had to suck on them b/c they were too hard to chew and if you did manage to bite down, your jaw was jammed for hours! I always buy the good chocolates (including a whole box for me). I’ve been dressed for it all day, and I’m home alone tonight (bwa ha ha). I’ve threatened to turn off the lights and eat all the chocolate by myself. If you come for me with pb – don’t forget the jam! I like strawberry!.

    Reply
  15. thecheekydiva

    You can just take all those Whoppers, Raisinettes, Almond Joys and Mounds bars and mail them to me. When I get them, I’ll mail you all of my leftover Mr. Goodbars, Chico-Sticks, black licorice and Peeps. I know you secretly love the Peeps. Sound like a fair trade?

    Reply
  16. Ad-libb3d

    I laughed all the way through this. Your “don’t buy” candy list is spot on. The guy who invented Mounds and it’s crappy twin deserves a kick in his almonds.

    Reply
  20. julesagray

    Whenever I hear the term ‘moth balls’, I’m reminded of a joke my southern belle debutante of a mom who easily coulda been the inspiration for Ouiser Boudreaux told me once upon a time. It goes something like this:
    “hey Julia, have you ever smelled moth balls?”
    “Yes mom, I have.”
    “Oh really? How did you get his legs apart?”
    HEY NOW!!!!

    Reply
  21. Celeste Smith

    Loved your post…you hit it right on! It amazes me how many people bitch about having to buy a bag of candy while in line for a 10 dollar mochacrappachino at Starbucks…i mean I may be a bit biased here (my blog after all is called Halloween Culture) BUT seriously it doesn’t take much effort to impress the little ones…I admit my balls out version of the Halloween celebration is not something I would recommend for everyone, but a few candy bars and a witch hat? Absolutely! :)

    Reply
    • Adam S

      Thanks!! You’re totally right. I think it really sucks for the kids, you know? I think they’re just bitter people. I would absolutely love to see your place at Halloween — it’s gonna be off the chain!

      Reply
      • Celeste Smith

        Thanks Adam!!…I gotta admit it’s pretty out of control…This year we built a 7ft wooden coffin out of antique wood and transformed it into a photo booth for our guests to take pictures in! Trouble is, its so heavy it’s still in our dining room…not sure what we’re going to do for Christmas dinner but we’ll just cross that road when we get to it, won’t we? :) take care and let us know if you’re in our neck of the woods next Halloween!

      • Celeste Smith

        The world’s most famous address… Niagara Falls Canada! (hey i just thought of something…we should petition the city to black light the falls next yr for Halloween…now THAT would be epic!)

  23. Pingback: My Right to Bitch Facts and Fallacies | The Artist Formerly Known as MY RIGHT TO BITCH

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