I know it’s premature to be talking about things I’m thankful for, but dammit, I’m glad the pagans hijacked Halloween back in the day. Those earth-humping heathens knew how to party. Can you imagine what a shitty party it would’ve been if they hadn’t invented Halloween? No free candy, no blood and guts, no slutty zombies… scratch me off the guest list.
Ok, I might have confused the facts. One thing I know for sure: every kid in the U.S. is itchin’ to hit the streets with their killer costumes in pursuit of free candy. Halloween is the biggest, baddest holiday bash on the calendar for those little squirrels. Don’t ruin it for them by being a douche bag.
Here’s a few tips to avoid a toilet paper job from the neighborhood kids:
Turn your light on
Unless you live in an apartment or your car, there’s no reason for your porch light to be off on Halloween. Go out right now and spend twenty dollars on some candy for the little gremlins, cheap skate. People did it for you, now keep the enchantment alive. If I find out your lights were off on Halloween I’m gonna wash your windows with peanut butter…
Don’t pass out dumb stuff
Do not pass out anything other than candy. This isn’t an advertising opportunity for your local church or business. Getting a pamphlet in the pillow case is about as lame as it gets. The only thing dumber than a flier is a handful of pennies. Do the kids a favor — put those pennies in your gas tank and drive your lazy ass to the nearest grocery store. Rule of thumb: If it doesn’t give you a sugar-buzz, don’t put it in the bag.
No pictures, please
Let me refresh your memory in case you forgot. The goal on Halloween night is to hit as many porches as possible within a two hour span. Don’t waste valuable minutes looking for yourPolaroid camera. I doubt you have a wall of fame dedicated to trick-or-treaters anyways. You have ten seconds to put the candy in the bag. Go.
Don’t embrace the Trick
Look, I get it. Halloween is all about celebrating blood and gore, but don’t bother with all the antics. Most of the kids that show up aren’t strong enough to carry their own candy, yet alone fend off a violent chainsaw attack. Don’t be that guy that embraces the Trick part of Trick or Treat. Don’t you get it? It’s a rhetorical question. They aren’t asking for one or the other, it’s just a way to get you to open the door. If you don’t heed my advice, you might be pawning off that chainsaw to pay for your post-holiday nasal reconstructive surgery.
Bonus Section: The “Don’t-Buy” Candy List
Be mindful of what kind of candy you pass out. Kids have a very keen palette. They’re experts in the field, and they know what they like and don’t like. Don’t pass out the following:
- Whoppers – I don’t even know what these things are. But, if I had to guess I’d say they were mothballs covered with chocolate.
- Raisinettes – Here’s another one I don’t get. Why do candy companies think they can put chocolate on anything and make it taste good? A raisin, last I checked, is a shriveled grape. Why not chocolate-covered shoe laces? These things look and taste like rabbit pellets.
- Mound/Almond Joy Bars – You should feel like a nut when you buy this crap. I don’t know why they were even invented. Apparently some desperate candy-chemist thought coconuts tasted better with chocolate on them. Newsflash: nothing makes a coconut palatable. That man should have been fired and deported.
- Marshmallow Candies – Another candy invention gone wrong. I don’t think these things even decompose. There are probably millions of them – still in the wrapper – buried in landfills across the U.S. I think they should change the name from Peeps to Poops.
- Popcorn Balls – Popcorn is cool at the movie theater, but not that cool when it’s shaped into a ball, held together with Elmer’s Glue. Wtf were they thinking? One positive thing about them is that they make awesome projectiles. I wouldn’t recommend passing them out if your house has windows.
I hope I was able to provide some closure for last year’s unfortunate toilet-papering incident. Pass out jumbo-sized candy bars — the bigger the better. Think like a kid. Don’t be a Halloweiner this year, or it might happen again.
P.S. I hope a zombie eats your face off, Pat Robertson.
-Happy Halloween Bitchers!
- 10 Candy Tumblrs to Fix Your Sweet Tooth (mashable.com)
- Top 5 Picks For ‘Best Halloween Candy’ (wycd.cbslocal.com)
- What Candy You Give Out For Halloween, Says A Lot About You (1019litefm.cbslocal.com)
- The Real Halloween Horror: Trick or Treat Candy’s Bitter Human Toll (dailyfinance.com)