Making Constructive Use of Political Yard Signs


Now that election season is over we can finally yank all those stupid political yard signs.  Sigh of relief.  But, being the earth-humping, new age hippie that I am, I’m concerned by the tremendous amount of potential waste being generated here.  The optimist inside me assumes that someone has a plan to collect and recycle them, rather than toss them on top of a landfill pile.  I won’t hold my breath…

Just in case the decision makers aren’t as forward thinking as I’m assuming they are, I’ve constructed a short list of recycling plans that should be considered by your community.

Here’s a few ways we could Make Constructive use of Political Yard Signs:

“Coming in second place has never felt so good!”

Build a Retirement Community for Ex-Presidential Hopefuls

Ex-presidential hopefuls deserve to retire comfortably too.  I think it would be a nice gesture to have them put up in an apartment community constructed entirely out of yard signs.  Sounds green to me?  Let’s see how much you love your planet — seeing that you’ve all had enthusiastic eco-plans built into your campaigns.  Oh, and no frivolous misuse of tax dollars allowed.  We’ll provide whatever amenities you’d like, ex-hopefuls, so long as it can be constructed out of yard signs.  A swimming pool you say?  Maybe we can figure something out using the plastic ones.  Enjoy your golden years Al Gore, but keep your hands off the in-home nurses.

Build a Bitchin’ Croquet Course

My vote goes to a Croquet course.  A very, very big one.  I’m thinking we might need to zone a piece of land the size of Connecticut to really make this happen.  Create more jobs?  Done and done!  We can even have the course run through the retirement community.  I’m sure Mitt is a real knocker at it already.

Here’s a picture of the proposed Olympic training course. Its just a rough design for now…

Olympic Hurdler Training Facility

Bring home the gold young U.S. Olympians, but stop wasting money on all of that high-tech training equipment.   Am I the only one that saw Rocky?  The Italian Stallion kept it modest.  Punch a rack of beef, screw the heavy bag.  Political yard signs would make great hurdles for our Olympic track and field hopefuls.  Chop, chop, chop, Romney!  Chop, chop, chop, Obama!  Chop, chop, chop, Gary Johnson!  Sounds kind of fun, doesn’t it?   Equestrian facilities should also be considered for sign shipments.

Feed them to Goats

Are goats a naturally occurring animal?  I’m starting to wonder if they were produced by a lab technician somewhere in the remote Nevada desert.  Goats will eat anything short of rocket fuel.  Why pass on millions of pounds of potential livestock feed?  I say shred all of the signs and ship them off to goat farms.  We eat steroid-injected beef supposedly, why not bullshit-injected goat?

Nudist Colony Fencing

I think a large shipment of signs should be distributed to nudist colonies for privacy reinforcement measures.  Not for the sake of the colonists of course, but for the sake of everyone else passing by.  It seems like all of the people that I don’t want to see walking around in the buff are the folks that love showing off their sag and jigglies the most.  Please, embrace clothing!  Hearing the term “birthday suit” brings a hot burp to the top of my neck.

Hmm. Looks kind calm out this afternoon…

Wind Energy Overhaul

Here’s another idea that I’m surprised no one else has considered yet.  Experts are always spatting back and forth about how to create more green energy jobs, but the enormous cost and infrastructure required always seems to settle the debate prematurely.  Why don’t we just pass out a couple million yard signs to jobless folks and have them fan the turbines?  With that much man power, those propellers would be spinning like a ceiling fan.  Low cost, high efficiency.  I think we might be on to something…

*****

Let’s all raise our glasses together and toast to the end of the campaign trail.  Cheers!  And remember, there’s no problem that can’t be solved without a little bit of ingenuity…

I’m looking forward to hearing your ideas!

-Happy Blogging!

56 comments

  1. nrhatch

    This is a bitchin’ post full of great ideas. My favorite . . . feed the signs to goats. They will eat anything . . . including elephants, donkeys, and jackasses! :D

    • nrhatch

      This brainstorming session is the bomb.

      OK, so here’s my idea . . . tires, flip flops, 2-litre bottles, and even sneakers are chopped up and reformed into re-purposed items, right? Maybe we can re-build the amusement piers at the Jersey Shore from shredded campaign posters?

      And we can create new jobs in the process ~ we’ll need people to man the shredders to start.

      • Karen J

        Right On, Nancy, about rebuilding stuff.
        …and we could MAKE flip-flops and sneakers and polyester-anything out of ‘em, too – ad infinitum!

      • Adam S

        Nancy, you are my new favorite person. You may be on to something here. I would only request a 85% royalty fee when your endeavor takes off. We can negotiate percentages, no big deal. You have my pager number, contact me at your convenience –

      • Adam S

        Karen, you will be working with Nancy on this project. I’m officially appointing you as second in command behind lead manufacturer, Nancy.

  2. Miriam E.

    “We eat steroid-injected beef supposedly, why not bullshit-injected goat?”
    BAHAHAHA! that one slayed me. i’d volunteer for the ‘fanning the turbines’-job. sounds incredibly good to me – no thinking… and i might even be allowed to bring my own chair if i play my cards (signs?) right.
    excellent writing, as always!

  3. Adam S

    Thanks Miriam, sometimes I surprise myself with how brilliant I am. ;) If I catch “wind” of any open positions, I’ll definitely pass them on to you. Bring your headphones…

      • singlemom'sblatherbubbleblog

        Not as much outdoors as I once did since my favorite place was lost in a huge wildfire. I’ve been to Blacks Beach in La Jolla quite a few times. There is a place in Borrego Springs that I am going to check out. It is true that most of the people there are older and do sag in all sorts of strange ways. I guess, I like the fact that they are so comfortable which makes me fret less about my own aging body. Have you tried it? It’s weird that swimming minuse a 2 piece bikini feels soooo good.

      • Adam S

        Well, I’ve never worn a two-piece bikini before, so I can’t relate to the liberating feeling you’ve experienced. Why do they call it a nudist “colony” anyways? When I think of a colony I think of ants and pilgrims…I’m not sure I’ll be applying for a membership anytime in the near future, personally.

        P.S. I bet you don’t post too many vacation photos on facebook, eh? :)

  4. thecheekydiva

    I’m going to cut mine into strips and weave them into rugs. Then I will trade them at the food co-op for some organic peaches. I will take to them to the community college, that’s hosting a seminar on baking pies, so they can make them into peach pies for me. These I will take to the local flea market and trade them for purses and plant hangers made from hemp. Then I will trade those at my local surplus store for some poster board and paint to make some political signs for next time around. I’m all about green and repurposing and shit. You will be able to see all the steps and the wonderful handcrafted items on my Pinterest boards. (Anything left over I will sell in my Etsy store.)

  5. Ad-libb3d

    I’m up for a rockin’ round of croquet, for certain!
    Still, they’re plastic and waterproof, right? How about we sew a bunch together in a long line and make the world’s longest and most colourful slip ‘n slide?

    • Adam S

      I swear to god I thought about that. I always thought it would be sweet to have a 4 mile slip and slide. I’m tellin’ you man, you and me? We’re connected haha! Maybe we’re cousins or something?

      • Ad-libb3d

        A four-mile slip and slide! YES! The best part is that the names are already there, making for easy references and fun conversation afterward, as in: “Hey man, did you see me speed up when I hit Stroud?” or “Dude! I nearly lost it on Bailey!” or “Did anyone else get their ass chapped by Romney?”
        (By the way, those work way better if you say them in your head using a Keanu voice…just sayin’).

      • Adam S

        I agree. King of Queens, I’m commissioning you as head architect. We will meet to go over blue prints for lunch. Fax me your schedule…

  6. Katie

    This is hilarious! I seriously hate those signs. Me and my friend were actually just talking about these yesterday, and how if you had a sign out for the losing candidate, if it were me, I’d be sneaking out as soon as I heard they lost and getting rid of the evidence before people start driving past my house and seeing my election shame right out in front. I’m personally on board with the croquet course.

    • Adam S

      Well, what do we have here? Mrs. big shot still managed to revisit her roots after being FP’d! We’ll play a round of croquet together when its constructed. How many hits did you get the day of?

  7. Kathryn McCullough

    OMG–this is brilliant, Adam! I make art out of recycled materials–idiomART on Etsy and FB–so I think these ideas are bitchin’. I’d like to consult on the potential uses of yard sings in art-making and holiday gift-wrapping. I have a number of posts on using upcycled stuff as part of packaging. Seriously, this is hilarious–and bottom line–Important. You might consider contributing a piece like this to the Huffington Post.
    Hugs,
    Kathy

    • Adam S

      Thank you so much Kathryn! I’m completely flattered by your comment. I’d love to help out with your holiday gift-wrapping project too. Feel free to email me direct — I’m sure I could provide an idea or two! Your suggestion about contributing to the Huffington Post intrigues me. I’m looking at the website as I type, but not sure how I would go about doing so? Have you done it before? Let me know! Thanks again!

  8. Ericka Clay

    You’re the one trying to fence in my nudist colony?? I do not approve sir, I do not approve. Seriously though, this was really funny. And now I’m highly suspicious of goats.

  9. Pingback: Making Constructive Use of Political Yard Signs « My Right To Bitch | My Cheap Signs
  10. sagedoyle

    Sorry if this is a duplicate but it says I said it, but it doesn’t seem to have been posted and yeah…. here goes: Merry Christmas Adam, and Happy New Year!!!!

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