Whatever Happened to Thanksgiving?
“I didn’t have enough time to eat Turkey this year because I was busy being a consumer whore.”
Apparently, Santa Claus went on another week-long bender up at the North Pole and decided to drive his sleigh right through the pilgrim picnic table. Give that slob a DUI ticket and throw him in jail until December. Run tell that, Rudolph.
What the hell’s going on here? When I was a kid the Christmas season didn’t start until December. Nowadays, people are tripping over pumpkins trying to get their lights stapled to the house. It’s no wonder the rest of the world hates the U.S. We’re not thankful for anything unless its a 50% off Black Friday deal. By next year, we’ll all be eating turkeys stuffed with candy canes, and it’ll only progress from there. I’m holding a clump of mistletoe above my back pocket right now. You know the procedure…
Maybe I’m over-reacting. Maybe Santa’s just addressing his chronic procrastination once and for all. Congratulations. It only took a couple thousand years for him to figure out that it’s a lot easier to manage the big delivery day by planning ahead a little more. I’m probably way off though. Common sense leads me to believe that someone who’s capable of delivering trillions of parcels in one evening probably isn’t thinking about Christmas past the month of December. It’s not like he has a thirty day return policy – that’s your problem, kid.
If that’s the case it begs the question: what exactly goes on at the North Pole Headquarters for the rest of the calendar year?
Just another Friday night at the North Pole. This jolly old elf is overworked and underpaid.
I’d imagine there isn’t a lot to do up there — regardless of what time of the year it is – other than play with some kid’s Xbox or GI Joes. That means Chris Kringle is probably out at the bars getting looped on eggnog when he isn’t wrapping presents. I can picture his jolly ass stumbling back to the house — drunk and belligerent — telling dirty jokes to all of the disgruntled elves, and decking the halls with moldy beer cans. That might explain the beer gut and rosy cheeks.
And to think, for all those years you were convinced he was eating the cookies and milk you left out. Yeah right. The deer ate those. Saint Nick was eating your leftover Chinese food in the fridge, and pounding down half your liquor cabinet. If it’s linked to seasonal depression, I apologize. I’m way out of line.
He can’t be all that jolly though. How many managers have you worked for that haven’t been complete jerk-offs during a high-stress work week? Whatever they’re all uptight about pales in comparison. Try dealing with his mess. Stop crying about your yearly inventory…
Hostile Holiday Takeover
The reality is that it’s quickly becoming like a corporate merger, or more accurately, a hostile takeover. The Chris Kringle Corporation has gained majority market share of consumer focus during the month of November. As a result, the Pilgrims and Turkey Corporation have agreed to sign over their rights to the official Thanksgiving holiday. From now on the two entities will act as one. Here’s what we can expect moving forward:
- It will be mandated that Turkeys be stuffed with garland rather than traditional bread stuffing
- Christmas lights, decorations, and trees must be in place no later than November 1st
- Thanksgiving floats must incorporate at least one Reindeer, Elf, or fucking Jingle Bell
- One member of every U.S. household must spend at least one night camping outside of a big-box store prior to Black Friday.
To hell with all that. Since nobody else wants to celebrate Thanksgiving anymore, I’ll just have to enjoy it myself. In loving remembrance of the holiday, here’s a few things that i’m thankful for.
“Oh sure, now you tell me not to use water on a grease fire…”
Things I’m thankful for
- Microwaves — There’s a good chance that many of my future Thanksgivings will consist of microwavable Turkey Dinners and Hot Pockets. Keep me away from stoves. The only thing I know how to do well with a stove is start grease fires. Bless you Mr. Microwave oven inventor guy. Two minutes is about how long I like to wait before I eat anyways.
- Electric Blankets — My favorite winter time activity is sleeping. I’m like a bear. My metabolism slows to a crawl, and my heart rate drops to about 12 bpm’s for the duration of winter. Without the aid of an electric blanket I might not ever make it out alive.
- Jessica Biel – What a hottie. That’s all.
- Amazon.com — When the mad shopping dash starts, I’ll be sitting at the finish line drinking a glass of eggnog. Three days after that, all of my online orders will be wrapped and sitting under the tree. Take that you fist-fighting consumer whores.
- Aspirin– I’ll definitely be stockpiling these for the holiday season. I usually keep a bottle on me anyways in case I run into a small talker. I think it would be kind of fun if they fit in a Pez dispenser. At least I could have a chuckle before I double over from a holiday-induced migraine.
- WordPress — I’m really glad I stumbled upon it. There’s nothing I miss more than having a homework assignment on Sunday nights since graduating. At least this homework has been fun…
I don’t wanna hear anymore Christmas music, talk about shopping, or see any holiday lights. To the chunky guy in the red suit, I say wait your turn. Let’s not be hasty in hustling the Indian Corn and Hand-Turkey art projects back into storage just yet. This is supposed to be a time to relax, and to put out the family feud fires from last Thanksgiving…
…Enjoy your Holiday, consumer whores.
What Are You Thankful For? Make ‘em good…
-Happy Blogging
Related articles
- Too soon for Santa? When Mr. Claus gives pause (mercurynews.com)
- Thanksgiving Trivia – What is the earliest date Thanksgiving can occur? (jeromeshaw.wordpress.com)
What am I thankful for? My brains, wicked wit and magnificent rack.
I’m a fan of all of the above Jules!
See, that’s why you are cherished.
fucking right
I loved it ! Yes, the holidays are mingled. Costco was a joke with their Halloween Costumes, Fall and Christmas decorations out at once. Thank you for a great read!
They might as well merge all three holidays? Christmas is getting bigger and longer every year — it’s like a third of the calendar now…
Hallothanksmas. I’m feeling it.
What a gross thought, Jean.
Thankful for?
Cans of Spam.
Spam = Spit + Ham
Note to self….ask Santa to remove his hat the next time he comes to my house.
Are you referring to the hat on top of drunk Santa’s wanker?
Is this a True/False test?
Look at the Santa picture in this post, if that helps.
Note to self….next time just say yes.
All I know is that if I ever end up in prison, it’ll be because I’m guilty of assaulting (and possibly murdering) some asshat who comes at me too early in the season with a cheery “Merry Christmas.” Or puts up an inflatable santa in his yard on November 5th. Or takes my parking spot at a mall on December 24th when I desperately need to get in to buy a last minute pair of slipper socks as a gift for someone. Or a combination of all of the above.
Screw it. Someone pass the Bailey’s, will ya?
I drank all the Bailey’s already, otherwise I would. We are definitely on the same page my friend! I love the parking lot fights, those are the best to watch —> “Merry Christmas, asswipe!”
Funny – just blogged about something similar. At least we don’t have Thanksgiving to worry about here in Oz!
I’m gonna check it out!
Ho Ho Ho . . . consumer whores, indeed!
This post is Fabulous.
I have never gone to a Black Friday Sale. I never will.
I experience the pushing and shoving vicariously. On TV.
I refuse to turn my attention to Christmas until AFTER Thanksgiving has been fully digested.
Thank you Nancy. The word Fabulous — especially with a capital “F” — is a high compliment. Don’t you love watching the nightly news stories unravel? How ridiculous!
You said it so well. That Santa bugger is muscling in where he doesn’t belong. If he isn’t stopped, we may see him leading the Fourth of July parade some day.
Don’t post ideas like that in public! They’re watching us right now…
Thanksgiving is too soft. It was only a matter of time before it surrendered to Christmas. But I think Halloween is still important and offensive to enough people that if we expand the Halloween season into the early days of November, we could have a shot at chasing Christmas back into December…
That’s actually a really good idea. I’ll get my chainsaw out right now…
I’m thankful that I no longer work in retail! I worked at a department store for almost 10 years (They had us start putting out Christmas stuff in September!!). I don’t care if their giving shit away free, I’ll stay home and do all my shopping online while sitting around in my pajamas.
And as for decorations, I refuse to put any up until at least the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I take ‘em down December 26th.
Piss on retail! You’re a saint. I’d rather dig trenches, or clean out portable toilets then work in a retail store in December…
Brilliant, my friend! Bitching brilliant. Thanks for the Thanksgiving laughs–at poor Santa’s expense, of course.
Happy early holidays to you!
Hugs,
Kathy
Thanks Kathy! If I got you to laugh, I did my job. Same to you!! Btw, I’m playing catch-up here…I’m still trying to get around to it, but I’m dying to read your “hoarding” post. Talk soon!
First of all, I would classify Walmart as a “necessary evil”, and try to avoid it at all costs, but I did have to venture in there about 3 weeks ago. Fucking HUGE mistake, because they were already playing Christmas music, and you know how damn hard that stuff is to get out of your head!
I shall also be doing my shopping from the comfort of my couch, with my feet kicked up. I don’t need a freakin’ TV, or a damn Xbox so bad that I am willing to risk life and limb for it. What a pathetic, “stuff” driven country we’ve become. I miss George Carlin.
Man, you and me both. George Carlin was brilliant. I still watch all of his old stuff! I like to make up my own Christmas music to the tune of whatever is stuck in my head. It’s usually really dirty. It helps…
Give us a sample of some of your tunes!
*To the Tune of Jingle Bells*
(sing it for the full effect)
Dashing through the store,
With an empty shopping cart,
Through the isles I go,
Bitching all the way!
Sales on speakers ring,
Makes me start to sweat,
Some jerk-off grabbed the last CD
I think I’ll start a fight!
Oh! Dingle-berries, Dingle-berries,
Something really smells!
Oh, what fun it is to shop
on the night of Christmas Eve, hey!
hahaha. . .I was singing it in my head!! Now I will be on a mission to come up with one of my own! Hopefully it will keep me from running over some asshole in a store with my shopping cart.
Look for it on iTunes next week. $9.99 per song.
At my Dad’s house we had a rule; no Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. I am extremely disgruntled to hear it play in stores right after Halloween.. And now I’me even more jaded by Christmas, after I read the other day that one of the main reasons Christmas is celebrated Dec 25th is that the Roman Catholic church needed a holiday to rival and draw ppl away from the coinciding Winter pagan holiday.
Yup . . . the church picked a random date and then assigned SATAN (oops, I mean SANTA) a lead role ~ all in a nefarious plot to gather heathens and pagans into the Christian fold.
Heathen!!
That’s me!
Nobody likes Pagans — what gives? I’m beside myself anymore with the whole Christmas music in October thing. I don’t get it. I think marketers believe it puts people in the “Christmas Spirit”…it makes me want to choke someone with a strand of house lights !!
Well put.
Christmas music before December arrives is nauseating.
Except for The Grinch song.
It’s cheer inducing any time of year.
“You’re a rotter, Mr. Grinch. A nasty wasty elf. You’re as cuddly as a cactus. You’ve got garlic up your nose. Mr. Grinch. You’re a greasy black banana with arsenic sauce.”
(And the actual lyrics are better still.)
I’ll stash that one in the nauseating category too haha!
Maybe you should start spiking your egg nog more.
I’,m ones tep aheadf of youu
This was worth the wait lol. Love the aspirin in a pez dispenser idea, and the inebriated, naked Santa pic. Ok, I’m thankful for your blog
Hell yeah! I’m surprised your the first one to say it? You rock Sage.
What about Hanukkah? Guess Santa doesn’t visit Jews, I should tell the family across the street from me that this year they shouldn’t put a reindeer in the middle of the star of David :-/… oh yea I’m thankful for you Mr.Adam, you and your witty cheekiness. Cheers!
You’re welcome, thanks for reading!!
“I’m holding a clump of mistletoe above my back pocket right now. You know the procedure…” heh, that made me snort. thankfully, the damage done was minimal – a contained outbreak. (i’ll make sure to add all the ruined future objects to a list – if you keep making me laugh while i drink, you’ll owe me… or maybe i should just not drink when reading you stuff. hm.)
over here in germany, the stores are packed with christmas stuff no later than october 1st – thank the big corporations who don’t have enough money yet for taking christmas and and making it annoying as hell. just shows where our society is going.
since we don’t celebrate thanksgiving, i’ll gladly accept your offer to say what i’m thankful for (i never ever get the opportunity):
- people who still know how use their brains
- the ultimate combo: chocolate+coffee+cigarette
- pajama bottoms (aaaaaahhh)
- books ( no, i don’t mean ebooks!)
- batteries (get your mind out of the gutter, they’re for my mouse and keyboard)
- french fries and fried chicken
- peace, love and harmony (because it is expected of me to say that, right?)
- children ( no matter what happens, they still see christmas as a beautiful experience)
- sleep.
…. i could go on forever, but i think i spammed your comment thread enough as it is.
awesome post!
Thanks for snorting M! Oh, and please don’t bill me until after the holidays. I’m gonna send you an insulated box of chicken in a bucket for Christmas — we’ll call it even. Keep your eye on the mailbox. Oh, and I think you’re lying about the batteries…
chicken in a box? not as good as a bucket, but… deal.
oh and i don’t lie. in case you care to disagree, here’s this big foam baseball bat i wanted to try out anyways…
Does that take batteries too?
*thunk*
*thunk thunk*
now all i have to do is whistle my way out the back door and look as innocent as possible…
Agreed on all points my genius friend. My ideal Christmas involves leaving the country right after Halloween and returning in February. Preferably a warm country with a beach and an aversion to ridiculous celebrations glorifying fictional characters and guilt-driven gift giving. There, I said it.
Oh, and I’m thankful you gave me my hat back before you took the picture…
Word. I’m right behind you man. We’ll do a couple tequila shooters together after I land! Thanks for putting your hat on btw…
I’ll set em up!
I enjoy Christmas…but don’t rush me. I heard some corny song in a store today, by a nasal “kid” asking Santa for a hippo and I nearly vomited on the sales clerk….Soon I’ll break out my Arrogant Worms Christmas Turkey cd though and start singing: Santa’s Gonna Kick Your Ass and I’ll feel better! http://www.arrogantworms.com/?s=santa+ass
Shirley temple was a cutie, but spare me the song small small-fry. The song that Madonna did is even worse! It makes my skin crawl…ek. Love the link you dropped, btw. I enjoy a good loony tune every now and then!
Oh we’re the boys in chorus, we hope you like our show.
We know you’re routing for us…but now we have to go.
d_O_b <—that means "two thumbs up". I made that up on the fly just now. It will be huge in no time.
Hilarious, as always. Frankly, I started putting my Christmas decorations back in August. I just wanted to be REALLY ahead of the game. As we speak I’m eating a candy, drinking eggnog, hauling out the holly, AND decking the hall. Merry Christmas! …Oh. I mean, Happy Thanksgiving!
Apparently I’m only decking one hall. Rebel without a cause over here.
You’re sick…I hope you break out into hives from your moldy Christmas decorations!
the bonus of using amazon for all your christmas shopping is that they come with boxes already – making them much easier to wrap!!
found your blog via thecheekydiva and loved the title…
Word. Definitely a added perk. I think I’m going to start shopping today, I should be done with everyone in fifteen minutes. You don’t need socks you say? Too bad, they were 30% off on Amazon.
Thanks for droppin’ by! Cheeky’s the bomb.
I’m thankful that I got so fucked up the night before Thanksgiving that I slept through Thanksgiving. I’m also thankful for Amazon Prime membership. Free shipping bitches! Now, Adam, don’t go setting yourself on fire with your electric blanket. Why, just last week I set my oven on fire. Don’t ask. Or I’ll tell you about the time I accidentally set my hair on fire last year.
I wanna hear both stories. Stat.
The first time I was in my living room and I fell asleep sideways in my chair with my hair flung over the arm rest. There was a candle on the side table next to it. When I woke up I couldn’t figure out where all that smoke was coming from. Then, it hit me. And life sucked the whole week after that because no amount of shampoo can get that smell out.
Classic! How much of your wig did you lose?
It wasn’t that bad. If you look at my About Tales from the Dark Roast Side page, there’s a picture of exactly just how much hair I have. It’s a lot. It barely made a dent!
The second time was a few weeks ago, I was trying to make some Paleo Bread, because I’m having a lot of success with the Paleo Diet. I turned the oven on to pre-heat it and didn’t realize I had a plastic cover in the oven until 10 minutes later when I went to put my dough in. The plastic was melting and there was a fire. So, I called the fire department. The greatest part of the story is that they even cleaned my oven out where they were here! I was going to write a story on how to bake Paleo bread, but I haven’t even been successful in making, or eating any yet!
That’s fucking awesome! Dude, I’m gonna have to pop on over and have a sit down on your blog soon. Sounds like you’re full of good stories!
I can’t seem to cook anything without screwing it up. I burn toast regularly. It sounds like a joke, but I’m being honest. I suck at cooking…
Im thankful that Im too lazy to exercise. Being big makes me almost impossible to kidnap, so I dont have to worry about that stranger behind me when I stumble home from the bar at 4am.
I’m going to frame this comment and hang it next to my writing desk. That is the best one-liner I’ve heard all day!
*Being big makes me almost impossible to kidnap*
Thanks! I love your blog by the way, I plan on virtual stalking you for the next few days… lol
Hell yeah! Thanks, stalk away! I’m gonna be droppin’ a couple of funny ones within’ the week. As soon as things *normalize* a bit —
Ha! Lord, another great post! And hilarious to boot even though I completely disagree! I love Christmas, and the sooner I can break out the decorations, the better! Matter of fact, I finished my decorating a week ago — and that’s late for me! Of course, I’m a Canadian and Thanksgiving was waaay back at the beginning of October not the end of November, so… I guess *maybe* you have a point.
Thanks for the props Wendy! You’re lucky, over here it’s nothing but a commercial holiday anymore. The trees go up in the department stores in October here. Makes me want to barf…It’s losing it’s meaning, quickly.
Yeah, I hear ya. But don’t let it get you down. Even amongst all the senseless early consumerism you can still find some positive points. Christmas is something worth celebrating and while people really should exhibit the “Christmas Spirit” all year long, I’m so desperate for them to just be civil to one another that if it takes putting up a Christmas tree in October to get them to cheer up a bit and show a little brotherly love? I say do it. We can’t throw away the good things because of the bad. It’s counter productive. So don’t let Christmas lose its meaning for you.
Just between you and me though, I’d love to have target practice with one of those huge inflatable Santas ANY time of the year . . .
Merry Christmas, Adam! (Sorry, I just had to) ;D
If there’s one thing I know for fact, it’s that Canadians are much more civil than Americans. I don’t want to say this but………………Thanks, Merry Chr…….Mer………Merry Chris..tmas, Wendy.
LOL! God bless you for choking that out! I know it took a lot of effort! Best laugh I’ve had all day, thanks.
I’m thankful that there was a Santa hat over that drunk’s schlong … I’d have nightmares if I was what was inside. Great post as usual and worthy of a tweet!
Thanks chick!! No worries, Santa Claus doesn’t have a schlong…It’s actually just a candy cane. Dur. Hur.
lmao lmao lmao lmao lmao … I bet Mrs. Claus likes her peppermint!
A horny old candy-lover, she is!
I’m wondering if she licked the “candy cane” or she bit into it like I would have
Remind me never to date you.
And why not? Have you got a candy cane for a schlong?
No, but I’m kind of diggin’ being a male. The right *bite* and I’ll be pissing from a seated position from now on. I encourage you to chew more gum.
Hmmm…. would chewing gum curb my hankering for biting?
It might help curb the desire slightly…
Well … let’s see … chewing gum means repetitive chomping … it would probably make me want to bite into something more “substantial.”
Try your arm.
Well … that ain’t no fun for me!
Think twice, and take pictures!
And what would be so interesting about me biting my own arm? I can think of other Kodak moments …
This got pornographic 4 comments ago
IT DID!???????? How? I only said schlong once …
Twice now. Make it three?
You asked for it … Schlong Sausage … that would be worth a triple X!