Hypothetically Speaking…


I should probably start taking an occasional sedative.  At the very least, sample some anxiety medications.  Because for the love of Bruce Springsteen, if I get asked one more stupid fucking hypothetical question, my brain is gonna explode all over the person asking.  I don’t want that to happen…

Ok.  I'll take a stab at it.  Were *hippies* the best thing before sliced bread?

Ok. I’ll take a stab at it. Were hippies the best thing before sliced bread?

There’s something about unanswerable questions that make me uneasy.  I don’t like the abstract.  I like definitive answers.  Like for example, if you were to ask me, “Would you like a cookie?”  My answer would be: “Yes, yes I would like a cookie.”  Question asked.  Answer known.  Case closed.

However, if you were to ask me, “What was the best thing before sliced bread?”  My mind would flip to *spin cycle*, and cause my head to violently twist off my body.  I don’t know the answer to that question.  Nobody does.

Hypothetical questions are usually barfed out of people that spend most of their free time sitting in a coffee shop talking about *String Theory* and *Subatomic Particles*.  The other half of the time they’re watching Jeopardy.

I think it’s time to start closing out a few of these trivial debates.  Or at the very least, volley it back over the philosophical net in the form of another stupid question.  I’ll let you ponder it, Einstein.  My skull is starting to feel like a ripe tick.  Time to blow off some steam…

Head explosion beginning in 3…2…1…

Let’s suppose…

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

It seems that “make a sound” would be a drastic understatement.  If a tree comes down in the woods, it’s usually because of a 300 million volt charge of electricity.  The thunder-crack and explosion of branches and squirrels caused by the bolt of lightning would be deafening.  The answer is an enthusiastic “yes”.  If a tree fell in the woods and the closest person to it was on Mars,  it would make a sound.  A *big sound*.  Ok?  Settled.

If you were to choke a Smurf, what color would it turn?

I’d like to volley that question back, and instead, ask a burning question of mine:  if a Smurf fucked an Oompa Loompa, what color would the offspring be?  Trick question.  Smurfs are four inches tall.  And made out of construction paper.

I'll take Questions without an Answer, Alex. Answer: Daily Double.

I’ll take “Questions that can’t be Answered” for 400, Alex. Answer: Daily Double.

Which is the correct way to extract toothpaste, from the top or the bottom of the tube?

Do I care?  Cut the tube in half already and put the power to decide in the hands of the two lunatics debating it.  After you’re both done brushing your teeth, wash your hands.  Then check the lock.  Then wash your hands.  Then check the lock.  Then wash your hands.  Then check the lock…

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

I’d hate to have that job.  It’s no wonder the DMV is nothing but a bunch of sour-faces.  “I’m sorry sir, but we can’t put “bald” on your license, so we’re going to have to examine your pubic hair in the back room.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because that’s one of the only things a chicken does.  They peck, cluck, and walk.  Why exactly are we so hung up on the idea of a chicken crossing a road?  Did I miss a vital piece of information here?  Ask me something like, “Why did the chicken do the Macarena”, and I’ll tell you that it’s “worthy of further investigation.”

If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, does it go bad if the cow isnt refrigerated?

Yes.  I can’t stress enough the importance of the following:  Make absolutely sure that your grocer is stocking milk in his dairy freezer that was extracted from a refrigerated cow.  Also, make sure that you store your opened Mayonnaise at room temperature.

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Because it’s hard to look for something when you’re head-banging and playing the steering wheel drums.

On Gilligan’s Island, why did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour? 

She bought a ticket for the *Love Boat*.  She boarded the wrong ship.  Ditz.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

(Part 1)  First off, who throws a gun?  It’s not a Boomerang?

(Part 2)  Clark Kent wasn’t a neurologist – he worked for the Daily Herald.  I’m pretty sure he was making sub-par wages like the rest of us clowns.  Probably had a crappy insurance plan to boot.  A nose-job procedure would be absolutely out of the question.

"Honey, the TV's broke again.  Can you bring me some more lard after you call the repair guy?"

“Honey, the TV’s broke again. Can you bring me some more lard after you call the repair guy?”

How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

I thought this was common knowledge.  A remote control works like a ketchup bottle.  When the battery is low, more pressure is required to extract and utilize the remaining juice.

Side note:  God forbid you have get up and walk your lazy ass five feet from the couch.  “I guess I’ll just have to settle for another RonCo Informercial…”

If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don’t they fall through the floor?

Because all ghosts are issued a pair of hover boots.

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don’t lay eggs.

What do you want it to carry around, placentas?  I’d rather dye eggs than placentas…

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Most people don’t even know how to work the tray table, and you expect them to figure out a fucking parachute?  Under duress, no less.  “Seeing that we’re in the middle of a 30,000 foot vertical nose-dive, I think I’ll don my parachute now.”  It’s highly unlikely that they’d ever get used.  Plus, having parachutes would tack on an extra 30 minutes for the pre-flight prompt:

Flight Attendant (demonstration):  “Please note that in case of an emergency, you’ll find a very complicated parachute device located under your seat.  To put it on, start by inserting left arm into “loop A”, then ask the person seated next to you to help you insert your right arm into “loop B”.  Pull thigh harness straps over legs, and connect the four loops with a square knot.  Strap yourself to the back of an experienced sky-diver if there is one available on the plane.  The parachute has been packed in accordance with federal regulations; however, please feel free to re-pack yours in the isles after the seat belt light has been turned off, and before the arrival of the lunch cart.”

That doesn’t even take into consideration the added cost.  You want a parachute?  Ok.  No more free peanuts.  Or water.  Or bathroom.

Let’s just keep that cheap floating thingy…

*****

-Rock on, Chowderheads  \m/

Click Here for Part II

 

157 comments

  1. radaronelson

    God I couldn’t agree more. I hate hypothetical questions. My wife loves them and we argue over them all the time. Even the answer to them are hypothetical. You don’t know if that is what will or will not be the case. And why worry of something that may or may not happen? It makes no sense to me.

  2. Masala Chica

    Adam – I had no idea you were so perturbed by the “What if” questions. Remind me never to ask you one. I must say, you really made me think. What DO bald men write on their DMV application. If they say blonde and it’s like my Indian father, do you think someone at the DMV would challenge that? I dunno. I didn’t know Oompa Lumpas mated, but again, ignorance on my part. Why shouldn’t they get to do it, those little boogers. And you have given me some new ideas for Easter brunch. Rabbit placenta with Ham. Not totally jazzed about it, but it will grow on me.

    You are hysterical!! Do you have a Facebook Like Page?

    • Adam S

      Masala,
      Thank you, I’ll be here all week. I do have a Facebook page — scroll to the bottom of the sidebar. Sometimes it doesn’t show up for some reason…

      You can ask me Hypotheticals all night. But, I can’t promise I’ll give you an answer with any substance. Actually, I can guarantee that I won’t give you an answer with any substance!

      It’s worth a shot…Try me! (I’ll pace on the placenta…I’m sure Tom Cruise would have seconds though. Gross.)

  3. desertrose7

    Ha ha! I’d never actually thought of the bald mans license dilemma. You would hate my teenagers favourite car game then. The “Would you rather?” game.
    We get asked questions like… “Would you rather…..eat your childs favourite pet or….cook and eat your own tongue.” (And that’s a simple hypothetical question.)

    • Adam S

      I didn’t make any of these questions up, I swear. I ripped all of the from online. They belong in a dumpster though!

      Ok. I like that game. Let’s play:

      Would you rather work at the DMV as the hair color *checker*, or eat a rabbit placenta? No skating out of this one. Honest answers only.

      • desertrose7

        Hang on, first you have to answer my question. You don’t have kids though (I don’t think) so just imagine ….

        I don’t know about yours though….The hair checker could be rather…interesting. I was a nurse so I’m ok with “interesting”. Been there, seen it ALL. I really am picky with what I eat so….yeah, no placentas on my plate, please. (I imagine they would be rather like liver though.)

      • Adam S

        Fair enough. I don’t have kids by the way…
        The answer to your question is this: I’d rather cook and eat your kid’s pet rabbit. There I said it.

        What time you want me over for dinner?

    • Adam S

      Because Cat’s are made out of stupid. No, I’m just kidding…

      They do that because they don’t like the smell of poo. Which is funny, because they don’t mind licking their own butt-holes and rubbing their dirty faces on your leg.

      I had to think about that one for a minute…

  4. Fat Bottom Girl

    Yes, how would you ask a bald guy if the carpet matches the drapes?? Do guys ever get asked that question, or is it just men who ask women that lame ass questions? What is the point of that question anyway? hahaha And my ADD takes over.

  5. The Philosophunculist

    I once read somewhere that the scientific answer to the tree falling in the woods question is this: sound is actually vibration, and is only turned into sound when processed by the brain. So if there is no brain around to process the vibration into sound, then no, it does not make a sound, only a vibration. Hopefully that gives you a small amount of comfort, I can’t help you with the other ones

    • Adam S

      You strike me as a hypothetical question-asker!

      Jeopardy Question for you:
      (Category: “Wtf?”)

      Answer: It’s the full name of Los Angeles; a major city in California

  6. lillianccc

    Effing hilarious. I never understood why the chicken crossing the road was even a joke. If anyone asked me that, I’d say “because it had to cross the road. The end.” I blame that tootsie pop commercial (“how many licks does it take to get to the center”) for increasing public appreciation of theoretical questions.

    • Adam S

      Thanks Wendy! You’re invited to my lavish party soon too, which will consist of beer, hot dogs, and strippers on my 98 foot yacht. Bring your suit!

      Give me a question, I’ll add it to the next post!

      • Wendy Brydge

        I’ll be there on one condition: I’m going to want daiquiris, not beer. Sorry, two conditions: Some of those strippers had better be of the male variety. ;D

        And I do have a question for ya, Adam — How the hell did no one ever recognize Robin, The Lone Ranger and Zorro when all they wore were those tiny little eye masks? That’s what I want to know.

      • Adam S

        Magic Mike goes out on the Dingy for the ladies. Not allowed on the Yacht. Daiquiris? No problem. I’ll even get the good mixer too.

        Your question, Wendy, requires a 3-part answer:
        1.) Robin wore his underwear on top of spandex pants. I’m confident that most people were staring and laughing at that, and that only.
        2.) Zorro operated a very sharp, and very aerodynamic poking weapon with extreme skill. If I ran across him, the last thing I’d be concerned about is getting a good facial description.
        3.) The lone ranger owned a gun. Worse than Zorro. Don’t look into the eyes of a man waving a gun around in your grill.

      • Wendy Brydge

        *slow clap* Adam, I am impressed. I’ve been wondering about that question for years and somehow the answers you just gave are completely logical, it makes perfect sense (scares the hell out of me that I think so, btw) . . . I’m thinking you could have a career as the next “Dear Abby” solving all of life’s most pressing questions. Like is the bat-pole really just for getting from Bruce’s study into the bat-cave, or does Batman work the bat-pole for dollar bills at night?

      • Adam S

        *bow*
        That’s funny that you mention it — I was going to do a post called *Cheap Psychologist for a Day* The exact same thing as Dear Abby, only a bit twisted.

        It might happen still?

    • Adam S

      1.) You’re welcome. It was my *pleasure*
      2.) How in the eff did I miss that one?

      Head is spinning…Head is spinning…Head is spinning…

      Ok, I got it. Eggs were invented in a lab. From that egg, the first chicken hatched in 1934. They named it *Pecker* (how appropriate, I know)

      Let’s keep this one on the down low for now. And don’t tell Alex Trebek I told you that…

      • Maddie Cochere

        Of course, invented in a lab! I should have known that. Little Pecker was probably really cute. … To be honest, I nearly squealed when I saw you omitted the question. I couldn’t type it fast enough to get it in here before someone else could – or Alex Trebek. (Uh … I just noticed not one person here has used an emoticon. Are they banned?)

      • Adam S

        I can’t stop laughing…

        “I’d like to think that I’ve cultivated a more highly-refined fan base around these parts, Maddie. Our conversations are typically more evolved — thereby negating the need for a standardized, and false display of emotion.”

        I’m just fucking with you. Drop the Smiley’s until you *squeal*
        Still laughing…

    • H. Stern

      My dad used to breed birds. When I was little, someone asked me this question. I stared them down and said “clearly, two different types of birds got together, interbred, and created the egg which brought us the chicken.” That’s my go-to answer for that obnoxious question. If you can keep a straight face, it usually stops people from asking further annoying hypotheticals.

      Or, you know, just stare them down while you drink your hot chocolate. Mmmmmm….. chocolate……

  7. Kozo

    Well worth the wait, Adam. I keep thinking about Cadbury chocolate Easter bunny placentas. “Thank you Easter Bunny, Bok, Bok.”
    Here is one for you–What is the sound of one hand clapping?

    • Adam S

      Thanks man, glad you enjoyed!

      I can’t even process that question. It’s the same hopeless feeling as trying to bite my ear.

      Head spinning…Head spinning…Head spinning…

      Must. Have. Answer.

      Head spinning…Head spinning…Head spinning…

      Must. Have. Answer.

  8. David Eric Cummins

    Another Gilligan’s Island hypothetical: What were Mr. and Mrs. Howell doing on that 3 hour tour anyway? They were filthy rich and probably owned at least a couple boats, so what were they doing slumming with the commoners on the S.S. Minnow?

  9. SocietyRed

    Definitely start sampling anxiety medications Adam..
    Ripe tick! I love it! Ok get ready for your head to explode…
    If carpool lanes exist to reduce the number of cars on the road, why the fuck do kids who can’t drive qualify in the person count? Why not dogs? They can’t drive either. Or imaginary friends, or smurfs, or blow up sex dolls that resemble Debra Morgan? Boom!

    • Adam S

      Thanks Red! How’d everything turn out? Did you get a lot of hits?

      Head spinning…Head spinning…Head spinning…

      Blow up sex dolls that resemble Debra Morgan count, but only if the head of the doll is visible. (I double checked online.) If a person isn’t qualified to drive, I think it would be a good idea to *not* tempt that person to drive. I stole my parents car when I was 6 and drove to San Francisco from Detroit.

  10. sagedoyle

    I love the one about lowering the volume of the radio when looking for an address, I do that all the time lmao And here’s a question for you…why is it that the people who talk the most are the only people that, when they call you, they never first ask if you have some time to talk? It’s like they just assume you’re there ready to have your ear to the phone for an hour at any time of day. My side to the conversation: ‘yep’ ‘yeah’ ‘yeah’ ‘i know’ ‘geesh’ ‘man’ ‘yeah’ ‘well i kinda need to go–’ ‘yeah’ ‘i hear ya’ ‘but I–’ ‘yep’ ‘mhm’ ‘wow’ ….. meanwhile I’m thinking, since I don’t have a landline, the conversation will give me a brain tumor because I’ve had my head to the cell for so long lol

    • Adam S

      I was under the same impression. Your poetry definitely had me thinking *Megadeth* all the way.

      What you described is a condition known as IMS, or *Irritable Mouth Syndrome*. Just put the phone down and carry about your business. Come back to the phone every 30 minutes or so and add an *m-kay*. It’ll remind the person that you’re engaged in the one-sided conversation. If you don’t like the person, just crumble up some tinfoil by the receiver, mutter some broken-English, and hang up.

      Turn the phone off after that.

      • sagedoyle

        hahahaa Megadeth that’s awesome lol I’m going to be laughing at that one during random moments when I’m alone in public for sure lmao. And those are great suggestions though now and then she says, “are you there?” so I’ll have to use speaker phone in conjunction with that ;)

  11. sortaginger

    How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

    Just kidding. And I totally agree, it is hard to find an address when rocking out to the radio. Priorities, people!

  12. Ageing Geek

    Does pressing the call button multiple times really make the lift come faster? Where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? Where IS the beef?

    I have so many questions…

    • Adam S

      1.) Yes, but only if you’re not using a public elevator.
      2.) Peter Piper didn’t pick a peck of pickled peppers. He picked his nose. And then shook hands with the guy selling the peppers. The Local Health Department inspected the produce stand shortly after, and was shut down because of a health code violation. Boogers + Pickled Peppers = Certain death.
      3.) I’m not sure exactly where *the beef* is, but I can tell you that it’s definitely not at Wendy’s…

      • Ageing Geek

        We used to have Wendy’s in the UK, I miss their squareness so much. Whatever the hell is in them tasted good!

        Can someone please tell my son that boogers + ANYTHING = certain death? He keeps offering to cook me breakfast and gets upset when I tell him I’d rather eat a live cockroach.

  13. Yeahthtsme

    Really hilarious! XD Ohh and your forgot about the lame hypothetical math problem,they just are plain ridiculous ,no one cares how much time X & Y took to reach the damn lampost!

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  15. AMooreOn

    I have perfectly good answers to all of those questions, but I’m not sharing them since you won’t appreciate the amount of thought I’ve put into them. And I freaking LOVE hypothetical questions. And jigsaw puzzles. Yeah, I’m THAT cool. Recognize.

    • Adam S

      What? You can’t do that. That’s like saying “I have a secret but I’m not telling you…”
      Tell me or I’ll wash your windows with Peanut Butter.

      • AMooreOn

        Go ahead, I’ve got 2 lil window washers. I’m not scared of you! Ok… I’ll give you one. Smurfs would OBVIOUSLY turn purple when choked. (Did I say that smugly enough to make you still want to PB my windows?)

  16. Jean

    If a reader is running behind schedule, and the reader explains to her boss that she found a really funny blog post, will the reader still be considered late for work?

    Damn . . . no time to stick around for the answer. You did it again . . . stop making me late for WORK!

    • Adam S

      The answer is no. Tell your boss I said “Fuck off”

      NO. Wait. Hold off on that for now.

      I appreciate the love, Jean! I’m an approval whore, so keep telling me things like that. Rock on! \M/

      • Jean

        It’s that narcissism thing, Adam. Don’t worry. We all have it. There are those who say we are breeding a whole new batch of narcissists. So feel good in the knowledge that you are in the forefront of leading the next generation down the path to their destruction.

        PS Boss took the day off yesterday :-)

  17. Rosie Baillie

    Great post, made me chuckle. I reckon hypothetical questions rank alongside ‘You have to choose between this and this, what would you do? And there’s no escape, you have to choose’ on the annoying scale.

    • Adam S

      Thanks Rosie, someone else brought up that *game* in the comments. I think the question was, “Which would you rather do: Cook and eat your own tongue, or eat your kid’s pet.”

      It was an easy one. I would rather eat my kid’s pet. But that’s just me…

      • Rosie Baillie

        Yeah I think I might agree with you there. If it’s only something small like a hamster or a fish, it’ll be over fairly quickly too!

  18. Christina Waschko

    Good Lord, this is one twisted, thought provoking post! I honestly never thought about this stuff until I read you! Now, just so you know, I can’t sleep tonight because I need to figure out how the toothpaste really squeezes out or what the best invention before sliced bread was…thank you!

  19. Lafemmeroar

    When I talk about STRING THEORY it’s always about what kind of yarn to use for knitting. Here’s a question for you:

    What would you do if you were a crazy chick?

    BTW, Digging this now :)

  20. anitadesignstudio

    A few questions; answer one, all of them or none! 1. Why IS it a man’s world? 2. Why is it that you don’t notice that someone has two different coloured eyes until it’s pointed out to you? 3. Why do really (and I mean REALLY, avoidance of eye contact, sweaty brow…the works) bad liars continue to lie? 4. Why do you push the door when it clearly says ‘pull’ (and continue to curse whilst pushing it again and again and….)? 5. And why are women eternally attracted to assholes? Answers on a postcard purlease :)

    • Adam S

      I’m reading between the lines here…
      Did you just get your heart ripped out and stomped on by some dude?

      P.S. How many people with Partially Ocular Albinism do you normally come across on a daily basis?

  21. anitadesignstudio

    LMAO! No I haven’t; I removed myself from that rat-race long ago!! I’ve known 2 people who have two differently coloured eyes and never noticed until I was made aware of it! Honest!

    • Adam S

      Ok, cause I was thinking about the whole wine-chugging thing, and now this. It seemed like a logical thing to assume….

      What makes you think this is a man-drivin’ world? From a U.S. perspective, I don’t see it like that at all.

  22. anitadesignstudio

    Ah yes, the wine chugging. Doesn’t everyone have a good ‘ol chug on a Friday night??! So now you’re chucking my question back at me?! Hmmmm, I wasn’t prepared for that!! Ok, let’s see: it’s much more socially acceptable for an older man to date a zygote than an older woman to date a younger man (in my country anyway). An aging man can still be deemed sexy, sophisticated and distinguished; an aging woman is generally deemed a turn off. A guy who’s single is idolised by his mates and sought after by women; a woman who’s single is considered desperate by both men AND women! A successful male boss who’s an asshole is regarded as driven, ambitious and steadfast; a successful female boss who’s an asshole is a hormonally challenged bitch! And I appear to have run out of examples. Damn.

    • Adam S

      Well, Hmm. We’re kinda off the beaten path here a bit. I was looking for *Hypothetical Questions*, but I’d be glad to help you sort it out…

      I agree. It sounds silly. Personally, I have a big problem with people telling me how to manage my personal life. It’s nobody’s business who I date, etc. If you’re not happy living under constant scrutiny, maybe you might consider removing your self from that environment? Go someplace where you feel more comfortable. I don’t like traditional, mindless norms. If I were a woman in that situation, I probably wouldn’t stick around. I’m not a woman though. I’m not you either. I can definitely sympathize…

      Best of luck.

      • anitadesignstudio

        Yea, I think we’ve digressed quite a bit here Adam! I was speaking in general terms, this isn’t a reflection of my personal life but merely observations!

        Anyway, keep up the good work. Your blog is a great read ;)

  23. diannegray

    Now you’ve got my head spinning! Why so many questions???

    Okay – here’s one: If I’m traveling through space at the speed of light would the headlights on my craft work? The answer would probably be ‘no’ because nothing travels faster than the speed of light (the only exception to this rule is how fast the smell of dogshit travels when you’re mowing the lawn). ;)

    • Adam S

      Diane, I think I remember reading that story problem in High School. My answer was a drawing of Angus Young. \M/

      P.S. Make sure you wear your shoes when you’re mowing your lawn!

  24. tauromaja

    Good gravy…and I thought I had beefs!

    I can recommend you a good sedative and actually, if you are shopping, jasmine tea is quite good. I don’t do meds for medical reasons….hee…..

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    • Adam S

      Thank you. That is the hypothetical of all hypotheticals…
      …I’ll have to think about that one for awhile.

      Was that intentional? If so, brilliant!

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