Last Minute Gift Ideas for that Lazy Bastard on your List


Below you’ll find a buying guide for that lazy bastard in your life.  We all know one.  Some of us are one.  You know, that guy or gal that shows up to the gift unwrapping party with a handful of scratch off tickets, or a gift card from the local drug store.  Or a fucking cat with diabetes and three legs.  

Feel free to get offended if you own one or more of the following items.  I don’t care.  It’s been a stressful holiday season per usual, and I’m sick and tired of all of you people once again.

Let the last-minute shopping fiasco begin.

Roomba Vaccum

This poor little robot is gonna need a deep circuit massage after it gets done with your lazy bastard friend's place...

This poor little robot is gonna need a deep circuit massage after it gets done with your lazy bastard friend’s place.

Why bother vacuuming your 40 square foot apartment the old fashioned way?  Pick up a Roomba Vaccum,  and free up an extra ten minutes a day for your lazy friend to do more important things like watch the Food Network, and grind Cheese Curls into the sofa.

You may want to consider an extra battery pack and a custom GPS upgrade in order to navigate around all of the shit that’s probably laying on your lazy friend or relative’s floor.

Make sure you explain to the gift recipient that it doesn’t do a very good job of sucking up dirty underwear or pet scat.  Those items should be removed first before sending this double-A battery powered, dust-busting Magellan on it’s filthy floor adventure.

Key Benefit:  No more walking behind a vacuum cleaner.

Matte Black finish

Matte Black finish

Velcro Shoes

“Make a tee pee, over the mountain”…er, no wait.   “Grab your partner, dosey doe.. here’s my bow…”  Ah fuck it.

Velcro shoes don’t require memorizing some stupid shoe-tying poem before the user can start enjoying the benefits of these strap and go sneakers.  Not only are they a highly fashionable gift idea, they also have orthopedic benefits, too.  Colors available:  Matte Black, and Breast Milk White.

Key Benefit:  No more shoe tying.

Could you pass the salt? Wait, nevermind.  I got it...

Could you pass the salt? Wait, nevermind. I got it…

Extender Claw

The Extender Claw is an awesome gift idea for any lazy bastard.  The long, trigger-powered arm makes it possible to reach virtually anything in a room without having to get up from a seated position.

Make a bowl of cereal, empty the litter box, and even take out the trash.  The best part?  You don’t even have to leave the couch

Key Benefit:  No more needless standing up.

Accessories sold separately

Accessories sold separately

A Gerbil

Here’s a great stocking-stuffer idea.  Gerbils make great pets for lazy bastards because they’re low maintenance.

You won’t have to do anything stressful like walking or playing fetch.  Just put it in an empty fish tank, cover it with wood chips, and watch it sleep.

When the day finally comes that you have to part with Fluffy the Gerbil (in two weeks), just flush it down the toilet.  No muss, no fuss.  It’s a win-win gift item.

Key Benefit:  Hassle-free pet.

Just remember:  One load, all on cold.

Just remember: One load, all on cold.

High Efficiency Washing Machine

Ouch.  This one’s gonna set you back a few bucks.

A High Efficiency Washing Machine is the ideal appliance for the lazy bastard in your life.  Who cares about all of the eco-friendliness crap.  These beasts can wash three weeks of dirty laundry in one shot.

Don’t feel pressured to explain to your friend or relative all of the bells and whistles.  It won’t take long for them to figure out the only two settings they’ll ever need:  Cold and Heavy Duty.

Capacity aside, these things take so fucking long to do a load of wash, he/she would probably be limited to one load a day, anyways.  Of course, that’s probably still one load too many…

Key Benefit:  Less laundry-doing.

Good Morning Mr. BreakFAAST!

Good Morning Mr. BreakFAAST!

The Clapper

The clapper is another great stocking-stuffer idea.  If you’re running dangerously close to midnight, just buy a whole bunch and throw them in a box.  Put a nice bow on it if you’re feeling guilty about it.

Clap on, and watch the Pee Wee Herman breakfast-making machine twist off a pair of scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast.  A few minor adjustments to the unit, and it might even spit your breakfast out in the shape of a smiley face.

Key Benefit:  Less time spent flipping light switches.

Segway Away!

Segway Away!

Segway Scooter

I hope you’re carrying a few credit cards today.

The Segway Scooter is a great item for those that hate walking to places, like for instance, the bathroom on the other side of the sofa.  The Segway will take you there in a jiffy, and all you have to do is stand up.  Calories are precious.  Don’t waste them.

Even though it’s a big ticket item, the good news is that if you decide to buy one, you’ll never have to get your lazy bastard friend or relative another Christmas present again.

I might splurge this year.

Key Benefit:  A great Calorie-Conserver.

*****

Ok, time to come clean.

I wrote this while standing in the checkout line at Best Buy earlier this morning.  I did it on a tablet that I had to pick up for myself.  One down, twelve more people to go…

If you’re still blazing the holiday shopping trails today, this article would probably be more useful to all of the people that normally buy for you.  Godspeed, in your antler-decorated Durango sleigh.

Merry Christmas to everyone.

Even the lazy bastards.

-Happy Blogging \m/  

62 comments

  1. Kozo

    That is so uncool of you to take the Christmas wish list I sent you and turn it into a post, including the spicy hot gerbil. I’m going to the store to return the gift I got you, unless anyone here wants to buy a slightly used FloBee.
    Merry Xmas, you bastard. haha

      • Miriam E.

        nope, all clear… and since it’s already 2:20am (and it’s tradition to give our gifts on Christmas Eve), it’s a thumbs up this year ;)
        plus, if he’d show, his bony ass would make contact with my foam baseball bat… hmm… maybe he’d even like it…

      • Adam S

        Glad to hear it. Did I tell you how excited I am to give you your post-holiday present? You’re gonna flip your lid. Can’t wait!

  2. jennsmidlifecrisis

    Have you ever flushed a rodent? I wouldn’t recommend it…it creates a mess, especially if the lazy person hasn’t cleaned it lately! I’d recommend a gift of clean underwear and socks. Start the year fresh! Or paper plates – who needs the hassle of dirty dishes? Merry Ho Ho!

    • Adam S

      I have never owned a Gerbil, despite being a lazy bastard myself. I’ll definitely have to keep that in mind if someone put one in my stocking this year, however.

      I don’t believe in clean socks or underwear…

      Merry Christmas, Jenn!

  3. lillianccc

    Ohhh Segway scooters….. they’re the ultimate symbol of laziness to me since there were actually people who rode them up and down my college campus. I mean really, bringing a Segway to college?? In any case, this list is pretty genius! Happy holidays. :)

  4. aliceatwonderland

    I want a Roomba – it’s the closest thing to your own personal Noo-Noo from the Teletubbies. Except, like you said, it’s not going to pick up all my crap. Too small. Whenever I see a Segway, I see that stupid commercial for some drugstore where this old woman rides through picking up vitamins. I hate that commercial. I want to trip the old lady on the Segway. Still, I bet it’d be fun to ride, cause who likes walking?

    • Adam S

      I want a Roomba too! Those things look fucking sweet. However, I also happen to be a lazy bastard. And I don’t plan on picking up the pile of clothes that I’m sitting on top of right now any time soon. I may need the GPS unit…

      Merry Christmas, Alice!

  5. sagedoyle

    I don’t own any cleaning items that require pre-cleaning before you use them.
    My shoes have laces, but I just slip them on and off without bothering with the laces, unless I’m running or hiking and they need to be tight.
    I had one of those claw things when I was a kid, and it was awesome to grab at the cat or a friend lol.
    I think that gerbil is actually a guinea pig. I’ve never had a pet with a sombrero though.
    I live in a complex and share washers and dryers. So, when I can, I do laundry at my mom’s.
    I’ve never had a clapper but my grandfather had a Santa that danced when there was a clap or any other nearby sound.
    Those scooters hahaaa, I just remember in Boston last year all the folks on those things spinning around the North End complaining to all the Italians that there were no public restrooms in the vicinity.
    It would have been amazing if you wrote this instead on an Etch-a-Sketch with the skill of Buddy the Elf.
    I love your posts, I write more on yours than anyone else’s. You just get me going lol Hope you had an awesome holiday!
    Sage

  6. singlemom'sblatherbubbleblog

    I wish I had read this before Christmas!! A holiday I love but am so glad it’s over. Some of these suggestions would have been perfect for me to buy for me. I had a Roomba ! It worked well too! Gave it away when I moved to a larger place though. Once again, you made me laugh. Thank you very much!! I hope that you had a wonderful Christmas and will have a fun but safe New Years Eve!

  7. becca3416

    Is it bad that I have owned all of these items (except the segway) at some point in my life? I am not lazy though, because I didn’t flush my gerbil. I actually took him back to the store. Bam, not lazy.

    • Adam S

      Did you set up the Pee Wee Herman breakfast making machine with The Clapper? Good morning MR. BreakFAASSTT!!

      Is that a Gerbil in the picture? Someone said it was a Hamster. I don’t know what the fucking difference is. They all look like rats?

  8. alienredqueen

    Roomba would be awesome so long as kid/cats did not attempt to “ride ” it. And, Gerbils are not low maintenance. I had hamsters as a kid and cleaning the cage was a HUGE pain in the ass.

  9. runoffwriter

    Wow. I haven’t laughed this much at a post in a long time. I don’t even have a smartass crack to make, so that’s sayin’ something…

    I had to pick up my own gifts, too. Though I think if I’d have gotten me a tablet I would have been happy enough to sit through the pre-Christmas madness that is Best Buy without minding. Alright yeah I would’ve been pissed anyway. I’m impossible to please.

  10. blatherbubbleblog

    I would love all of these gifts except for the gerbil. I’m too lazy to clean the cage and if I were to flush the little guy; my toilet would become horrendously clogged thus more work. As a gift giver, I am a really big on just handing over a gift card ( picked up on the way) or cash. Never with a card because nobody really reads those anyways. Loved your post and was really in need of some anti holiday stress laughs. Thanks so much!

    • Chowderhead

      dude…thank you. You’re binging today! And I think I’m finally gonna do it. I took your sark and im hashing out a skeleton for a book.

      Boom. Guess what it’s about?

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