Last Minute Gift Ideas for that Lazy Bastard on your List
You didn’t think I’d let you down, did you?
As promised, here’s the second half of my gift to you this Christmas season: A short buying guide for that lazy bastard on your list. We all have one of these special people in our lives. You know, that guy or gal that shows up to the gift unwrapping party with a handful of scratch off tickets, or a gift card from the local drug store.
Feel free to get offended if you own one or more of the following items. I don’t care. It’s been a stressful holiday season per usual, and I’m sick and tired of all of you people once again.
Let the last-minute shopping fiasco begin.
Here’s a few gift ideas:
Roomba Vaccum
This poor little robot is gonna need a deep circuit massage after it gets done with your lazy bastard friend’s place.
Why bother vacuuming your 40 square foot apartment the old fashioned way? Pick up a Roomba Vaccum, and free up an extra ten minutes a day for your lazy friend to do more important things like watch the Food Network, and grind Cheese Curls into the sofa.
You may want to consider an extra battery pack and a custom GPS upgrade in order to navigate around all of the shit that’s probably laying on your lazy friend or relative’s floor.
Make sure you explain to the gift recipient that it doesn’t do a very good job of sucking up dirty underwear or pet scat. Those items should be removed first before sending this double-A battery powered, dust-busting Magellan on it’s filthy floor adventure.
Key Benefit: No more walking behind a vacuum cleaner.
Matte Black finish
Velcro Shoes
“Make a tee pee, over the mountain”…er, no wait. “Grab your partner, dosey doe.. here’s my bow…” Ah fuck it.
Velcro shoes don’t require memorizing some stupid shoe-tying poem before the user can start enjoying the benefits of these strap and go sneakers. Not only are they a highly fashionable gift idea, they also have orthopedic benefits, too. Colors available: Matte Black, and Breast Milk White.
Key Benefit: No more shoe tying.
Could you pass the salt? Wait, nevermind. I got it…
Extender Claw
The Extender Claw is an awesome gift idea for any lazy bastard. The long, trigger-powered arm makes it possible to reach virtually anything in a room without having to get up from a seated position.
Make a bowl of cereal, empty the litter box, and even take out the trash. The best part? You don’t even have to leave the couch
Key Benefit: No more needless standing up.
Accessories sold separately
A Gerbil
Here’s a great stocking-stuffer idea. Gerbils make great pets for lazy bastards because they’re low maintenance.
You won’t have to do anything stressful like walking or playing fetch. Just put it in an empty fish tank, cover it with wood chips, and watch it sleep.
When the day finally comes that you have to part with Fluffy the Gerbil (in two weeks), just flush it down the toilet. No muss, no fuss. It’s a win-win gift item.
Key Benefit: Hassle-free pet.
Just remember: One load, all on cold.
High Efficiency Washing Machine
Ouch. This one’s gonna set you back a few bucks.
A High Efficiency Washing Machine is the ideal appliance for the lazy bastard in your life. Who cares about all of the eco-friendliness crap. These beasts can wash three weeks of dirty laundry in one shot.
Don’t feel pressured to explain to your friend or relative all of the bells and whistles. It won’t take long for them to figure out the only two settings they’ll ever need: Cold and Heavy Duty.
Capacity aside, these things take so fucking long to do a load of wash, he/she would probably be limited to one load a day, anyways. Of course, that’s probably still one load too many…
Key Benefit: Less laundry-doing.
Good Morning Mr. BreakFAAST!
The Clapper
The clapper is another great stocking-stuffer idea. If you’re running dangerously close to midnight, just buy a whole bunch and throw them in a box. Put a nice bow on it if you’re feeling guilty about it.
Clap on, and watch the Pee Wee Herman breakfast-making machine twist off a pair of scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. A few minor adjustments to the unit, and it might even spit your breakfast out in the shape of a smiley face.
Key Benefit: Less time spent flipping light switches.
Segway Away!
Segway Scooter
I hope you’re carrying a few credit cards today.
The Segway Scooter is a great item for those that hate walking to places, like for instance, the bathroom on the other side of the sofa. The Segway will take you there in a jiffy, and all you have to do is stand up. Calories are precious. Don’t waste them.
Even though it’s a big ticket item, the good news is that if you decide to buy one, you’ll never have to get your lazy bastard friend or relative another Christmas present again.
I might splurge this year.
Key Benefit: A great Calorie-Conserver.
*****
Ok, time to come clean.
I wrote this while standing in the checkout line at Best Buy earlier this morning. I did it on a tablet that I had to pick up for myself. One down, twelve more people to go…
If you’re still blazing the holiday shopping trails today, this article would probably be more useful to all of the people that normally buy for you. Godspeed, in your antler-decorated Durango sleigh.
Merry Christmas to everyone — even the lazy bastards.
-Happy Blogging \M/
Related articles
- Gift Guide: Last-minute gift ideas (toledoblade.com)
- The Man’s Guide to Christmas Shopping (writerzblockblog.wordpress.com)
- The Perfect Last Minute Gift: Gift Cards (confettistyle.wordpress.com)
That is so uncool of you to take the Christmas wish list I sent you and turn it into a post, including the spicy hot gerbil. I’m going to the store to return the gift I got you, unless anyone here wants to buy a slightly used FloBee.
Merry Xmas, you bastard. haha
Merry Christmas, Kozo. Hold off on taking my gift back. I bought you a Segway — take it back on that thing.
It’s pretty sweet. I’ve been riding around on it all day long!
LOL. Riding a segway holding a FloBee headed towards the Salvation Army.
I have a special gift for you in 2013. It is a posting on penis size. Right up your alley–no pun intended.
Joy, Grace, and a threesome to you, Adam.
By *penis size*, do you mean *socket wrench* size?
Hahaha loved that comment Kozo!
Adam, the gerbil must come with the extender claw so that lazy bastard doesn’t need to get off the couch to flush the funeral toilet.
Great observation! One and done!
Gerbil, why didn’t I think of that? I’m off…tra la la la la!
That’s what I’m here for, Lulu!
I got my lazy bastard a lazy susan so he doesn’t have to stand up to get his food
Merry Christmas to you and yours 
Great idea! Totally forgot about the lazy susan.
Same to you, Dianne. It’s finally snowing here!
Omg this is hilarious.
Thanks man, are you heading out to the stores?!
All ready done my shopping. I’ll save your list for 2013
Already finished my shopping. But I will save your list for Christmas 2013
Right on!
Merry Christmas, A.!
brilliant, as always. thanks for the smiles…
p.s.. my hamster’s so jealous of the gerbil and its spiffy hat!
You’re welcome, and thanks to you as well. Merry Christmas Miriam.
I hope Krampus won’t be stopping by your joint tonight!
nope, all clear… and since it’s already 2:20am (and it’s tradition to give our gifts on Christmas Eve), it’s a thumbs up this year
plus, if he’d show, his bony ass would make contact with my foam baseball bat… hmm… maybe he’d even like it…
Glad to hear it. Did I tell you how excited I am to give you your post-holiday present? You’re gonna flip your lid. Can’t wait!
omg, guess how excited I am!!!
i know already that whatever you decide to do, it will be perfect. bestest present ever.
Have you ever flushed a rodent? I wouldn’t recommend it…it creates a mess, especially if the lazy person hasn’t cleaned it lately! I’d recommend a gift of clean underwear and socks. Start the year fresh! Or paper plates – who needs the hassle of dirty dishes? Merry Ho Ho!
I have never owned a Gerbil, despite being a lazy bastard myself. I’ll definitely have to keep that in mind if someone put one in my stocking this year, however.
I don’t believe in clean socks or underwear…
Merry Christmas, Jenn!
Ohhh Segway scooters….. they’re the ultimate symbol of laziness to me since there were actually people who rode them up and down my college campus. I mean really, bringing a Segway to college?? In any case, this list is pretty genius! Happy holidays.
Happy Holidays to you too, Lillian. And don’t lie, you drove a Segway on campus too!!
I want a Roomba – it’s the closest thing to your own personal Noo-Noo from the Teletubbies. Except, like you said, it’s not going to pick up all my crap. Too small. Whenever I see a Segway, I see that stupid commercial for some drugstore where this old woman rides through picking up vitamins. I hate that commercial. I want to trip the old lady on the Segway. Still, I bet it’d be fun to ride, cause who likes walking?
I want a Roomba too! Those things look fucking sweet. However, I also happen to be a lazy bastard. And I don’t plan on picking up the pile of clothes that I’m sitting on top of right now any time soon. I may need the GPS unit…
Merry Christmas, Alice!
I don’t own any cleaning items that require pre-cleaning before you use them.
My shoes have laces, but I just slip them on and off without bothering with the laces, unless I’m running or hiking and they need to be tight.
I had one of those claw things when I was a kid, and it was awesome to grab at the cat or a friend lol.
I think that gerbil is actually a guinea pig. I’ve never had a pet with a sombrero though.
I live in a complex and share washers and dryers. So, when I can, I do laundry at my mom’s.
I’ve never had a clapper but my grandfather had a Santa that danced when there was a clap or any other nearby sound.
Those scooters hahaaa, I just remember in Boston last year all the folks on those things spinning around the North End complaining to all the Italians that there were no public restrooms in the vicinity.
It would have been amazing if you wrote this instead on an Etch-a-Sketch with the skill of Buddy the Elf.
I love your posts, I write more on yours than anyone else’s. You just get me going lol Hope you had an awesome holiday!
Sage
Sage, my Etch a Sketch skills are way behind Buddy the Elf’s. Waaay behind.
I had a great holiday, and thanks for the compliments! I hope yours was swell as well. \M/
Definitely swell, thanks! As far as the Etch-a-Sketch, I can draw some pretty cool stairs.
Right on, same here!
Do your stairs go up or down?
I wish I had read this before Christmas!! A holiday I love but am so glad it’s over. Some of these suggestions would have been perfect for me to buy for me. I had a Roomba ! It worked well too! Gave it away when I moved to a larger place though. Once again, you made me laugh. Thank you very much!! I hope that you had a wonderful Christmas and will have a fun but safe New Years Eve!
It’s a busy time of the year! Oh well. You’re welcome, and same to you!
Awesome! If someone gave me one of those high capacity washing machines, I would totally hire someone to give them a blow job. I’m far too lazy to do it myself.
That’s fucking funny!
Is it bad that I have owned all of these items (except the segway) at some point in my life? I am not lazy though, because I didn’t flush my gerbil. I actually took him back to the store. Bam, not lazy.
Did you set up the Pee Wee Herman breakfast making machine with The Clapper? Good morning MR. BreakFAASSTT!!
Is that a Gerbil in the picture? Someone said it was a Hamster. I don’t know what the fucking difference is. They all look like rats?
I meant hampster! Gerbil, hampster, rat, they are all interchangeable, you’re right.
Roomba would be awesome so long as kid/cats did not attempt to “ride ” it. And, Gerbils are not low maintenance. I had hamsters as a kid and cleaning the cage was a HUGE pain in the ass.
No need to clean the tank!
Tank? o.O
Tank!
I don’t think you’re supposed to keep hamsters in tanks. LOL
FUCKIN A! Where have you been?
Neglecting my hamsters apparently. I wonder if I should put one in the tank with my snake.
Hmm. Either way I answer, I’ll get slack. I’ll stay indifferent about that decision, for now. \M/
What could be better than Breast Milk White Velcro shoes? I’m so getting some since I didn’t get any for Christmas! Poor gerbil.
This is no lie: I haven’t tied a pair of tennis shoes in almost twenty years. I’m not bullshitting you. I was running late when I posted this, otherwise I would have put a picture up of my shoes — the way the I “tie them”.
I’m a perfect candidate for breast milk white velcro shoes…
I bet you have them on right now…Confess.
I do. You got me!
Wow. I haven’t laughed this much at a post in a long time. I don’t even have a smartass crack to make, so that’s sayin’ something…
I had to pick up my own gifts, too. Though I think if I’d have gotten me a tablet I would have been happy enough to sit through the pre-Christmas madness that is Best Buy without minding. Alright yeah I would’ve been pissed anyway. I’m impossible to please.
Mission Accomplished.
A gerbil. Hahahahahahahahaha. Oh, big bro, it’s been too long. I’ve missed your writing.
Hilarious, as always.
Thank you little sis. Glad to have you back!
haha. As long I’m not on the receiving end this list is fine.
haha. As long as I’m not on the receiving end this list is fine.