Still Speaking Hypothetically…


I can’t think of a better way to kick off the Chowderhead 2K13 Campaign than by drop-kicking a few more Hypothetical Head-Spinners into the dumpster along with a lit match.

I'm back, Punk.

Le Clown, I don’t want to have to stop the tape again. Please stop doodling on your name screen.

If you weren’t here for the last Q and A shit-show, make sure you check out Hypothetically Speaking (Part I) for the rules of engagement.  Otherwise, sit back and relax while I launch another list of stupid questions into space orbit where they belong.

Cut the lights.  Fire up the Amps.

Pyrotechnics standby.  

Head explosion beginning in 3…2…1

Round Deux:

…Would you be willing to have your left middle finger surgically removed if it somehow guaranteed you immunity from all diseases?

I’d rather get coughed in the mouth by someone with the Ebola Virus than have my left middle finger removed.  It’s the second most important extremity on my body.  If I were left handed it would be number one.

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

Easy question.  Because the Zoo would suck without the monkey exhibit.  Watching a rabid Chimp spaz out and fast-pitch a stinky, banana flavored hand full of monkey dung at some dude eating a sandwich?  That’s what I call money well spent.

Well worth the price of admission.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

I don’t know about you but I’m not that eager to wipe my face with the same towel that I dry my dinner exit with.  After the first use you’re playing with fire.

Standardized Post-Shower Drying Procedure:

Zone 1:  Head       Zone 2:  Shoulders      Zone 3:  Knees & Toes       Zone 4:  “Area 51″          Zone 5:  Hamper

Does pressing the call button on an elevator multiple times really make the lift come quicker?

If you’re pushing the call button from the lobby and trying to reach your bathroom on the 85th floor after drinking 14 beers, no.  If you’re pushing the call button from the lobby and trying to reach your bathroom on the 85th floor after eating a plate of undercooked wet burritos, definitely no.   In any other circumstances, yes.

"You're gonna wanna make sure you're bundled up around mid-week because we're expecting some heavy snow accumulation, and temperatures dropping all the way down into the Cold as Fuck range."

“You’re gonna wanna make sure you’re bundled up around mid-week because we’re expecting some heavy snow accumulation, and temperatures dropping all the way down into the Cold as Fuck range.”

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

In order to answer this one we’ll need to use a little weather math:

Equation:

If 32º F is freezing… and 32º F minus 32º is… 0º F… carry the 1…

Take the |absolute value| and multiply (x) by the derivative2 of the fractal binary equation.  Multiply that value by the Square Root of (y)…

…According to my calculations the answer is Cold as Fuck.

Anything below zero is cold enough to make snow come out of your nose when you sneeze. That’s all you need to know.  Welcome to January in Michigan.  Our State Welcome Center Sign should read:  “What the Hell are you Doing Here?

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The first egg was invented in a lab by a Hungarian scientist in 1968.  The first attempt was a miserable failure, and resulted in the accidental creation of a plastic-shelled egg filled with jelly beans.  After several tries, the first chicken was hatched in an incubator a couple months later.  The lab technicians named the hen Erzsébet.  The first Easter holiday was celebrated the following year.  Sadly,  Erzsébet died before the party, but her offspring Piroska, and György were present.

They were dropped into a deep fryer later that afternoon.

Is there a time limitation on fortune cookie predictions?

Yes.  It expires when you break the cookie open.  Most people don’t know this, but in order for the fortune to be fulfilled, you have to suck on the cookie until it dissolves  – including the little piece of paper.  It’s a messy and horribly uncomfortable procedure. Give it a try.

Send pics.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but checks when you say the paint is wet?

Because it takes roughly thirty seconds to wash paint from your hands, and about 3000 years to count to four billion.  How desperate are you to validate this claim?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

This one’s actually a tough question.  There are countless transportation options for getting to work in the morning.  Let’s try putting it into a multiple choice format:

A.) Cross Country Skies  B.) A Pair of Stilts  C.) A Pogo Stick  D.) Flying Saucer   E.)  Shovels a path and walks there on his hands

The multiple choice format did not help.

Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it?

The purpose of the dot is to remind the user that any finger is a viable option for calculating or dialing with.  You can even use your thumb to push the buttons if you’d like.

Erzsébet's offspring, Piroska, and György at the first annual Easter party.

Erzsébet’s offspring: Piroska, and György. Photo taken at the first annual Easter party.

There’s probably a former Press Operator reading that’s not finding this very funny.

Sorry dude.  You still rock.  \m

Oops.

Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?

I’ve never been to Hell personally, but if I had to guess, the angry residents there are probably telling jerk-offs to go to the DMV to get their driver’s licenses renewed.  If said Hell resident really wanted to insult the jerk-off in question, he’d probably tell them to go on a Saturday afternoon.  That place sucks.

*********

Alright.  Time to clean this place up.  I gotta head next door to my neighbor’s house and try to explain to him how his car started on fire.  This should be interesting.  Wish me luck.

One last question for you:

What if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about?

*Rimshot*

- Happy Blogging \m/

Click HERE for Part One

Good stuff.

113 comments

  1. Le Clown

    Adam,
    So you live in Michigan, uh? I thought I’d try impressing you with my knowledge of your state:

    1. Flint.
    2. Ypsilanti.
    3. The Upper Peninsula.
    4. Tahquamenon Falls
    5. Holland.
    6. Detroit.
    7. Romulus.
    8. Alanson.
    9. Sault Sainte Marie.
    10. Muskegon.
    11. Pickerel Lake.
    12. Redford.

    That’s right. And they say music is the devil’s work… WTF is Le Clown talking about?
    Le Clown

  2. Madame Weebles

    Here are some other questions that maybe you can help me with. You know those Braille signs for blind people posted in various public places? How would the blind know those signs were there? And in the same spirit of washing bath towels, how would you wash a bar of soap? Also, if the hokey pokey is really what it’s all about, then I’m leaving.

    • Adam S

      Weebles, my head feels like a soggy box of pudding right now. My brain went on vacation after writing this clusterfuck…

      Although, I had a college course in the same building with a girl who was blind. She had someone drop her off for classes, and I was always outside smoking when she pulled up. Her routine was impeccable. She barely even used her guide stick. It was amazing to watch. She had everything mapped out in her brain — including the handle to the door. People without sight *see* things different. It’s like all the senses become stronger or something…

      On a side note, bar soap is supposed to unsanitary. Heard that on 20/20 one time. I disregarded it and took a shower.
      I like to live dangerously…

  3. diannegray

    Question: How did your neighbors car start on fire?

    What’s the Hokey Pokey about? Putting you’re left foot in and left foot out – ewww, makes it sound even worse than it is…

  4. The Bumble Files

    The Hokey Pokey is about turning yourself around! It’s obvious…Adam, hysterical! I didn’t know you lived in Michigan. When I was a child, I wanted to move there. I thought my life would turn around if only, if only, I could live there. But, not if it’s as Cold as Fuck. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’m quite whimpy when it comes to the cold.

    • Adam S

      Thank you Bumbles. Trust me, your life will only go downhill after moving here. Its six months of miserably cold hell. Every. Single. Year.

      I’m dreaming of Baseball and backyard barbecues — and waking up to snow. Must go back to hibernating now….zz.z.zzzz…zzz.zz

  5. talesfromthemotherland

    Left Michigan in 2001 and haven’t been back. If I’d known you were there, it might have been a little less bleak. I’d have to think about that finger… I could do a lot of harm with only one (my middle finger is bionic), and there are some nasty vaccines I’d like to stop getting before I travel. Shit, now my head is spinning again… on that loose thread that holds it there. smile wink.

      • talesfromthemotherland

        If you could see this finger right now, you would not ask that question. Hypothetically or otherwise.

        Davison, MI. Still miss our house, and 2 people… otherwise, it was a stretch in all ways. Love the UP, but again… streeeetch.

      • talesfromthemotherland

        Davison is just outside of Flint… she mumbled, so that no one would hear her admit she lived here. We didn’t go to Detroit often, but around there… for sushi and flights out.

        This past summer, I was putting a penny on the RR tracks near us, to see if the train would really flatten it… and well. I can type well without it, and my other middle finger is brilliant!

      • talesfromthemotherland

        Absolutely not. Promise that you have no hard feelings either… I guess you missed the note in my post: I’m a fiction writer. All ten fingers accounted for! (put your middle finger down!)

        I’m oh so sorry. I know you’re a good guy, but when you misunderstood my bionic joke, I couldn’t resist. It was the wise ass, the prankster and the very clever fiction writer… all swirling in me at once.

        How ’bout I promise to only write very kind, positive comments on your next two posts, in exchange for the brief moment of remorse I may have caused you? Still friends?

    • Adam S

      I haven’t been feeling any remorse as of late — don’t worry! Writing this one whooped me. I’m tired as fuck, and I’m not really comprehending much today anyways. Carry on!
      I think I like smartass comments better anyways \m/

      • talesfromthemotherland

        Smart ass it is. The remorse was mild sarcasm anyway. It’s clear from you posts that you can dish it or take it. All’s well that ends well… and I still have a finger to prove it.

        This post is mental summersaults; no wonder I got that past you.

  6. Fat Bottom Girl

    Sticking my left foot in and my left foot out, is sometimes the only exercise I get for days. . . aside from lifting alcoholic beverages to my mouth and stroking the kitty. Fuck the hokey pokey anyway, I want to do that damn duck song!!

  7. lillianccc

    You may have now scarred me for life because I remember one instance in elementary school where we did the hokey pokey ALL AFTERNOON. Geezus, what were the teachers thinking….. I was only a little first grader! I just liked sticking body parts in and out and turning around and……..
    On a tangent, my former roommate now lives and goes to school in Detroit. After a month of moving there, she told me she couldn’t wait to leave after she graduates in 4 years…. that bad, huh?

    • Adam S

      Thanks, Cathy!

      I’ve never beaten Alex before…EVER. I suck at Jeopardy. I’m always yelling the wrong answer at the screen. I feel dumb even when I’m by myself…

    • Adam S

      Glad you liked it! I was a little unsure about it, and still am.

      I was shooting for definition #3, by the way…

      Some people are dirty, holy shit!

  8. blogless wonder

    Some of the best family vacations from my childhood were spent in Michigan! My siblings and I used to jump in the lake, and then we’d jump, you know, out of the lake, and then, being crazy kids, we’d go ahead and jump right back in the lake. And man, we’d shake about and turn around. And that’s really what it was all about. I got really bad sunburns, though.

    • Adam S

      BW, *most* of my family vacations were in Michigan. I think I’ve been to every city at least 4 times. The west side of the state is really nice, but I’m partial to the Huron side. It’s a lot more accessible.

  9. MissFourEyes

    Haha! They need to start teaching this stuff in schools
    And if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about, then I am a fabulous dancer and NOT like a duck in heels.

  10. sagedoyle

    1. But that’s my magic finger. 2. Because those who didn’t evolve into humans were smarter than the rest of us. 3. I use one towel that lasts a week or two. 4. It doesn’t work but it makes me happy to press buttons. 5. I refuse to do math. 6. The chicken. 7. I once got a fortune that said, “Have a nice day!” so I’d say yes. 8. hahahahaa 9. People believe everything I say :P 10. I’m too tired to answer this one. 11. Well, living in New England I know that most drivers are independent contractors who own their own plows, so they drive the plow from home. 12. Not if it’s silent. 13. For the blind. 14. I thought people in Hell don’t have tongues? 15. Better the Hokey Pokey than the Farmer and the Dell. Sorry I can’t help but to be realistic sometimes which is often boring lol…

  11. iRuniBreathe

    I read this, turned myself around and couldn’t remember where I was. One minute I was inundated with riveting facts and then I put my left foot in. Is that what it’s all about?

  12. The Bumble Files

    Yo Adam! I was wondering how you did your Blogger of the Week up there on your blog. Is that a widget? Or, did you use “text’? You seemed to know stuff, so I thought I would ask. I want to do this, too. Plus, I’m stealing all your ideas. Thank you so much!

    • Adam S

      The Post of the Week section in the sidebar is an Image Widget.
      Dashboard> Appearance>Widgets>Image
      (drag Image to sidebar)

      After you do that, the last text slot in the Image window will ask you for a link — meaning where you want the user to be directed when they click on the image. Click on the article that you want to showcase, and copy the address. Paste the address in that last text slot of the Image Widget box.

      To put a picture on the sidebar like I did, just right click on the image that you want to display, then click “Copy Image URL”. Paste that link in the slot that says: “Image URL”.

      Also,
      * Whatever you type in the slot for “Widget Title” will show up on top of the Image (in bold).
      *Whatever you type in the slot for “Caption” will show up at the bottom of the Image.

      Did I confuse the shit out of you?

  13. Wendy Brydge

    I was completely immersed in Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Philosophy of Composition,” doing research for an upcoming blog post (’cause I’m boring like that and have a snooty art blog) when you posted this gem, Adam. I have to say, while going from “…for he is false to himself who ventures to dispense with so obvious and so easily attainable a source of interest…” to “…according to my calculations the answer is Cold as Fuck” was a shock to the system, it was the perfect distraction. Only disappointment? Why is there no goatee à la Le Clown on Alex Trebek? His face was just calling for it. Maybe the red nose too.

    Ooo, fun fact. Alex is from Sudbury, only a few hours away from me. *throws confetti* God, isn’t THAT exciting???

    I have to say though… looking at your Michigan temperatures I was thinking, “Wow! Send that heat wave my way!” The day you posted this? It was -25ºC, which for you flowery Americans is -13ºF. *tsk* Are you really so delicate, Adam? You know, in my day we had to walk to school, barefoot, with nothing but a burlap sack to cover our shoulders. We trudged through miles and miles of snow, ten feet deep in the shallowest areas, in -60º weather. Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail would keep … oh wait. That’s the guy who brings the mail.

    *looks outside* It’s snowing like crazy here right now. Geez, Adam. I appreciate your hilarious posts but can’t you do a girl a favour and keep that blasted snow down there!?

    • Adam S

      Wendy, this place here is your most guiltiest of pleasures — isn’t it! I thought I scared you off…
      I never even thought about doodling on Trebek. That’s actually a great idea. I think you may have inspired a post. Stay tuned!

      And yes, when it comes to anything snowy/cold I’m the biggest wiener on the planet. I hate cold. I’d rather it be 130F outside then anything below 70F. Cold makes me do nothing. What the hell are you doing up there anyways? Come down here and vacation until Winter is over, tough-girl!

      • Wendy Brydge

        Maybe not my guiltiest of pleasures, but it ranks right up there with Hanson’s “MmmBop” and Nancy Drew novels. And you thought you scared me off, eh? Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t scare that easily. Although Le Clown scares me just a tad.

        You hate the cold, I hate the heat. I’m quite happy to hibernate way up here in the middle of nowhere. I am jealous though as your winter will be over before mine. And I’ll remember that you said you like it at 130º when it’s mid-July and you’re bitching about the heat. Then you’ll be wishing for some of this cool, Canadian weather. And I doubt I’ll be oblige to send you some. *smiles smarmily* … *Googles smarmily* … Good Lord, “smarmily” is a word. Damn, thought I just made it up.

      • Adam S

        Wendy, no Hanson brothers are allowed here. You should know that by now.
        I will never bitch about the heat. As a matter of fact, you might not even see me for a couple of months when the nice weather rolls back in. I’m hoping it starts at the end of February. Boy am I delusional…

  14. AMooreOn

    Great, thought provoking post as always Adam. Even if those thoughts are answers to the world’s most ridiculous questions… Thanks for giving me more stupid shit to ponder. :) BTW – I swear your comment thread is as entertaining as the post. I spend just as much time reading THOSE as your post.

    • Adam S

      Awesome! I’m glad you enjoy! I think the comment thread is more fun than the writing part, to be honest. Everyone brings a topic. I don’t have to sit around and rack my brain. There’s no thinking on my part. Thanks for giving me a topic to write about just now! \m/

  15. benzeknees

    The reason for the dot on the 5 key is for people who touch calculate or touch dial their phone. As long as you put your middle right finger on the 5 (the key with the dot) you can use all the rest of your fingers to push any of the other buttons without looking.

  16. Jean

    I wish there were “like” buttons for comments. Some of your commenters are very clever!

    As for your post. The hokey pokey thing was great . . . yes we now know you’re in Michigan . . . but Area 51 had me rolling! That is the best euphemism I’ve heard in a long time. It ranks right up there with “lady bits.” I hope you don’t mind if I ease that into my day-to-day dialogue.

    • Adam S

      Jean, me lingo es tu lingo.

      The people that visit this place are pretty crafty. That’s why I threw the bat signal into the sky. I knew inspiration was only a few keystrokes away.

  17. Pingback: Le Clown and Me in the Dirty D « MY RIGHT TO BITCH
  18. Pingback: My Right to Bitch Facts and Fallacies | The Artist Formerly Known as MY RIGHT TO BITCH

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