Valentine’s Candy Messages for the Cynical Single Person
Alright! It’s taken me five grueling months to decide on the first candidate to stand under the hot-lights, but I’m 100% confident that I found the perfect mix of raunch and class to pop the MRTB guest blogging cherry. Is that possible to be both raunchy and classy? I guess you’ll just have to judge for yourself.
I’m convinced that Singlegirlie and I were separated at birth, but after that, one of us went on to play rock and roll, drink beer, and start accidental house party fires, and the other went on to debate penis sizes, and lead the single world with a fist in the air and lipstick on her teeth.
Without further ado let’s give a big, warm welcome and rock star salute to the Chelsea Handler of the blogging world, Singlegirlie. Earmuffs.
*****
What up, My Right to Bitch’s bitches? Singlegirlie inna house. Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, which means I’ve been busy stocking up on vodka and hiding the knives and razor blades. But I did take a moment to create some of my own super cute candy hearts with special messages on them for my loved ones. And I made some for you, too. So suck on these, my sweet babboos, and I hope you enjoy the burn of VD as much as I do.
Happy Valentine’s Day. Now STFU.
There’s always that one annoying a-hole who goes on and on about what a wonderful Valentine’s Day they had with their sweetums. Well, I got news for you. Most people, single or not, hate V-day the way 99% of the planet hates Kanye West. If you’re single, you feel like a loser. If you’re in a relationship, you resent the monumental pressure Valentine’s Day forces upon you to do something romantic. So save the sickeningly sweet details about your ooey gooey day for your cat. Because trust me, no one wants to hear that shit.
I’ll always be there. <3 Danny the Dildo
You can’t always count on a man, but your dildo will never let you down. I named my dildo Danny after Danny Zuko from Grease. (Note that this was John Travolta back when he was hot and before he became a big, fat, gay alien worshipper and massage boy molester.) Unlike a man, my Danny is super reliable and I can always find him right where I left him – in my bottom dresser drawer concealed by a mountain of Duracell eight-packs. And although he’s unable to thrust himself and has not the same texture as actual man meat, he also doesn’t make a mess inside me or ask for a post-coitus sandwich.
You’re never alone when there’s Craigslist.
Oh, don’t scoff, you know you’ve looked. Hell, even I’ve used Craigslist before. Granted, you may not find your soul mate, but it beats sitting alone on VD diddling yourself whilst watching queens throw tantrums on Project Runway. On Craigslist, you can find anyone into anything you want, so why not take this opportunity to explore your adventurous side? Always dreamed of urinating in a dwarf’s belly button? Craigslist is there. Hermaphrodite-curious? Look no further. This is your time to go hog wild with absolutely no one to judge you! Only downside is the possibility of getting murdered and dismembered – but hey, at least you’re not alone on Valentine’s Day.
Take solace in the fact that your V-day isn’t as bad as Manti Te’o’s.
If anyone’s had a bad time of it lately, it’s Manti Te’o. How would you feel if you discovered that your fake, dead girlfriend is a real, live gay man? Before this scandal broke, I never knew Manti Te’o existed, much less his catfish girlfriend. But this is the catfish to end all catfish – the King God Kamehameha Catfish, if you will. First, the love of his life gets cancer. Then she dies of it. Then he learns that she faked her own death. Then he learns that she faked her whole identity. Then he learns that she’s a HE – a 275-pound, high-talking, Samoan HE in severe denial of his sexuality. Given the choice between his shit and my shit, I’ll take the dildo and a Craiglist random any day.
I’m single, but you’re stuck with that asshole.
It’s no secret that single folk curse their coupled brethren around this time of year, assuming they’ve got it better because they have a sweetheart. But what we singles are wont to forget is that V-day can be a steaming pile of dog shit for couples, too. As we all know, 50% of marriages end in divorce. But that doesn’t mean the 50% that stay together are all in a state of wedded bliss. I guarantee that many of these people regularly fantasize about stabbing their spouse with a steak knife, but they stay together because of the kids or because divorce is expensive or because the death penalty is still legal in many states. So take comfort in the fact that even though you’re lonely, at least you don’t go to bed at night wondering if your penis will be attached in the morning.
About Singlegirlie
I am a single girl dating in Los Angeles. Sometimes. It’s interesting. If you enjoy snark, penis stories and the occasional F-bomb, mosey on over to Single Girl Blogging to partake in the mayhem. Or find me on Twitter @singlegirlie.
*****
I think I need a drink after that. But first, how bout a round of applause?
- Happy Blogging \m/
P.S. Stop by tomorrow for the Vlog. It’s gonna be killer!
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My dildo’s name is Fred.
Maybe we should set up a play date for them?
That would be awesome.
Awesome post. Just so you know, you are my new BFF (blogging friend to follow). You’re welcome.
Who, me? Kick ass! My other BFFs left me for television. :’(
This is hilarious!
You weren’t kidding when you said she was a trip!
I’m a trip? You’ve got a dog dressed up as Christina Aguilera on your blog header. The resemblance, by the way, is uncanny.
Doggy’s Style,
Would I lie to you?
I like Kanye West!
Lol!! So do I but I wasn’t going to fess up unless someone else did
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Sure, he’s a douche, but he’s a great rapper.
Alright, ONE PERCENTERS. It’s the rest of us 99 percent that have to rise up and march against people like you!
I thrive on being part of the 1 percent; it fills me with a sense of purpose and pride!! I shall resist your rising and marching whilst clutching my Kanye West Greatest Hits (that’s assuming he has one)
More like Greatest Hit.
Haha! Ok, I’ll give you that one!
Who the hell is Kanye West?
Dude two words: thin ice. AND I’m onto my 3rd glass of wine!! You’ve been warned!!
Lush!
Haha!! You love it.
I loved this post. I’m a single woman, too, and don’t much like Valentine’s Day. I buy stuff for my granddaughters and give them money. 17-year-olds want cash for holidays. All holidays. Me, I bought a bamboo in the shape of a heart. That was my token Valentine’s gift to myself. And chocolate. But I buy chocolate all year round. Great post. I loved it. I already said that.
Thanks, love! You’ve got lucky granddaughters. Can I be one?
Sure. I’m super- Nana! LOL
I met my boyfriend on Criagslist. Valentine’s Day is a holiday to be aware (and somewhat ashamed) of that reality.
Really and for true? I’d love to hear that story. No shame.
I need to write about that at some point. I read a story he posted called “Those Fucking Teeth” about a bad internet dating experience, and it was love at first read. …Until he called me Kate in an email, but then I read another thing he wrote later on about on about a bad dog owner he went out with, and I could tell by how it was written it was the same guy, so I emailed him, we hung out, he didn’t kill me (yet), and here we are eight months later.
i found an overhead projector on Craigslist for Twenty Two Dollars!
Katie – how and when did Craigslist get involved? Adam – quite the bargain! If you’re a professor in 1987.
Wait a minute – is the VD Burn Valentine’s Day or, you know, VD? Guess it doesn’t matter because, ironically, neither of them are hot.
You know, you can take your pick on that one. Because VD burns like VD, and vice versa.
I never thought about naming it before. But I should. It does a lot of hard work, you know?
Absolutely! Be thoughtful in your choice. Pick a name that matches his personality. Report back.
Thanks, i needed that.
Excellent! Boom.
She’s talking my language. Excellent.
Denmother
Thanks, Denmother. It’s nearly a universal language, except for a remote region in Spain.
Cougar Sighting!
Denmother,
Fuck.
Twindaddy
Twindaddy,
Excellent.
Every girl out there will probably end up with Bob regardless of whether they are single or not. Oh, who is Bob you ask? Your one and only Battery Operated Boyfriend of course.
How fortuitous! A vibe acronym that is a cleverly disguised man’s name! I hope you and Bob have a wonderfully romantic evening together.
That’s nice, but you’re outta luck when the batteries die. Our hands, however, never lose power. You lose.
Your hands don’t oscillate at 5,490,930 megahertzquads per second. Plus, I understand there’s a game on tomorrow. So…
Hahaha … I love your posts
Him or me? I’ll accept it on both of our behalf.
Great post! You made me laugh about a day that always makes me feel like shit. Tomorrow night, I am going to see Soulfly to escape the Valentines Day bullshit.LOL Maybe I’ll meet my next soon to be ex ?
Good for you for being optimistic!
I think V-day makes most people feel like shit. Even if you’re a couple. So many expectations and pressure. Let’s just recycle it into a cool holiday, like Muppet Day or James Franco Day or Salt Day.
Those days would all be kinda cool… James Franco though, I’m not sure about. Maybe Gary Busey Day? Buy your sweetie a nose full of blow?
I’d rather have a mouth full of James Franco. Dohhh!
Always pretty much hated V-Day. Always felt exactly as you do: if you’re in a relationship, it sucks because of the pressure (really, diamonds for a Hallmark and See’s marketing-fueled holiday?), and if you’re single, it’s just a way of rubbing it in your face. Besides, better to be spontaneously romantic the other 364 days a year, I say…
Geekhiker, I’ll be serving as your substitute moderator today.
You bring up many valid points. Why don’t women ever by the guys diamonds? I could use a few more rocks for my grill. Ya feel meh on that?
Whoopsie, did I drop the ball there? Sorry, it’s Valentine’s, which means I’ve been too shitfaced all day to type. If a guy was spontaneously romantic 364 days of the year, I’d give him a pass on V-day.
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Blow jobs are a guy’s.
I love my dildo. All 12 of them. But my favorite is my light up vibrating butt plug, Louie.
That was the funniest fucking thing I read all day. Blindsided! I’m all caught up in romance and Valentines day, and here you come busting through the door with a dildo bomb. I’m still laughing!
You got a baker’s dozen of sexy time toys there, girlfriend. So, uh, how can you tell when Louie is lit up?
The mariners return to shore safely.
My corns are killing me.
Pop them. Salt & butter. Good to go.
Secret of my successful marriage – sex toys.
I can tell Louie’s lit when my ass can bring in the sailors safely to port.
Ahhh. I didn’t realize you lived by the beach.
Killer post, Singlegirlie!
You have mad blogging skills.
Why, thank you, love!
I’m not keen on VD myself…
It’s not my favorite…