The Potential Highway to Happiness
Photo Credit: Le Monde D’Oneirosia, WordPress.
I’ve had this one particular scenario in my head for awhile now. It’s a fantasy, for lack of better terms, that involves me packing up my car with nothing but the essentials, getting on the road, and driving as far away as I can from the place I live.
I don’t know where it is that I’m going, I don’t know how long it will take before I get there, and I don’t know what will happen after I arrive. I do know one thing: it’s a better and happier place. Actually, it’s the perfect place for me, and one far away from the monotony and melancholy that keep my feet fastened to the ground.
The people in this dream of mine are friendly; they smile with meaning and purpose, and have good intentions. They love life – not the busybody, pretend kind of living – they truly cherish it. They bask in it. Nothing like here. Here is dead. Hopeless. Gray.
Every time I see the movie playing in my mind’s eye, another small bit of color appears in the composition – one that wasn’t there before. It’s becoming less black and white. Maybe it’s a sign that the dream is moving closer to becoming a reality. The energy inside is massive. It’s bubbling and ready to boil over. It’s waiting to explode, and jettison me from this place and onto the highway to happiness.
And then I snap back. I’m forced to shelf it for the time being. What time is it? Oh, good. Only three more hours left. The day’s almost over. Focus on your work, Adam. Stop daydreaming. Forget about it for now. Dream on your own time…
Most mornings I don’t even want to open my eyes. The first thoughts that enter the stream are to just close them again, and somehow be magically whisked away from the bad dream. Hit the snooze button. Alarm. Snooze. Alarm. Still there. Same thing as yesterday. Same people. Same routine.
Another grueling day passes, and I find myself standing under the warm water pouring from the shower head. Numbness. The comforting blanket quickly dissipates, sending a subtle shiver through the core. The warmth never lasts long enough…
As I stand in front of the mirror wiping the steam from the glass, there appears a face from beyond the fog. I recognize it only faintly. The expressionless mug staring back appears tired, drained, lonely. Who is this person? What happened to his dream? His excitement? His energy?
The monologue ends with one final plea; God, or whatever rules this construct, just let me have one glimpse of that happy place before I close my eyes again and dream of nothing.
*****
See, I loath this blog as much as I love it. In some ways it’s completely me. In other ways it’s the byproduct of me trying to thrive in a toxic environment. I’ve become this. The title alone is one of the fasteners that keep me pinned to misery. Sometimes it makes me cringe, and I find myself whispering quietly under my breath- beneath all the image and ego – what have I done?
The mask I hide behind obscures all of the features that identify the real me. It pollutes the compassion and empathy, and the deep longing for a world of forgiveness and understanding inside. It forces me to be something that I don’t want to be anymore – something that is destroying me inside and out, and keeping me from turning into the butterfly that I so desperately want to become.
But how do I take off the mask and break the cycle of fear? How do I expose, once again, all of the most vulnerable aspects of myself to a world that has been so ruthless and unforgiving in the past and present? How do I separate perception from reality? How do I forgive and let go? Is the world really out to destroy me? Or is it just another insecurity or deep-seated fear?
Photo Credit: wallpaperpicture.net
What if, upon exposing my vulnerable throat and belly, I’m slashed a stuck instead of hugged and loved? What if it’s an utter failure, one that leads to my demise, and I find myself face down, consciousness fading, watching the blood flow into the drain? This could be the end of me…
…or it could be the beginning. It could be the start of something bigger. Something better. Something grand and meaningful. And best of all, the evolution might not only bring the daydream to me on demand, but could potentially uproot that dream from the mindscape, and project it onto the dull, uninspiring canvas that I’ve painted myself so rigidly onto – replacing the grays and shadows with brilliant, colorful hues and beaming light.
For now, it’s just an idea, and an idea without an action is just a thought. Thoughts are fleeting. They form and pass like clouds. But without thoughts we’d have no ideas, and without ideas we’d have no dreams, and without dreams we’d have no happiness.
I guess it all comes down to how badly you want to experience life and happiness. How desperate are you to immerse yourself in a dream, rather than settle for watching it on TV? How willing are you to get on the highway, leaving behind the old definition of yourself and reality, and for the first time ever create your own definition? How far are you willing to drive?
I guess that’s what they mean when they say, potential. The will is there.
The action awaits.
-Happy Blogging \m/
Related articles
- Put on a Happy Race… (knewnormalblog.wordpress.com)
- My wishes wait in my dreams (polysyllabicprofundities.com)
Adam S., I didn’t quite expect that on an early Monday morning, but I dug it and it’s February and that seems to be a time when many of us hit a wall. I see it in many posts, including my own, as I roam the blogosphere. I’ve recently read a book, three times over now, called “Do The Work” by Steven Pressfield. I struggle with being stuck and acting on my dreams. This book has moved me. You may want to check it out.
Lastly, I wouldn’t normally encourage this for fear of someone taking it the wrong way, but most definitely…. EXPOSE YOURSELF!
Denmother
Thank you, Cougar. Sorry, it is kinda heavy for a Monday. But! That’s why I posted it today. It’s a reminder to be proactive. Figure out what the problem is, or what the source of the unhappiness is, and work toward doing something better for yourself. There can’t be any waiting. Someone at the bottom of the thread brought up a great point – one that I believe in too – there’s a time limit on certain things. Act before that time limit expires. Work diligently at it. I am.
And thank you so much for the book referral! I actually just downloaded it. I’ll keep you posted. \m/
Yes, please keep me posted. Connecting with others on this journey is powerful – cheesy but true! Hope the book speaks to you…
Denmother
I think this is one of, if not my favorite, posts that you’ve written. Not to take away from any of your other stuff which is equally brilliant and hilarious, but it’s nice to see some of it stripped away. This was very raw for you. I like it.
Thanks, Katie. A little bit of that Art Blog stuff for your Monday. And I very much appreciate your praise. I’m not going anywhere any time soon. I enjoy being a smart ass too much. But, I think MRTB just croaked…
Even if you are slashed and stuck, just remember that chicks dig scars. But excellent work. I can certainly relate.
Cool! I cut my finger today at work. Are you getting turned on? Haha
*smiles*
i will just say this: it is good to see this side of you didn’t get buried. a perfect piece.
Thank, M. When have I ever been buried?
haven’t seen it on here in a while
You haven’t been looking hard enough!
The potential for ‘happiness’ has never motivated me. If you achieve it, then what? Stay where you are forever after, afraid to do anything different because you might lose the ‘happy’ state you are in? Bah.
Instead, my goal in life is ‘boredom avoidance.’ I’m constantly shuffling the pieces of my life, making changes, some of them small and simple, like moving the bedroom furniture around, some of them large and scary, like taking a leave of absence from work to take acting lessons. Gotta keep moving, breathing, living, experiencing. So get in that car and drive, but I hope you don’t find happiness, ’cause that sounds boring. I hope that instead you find something that makes that snooze button unnecessary.
Well, I can’t disagree. I’m a project kinda guy. That’s why I like the blog. It keeps my wits up and my tongue sharp. It’s the environment that I’m working toward removing myself from. It’s an uninspiring place. It’s like, if you’re an eccentric actor-type and you wanna be on the big screen, you gotta be in L.A. or New York to have a shot at it. Plus, you’ll be around more people that have the same eclectic personality and taste. Ya smell meh?
yup! and I hope you make that move soon!
Just have to chip in here jaschmehl and say how much I love your phrase at the end there about hoping you find something that makes that snooze button unnecessary – if we boil everything down, that pretty much sums up what we’re all looking for! Excuse me while I run off and scribble that phrase down in my book of phrases to live by…
*blushing* – thanks
A brutally honest piece. It touched me. You will find what you’re looking for. So will I. I’ve had these same feelings lately. And they are scary. You put them into words that I could never express. Thank you. You helped a lot.
Thank you Mairedub, and you’re welcome. Its so important to keep your eyes on the prize. All of the setbacks have to be overcome. Failure is part of success. I think if you set yourself up with that mindset, you set yourself up for a successful trip.
I’m finding myself in an awkward situation where I want to say a lot of things but can’t because I’m feeling the words too deeply and they would just come off superficial and cliche. I do think you said it best in the last segment about it all coming down to how badly you want it and I think it’s totally true. Fear is a powerful tool but too often it turns into a weapon that can destroy us if we don’t learn to temper it down if not conquer it. Don’t let that fear stand in your way of living the way you want, the way you know you were/are supposed to.
Whatever happens next, all of us in this blogosphere has your back. Rock on, dude, rock on.
Thanks Lillian, you’re right on about fear. I’m starting to like fear though, because when I’m afraid of something, I know that it’s either something important to me, or something exciting. Another cool thing is that all of the little anxieties are like reminders to pay attention to yourself. When you do, you’ll start noticing things about yourself and your personality that you weren’t aware of before. That inspires growth and change. Like, for instance, I’m a jealous person on the inside, but I’ve learned that acting on it is just fucking ridiculous. It’s my insecurity, not someone else’s. Each time I let it pass it has less power over my thoughts. Eventually it becomes trivial stuff.
Lastly, I will rock the fuck on. You do the same! Thanks for speaking yer mind, as always. \m/
Wow. This post is so honest, I like it a lot. I hope you find all your answers someday.
Thank you, Miss Four Eyes. Um, I have all the answers already. You wanna buy a couple??
Adam I love you! Not only is this post truly phenomenal, you are as well. I am lucky to have had the opportunity to get to know you and have deep conversations. I like that we have shared thoughts on life, depression, anxiety, dreams unseen or at least un-lived and of course just a wonderful and growing friendship. Your words here touched me deeply. Can I come too?
BTW, this paragraph…I completely get it, I know exactly what the feelings are behind those words:
“See, I loath this blog as much as I love it. In some ways it’s completely me. In other ways it’s the byproduct of me trying to thrive in a toxic environment. I’ve become this. The title alone is one of the fasteners that keep me pinned to misery. Sometimes it makes me cringe, and I find myself whispering quietly under my breath- beneath all the image and ego – what have I done?”
Namaste my friend. I am always here for you whether it’s to laugh, cry, compare notes, or even bitch about bitching.
Love you too, darlin! That was a pretty fucking cool thing of you to say. You may come along too, however, you gotta drive the morning shift. And pay for the gas. And hotel stays. President suites only. I’m liking this! I’m glad that you asked!
I consider you a friend, and I’m glad we met! We have more things to write about. I’m get tin’ busy, and you probably are five projects ahead. Ready. Set. Go!
Go? Helly I’m gone! :p
BTW I hit all the social share :0
Thank you, miss!
Wherever you go, there you are.
I love that quote. I’m not big on quotes, at all, but that one is a keeper.
I know the feeling. Yesterday I was thinking of dropping out of college and moving to Chicago to go to Loyola until I realized that I have too much anxiety to even go out my front door, let alone move across the country. If you do decide to pack up and go, Godspeed to you my friend!
Baby steps, Pepper, baby steps. Did you ever see the movie, What About Bob? What a classic! Don’t let the negativity rule you. That’s one of the points that I’m making here. When you sit and sulk, you’re not moving forward. Try this: download some electronic music – psytrance, actually. The constant beat and lack of words has a way of moving you forward and locking you in. I can’t explain it. Email me if you ever want some good suggestions. That shit is hard to find!
Hi Adam,
I have three words: Armin Van Buuren.
I’ve often dreamed of picking up and leaving. I leave my whole self behind and create a new person, identity and all. I think this makes us human. The easy part is picking up and leaving, the hard part is staying and changing to make it better. You’re post is quite raw and that’s why we all relate. You’re a terrific writer Adam. Whatever you decide enjoy it.
Thanks, yo. Your compliment is taken to heart. I love writing. And Colby cheese too. I don’t know what is about Colby cheese? You’re also right on about staying and changing. I think you’ll always battle the intrusive thoughts, but being closer to the equator would certainly help me out. I get seasonal depression really bad here. I go on vacation, it disappears. This place sucks for about eight months out of the year. I’m not being over dramatic. It’s cold. Yuck. But, my car is packed. Where the hell are my keys?
Love it. I kind of sense sometimes that something like this lingers underneath your writing. I hate that feeling of not wanting to get up. Like you would rather die than run through this daily routine one more time. Not that I would kill myself, but that feeling of not caring if I continue. Like there is nothing left to look forward to. “How do I expose, once again, all of the most vulnerable aspects of myself to a world that has been so ruthless and unforgiving in the past and present?” I think you just did. And what happened? We listened, we understood, and we find you have a story. I’m not sure we can separate perception from reality. Our perception is our reality, is it not? Maybe the question is how do we recreate our perception.
On a personal level, I get this. Too well. Also, if you remember I am really in-tune with color, so the black/white and color really speaks to me. I have too many blogs to follow completely, but only a handful I wait for on the edge of my seat. Yours is one of them. This was no disappointment, Adam.
The action awaits . . .
Thank you so much Jean, i really appreciate that. We go way back to the beginning, don’t we? Just to fill you in, I have a photographic memory. I don’t forget things easily. I’m like rainman. Was it the one about me painting houses beige for a living? (Haha)
Keep finding new things to get into, Jean. That’s what I do. I’m a project junky. I get into something and it takes me over. I think you mind be the same type. Just keep pressing on and laugh at all the stupid shit along the way. That’s what I do?!
Lastly, I would love for you to elaborate on what lingers beneath the writing. I’m interested to know what you read between the lines. Its all pretty multi-dimensional. I like knowing that people are thinking deeper. Share!
You already know I am right here with you, and obviously we are not alone. I’m going to say thanks again for sharing this and putting into words what some of us have not been able to. XO.
And there is that beautiful mug again! You’re welcome, darlin. It’s tough to talk about this kinda stuff. I completely understand. It took a reeaally long time to get it out, believe me. But it feels good. Try it, you might surprise yourself. And right back at you! XO
Adam, you know that I have experienced very similar things, and shared them in my posts. I want to thank you for reading them, and being a part of that experience. I’ve really enjoyed our interactions, and I appreciated your support. I wanted to start with that, because I feel like the most important response is compassionate support. I totally get this. I have worked hard to keep my posts real. To move away from the showman I often am, and could be (so much easier) in writing. It’s so easy to sit at a keyboard and be someone else. It’s easy to be sharp and witty, and snarky, from behind the screen. That is part of who I am, too. But, I appreciate you making yourself vulnerable here, and sharing that. I appreciate it when you have read my “harder” posts, the ones where I’ve felt exposed, and you have been compassionate. That is the place that we all connect on a deeper level. The laughs, the fun, the snark, is fun too. It works for a lot of us, but I encourage you to take the risk and drive off in your car, so to speak. How bad do you want it? Sounds like you want it a lot. Carpe man, carpe! You deserve it.
Hey, I really appreciate that, and you’re very welcome. I think you are a tremendous writer. You’ve really good at capturing raw emotion and feelings, and I’ve found myself there with you too. One post sticks out. It was the one that I introduced you to Miriam on. This blog won’t go away. It’s too much fun, but I think it’s time for it to evolve. MRTB 2.0. I don’t like being pigeon holed. Sometimes this is the kind of stuff that needs to come out. I’m a pretty dynamic writer, and sometimes I just don’t feel like forcing something when other things are willing to come naturally at the moment. Beyond that, you bet. I’m shaking things up. It’s gonna be a fun ride. I think we’re all kinda watching each others evolutions, and it’s been a lot of fun. Thanks again for always humpin’ my blog. Honestly. This is for you: \m/.
Keep it in a safe place.
Safe with me, friend. The post you remember is Black and Blue. I wrote it, very raw, posted it and then had very conflicted feelings about having it out in the world. Especially running into people where I live, who read the blog and read that. Overall, glad I put it out there… but felt naked for a long time! I think that ultimately, sharing all of our writing, all of our sides, is a good thing. I support you 100%! Bring it on. And when you feel like posting the stuff that comes “easy,” I’ll cheer that on too.
Thank you very much. Black and blue was an excellent piece. It was extremely raw. It actually came to mind while I was writing this. Truly, I appreciate your support.
“In other ways it’s the byproduct of me trying to thrive in a toxic environment”
I totally get this. No words of wisdom, other than you are not alone.
Thanks, Ginger. It’s true stuff. Plants need fertile soil to grow. Ya know?
Thoreau said that most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Keep thinking and dreaming and striving, Adam, and you’ll have a better chance of realizing your potential, and finding all that you’re looking for. And keep that sense of humor with you as you go!
Lovely, sincere post!
Ah, thank you! My sense of humor will never go away. It will probably be back by Thursday, 7am. I real appreciate your kind words. It’s nice to have people backin ya! I got your back, yo.
As Thoreau said, Right back at ya, bro!
I have written something along these lines – and I think a crapload of people have. There’s a general sense of unhappiness, or more like dissatisfaction. I thought like this before, but then I thought ‘what if it’s me?’ In other words, what if the way things are doesn’t depend on this place, but this person? So, what’s around where you live? Little pockets of beauty or interest or just bizarre things that appeal to you and no one else? Once I found this place called Garden Station, and I stayed there for about an hour just walking around and looking at everything. I think that was a stepping stone to changing my outlook.
Not that I’m saying if you trick yourself enough you’ll be happy anywhere. That’s not true. But just looking at a few things differently might get you to see things aren’t that bad. Other than work, that is. Work sucks. ha ha
Thanks, Ed. I agree with your idea of changing your negatives around. It’s a tough cycle to break, but it’s doable and been done. The long winters here make it tough though. I get bit pretty hard by the seasonal depression bug, and it saps the life out of me. I need sun, and a lot of it. I don’t wanna be anywhere near the cold. I keep myself busy though. I’m really enjoying the blogging thing. It takes you wherever you wanna go, you know what I mean?
Ah, fuck. Sometimes, the blogging thing sucks. I’ll be honest. But I’m finding if I wait a little bit between blog posts, it gets better. Right now, it could just be the season. I felt like this last year, if I remember right. But there weren’t as many cool people to get me through everything blogwise last year. Also, my wife totally distracts me from the blog, in the best possible way. I find myself wanting to spend time with her and not blog so much.
Anywho, yeah, I’ve seen a general unease in the blogosphere, and this shit has got to get better soon. I mean, it will, right?
What do you mean by a general unease? Elaborate, I’m curious.
I get what you’re saying about masking the real you… my blog is that confusing I have no idea who I am when I blog! But in a very weird way, I like it! All we can do is keep on keeping on. Things will make sense, fall into place eventually, the road to happiness has lots of twists and turns along it, but we’re still on the road to happiness! Great post, Adam.
Tom, thank you kindly. And that’s not a bad thing at all. It’s nice to have a place to share your thoughts, feelings, and craft whenever you’d like. You’re right, it’s windy, but it’s all a character building experience. I think good things are on the horizon. \m/
Hmmm, trying to come to terms with your own reality in comparison to your hopes and dreams is a tough one. I think it’s probably something that we continually think about and challenge. And that in turn is probably because we as individuals are always evolving. Our outlook, opinions, perspectives, principles and expectations are continually changing as we grow and develop via our life experiences. What you strived for 5 years ago (and thought you wanted) may not be fulfilling you now; for various reasons. I threw the dice 5 years ago and walked away from the life I thought I wanted – I’m not necessarily 100% fulfilled in my life presently but I was true to myself. And I think that’s all anyone can do – keep hoping, keep striving and most importantly be true to yourself Adam
xx
That’s some quality advice. Thank you for sharin’! I’m resilient, you know? I go down, I get up bigger and badder than before. I try not to get hung up on all of the negative stuff – with the exception being the blog. Really, it’s just my place to vent and poke fun. You are the recipient of all of it!
What did you do before you got into design?
Hello my darling Adam. How are you today mucker (in good ‘ol Northern Ireland ‘mucker’ is an affectionate way to refer to a friend)?! Although I don’t really like being friends with boys, cos they smell n stuff
You’re welcome, I don’t mind sharing especially if I feel it’s relevant or useful. I go up and down all the time (not in that way you dirty, dirty man) and ponder a little and then say ‘right, that’s it I’m taking fucking control’!!!!
Can you believe that in my previous life I was the devoted wife; with two dogs and lived in the country? Fast forward 5 years and now I’m living a very (sometimes slightly vodka induced) independent life in the city. It was probably THE most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make to date. But I wasn’t happy. And as I said previously you gotta be true to yourself. I’ve always loved interior design and harboured silly little fantasies that one day I could actually BE a designer. Knowledge is power, right? So I studied a Diploma in interior design in 2011; then because I felt so inspired and full of optimism that I decided to progress onto Degree level. I’m still working full time in my current job and studying at the same time. I’m a Civil Servant (Booo….hissss) and it DOES NOT inspire me AT ALL. I never would have thought 8 yrs ago that I’d be where I am today – I was always a planner; always a thinker; always sure of what I wanted; where I wanted to be and how I saw my future…..or so I thought.
I’m not sure what my point is; The Big Bang Theory has just come on TV and my geek crush for Sheldon has distracted me. Oh yea, never lose sight of your goals; if you want something do everything within your power to make it happen. Because then, even if you’re not completely successful you know in your heart that you at least tried and gave it your best shot.
And yes, I AM usually the recipient of your shit but I wouldn’t have it any other way
Your story is exactly what I am striving for currently. And good for you challenging your complacency, or general unhappiness. Man, it’s a tough thing to do. But it needs to be done. I find that it begins with awareness – being aware of what your thoughts and feelings are. After that, a plan of action is needed. The last and most important thing is following through. Did I mention that it’s hard already? But anything worth having is well worth the struggle.
Thanks again for sharing, yo. Much appreciated.
When I feel this way I can’t help but think that it is my spirit, my soul, the essence of me screaming “You are living the wrong life!”
The ego is an eternally hungry thing that can never be satisfied, no matter how much energy you give it. It will always leave you feeling empty and unsatisfied. A bit like eating fast food. You get the party in your mouth, your belly feels full, but inevitably it just makes you feel dirty on the inside.
Nothing will change Adam, until YOU change something.
I like the fast food analogy, Tracy. That’s exactly the way I feel. Btw, did you ever see Supersize Me? God, I can’t get that hurl scene out of my head! Anyways, I think you and me are very much alike. You stay busy with lots of stuff like I do with the video, music, and writing etc. I think it’s just a constant need for certain types of stimulation in a certain part of the brain. I think I speak for both of us, but I think without those things, we’d go apeshit nuts! But then, why are we so overly stimulated by other things? Like, the anxiety?
My car is packed, T. Just trying to find my keys. Thanks for dropping’ by!
Have a plan! Otherwise, you will wake up one morning and see that another decade has passed. Anyone who says it’s never too late to pursue your dreams is full of crap. Some dreams, sure. Others? Life has a way of locking you into place if you let it.
Seriously, think about socking away enough money to live on for six months. Set a drop-dead date for DOING SOMETHING. Take off for Europe. Join Greenpeace. Work on a farm. Work on a boat. Hike the Appalachian Trail for three months. (It’s a great adventure for a loner such as yourself.)
What is your passion? What do you do that makes you think, “Right now I am totally and completely happy”? Knowing that may help lead you to the next step.
Sondra
XXOO
Sondra, I like what you said a lot. Thank you. It’s very true, and as I get older, I’m starting to realize that there really is a time limit. That’s scary. Five years ago I was drowning my liver at the bar twice a weekend without a worry. Now, things are real. Time is ticking. I really like your ideas too. It’s Anthony Bourdain-ish. I’m a fan of his, and I think I m gonna do something like that. The U.S. though. I’m not a ballerina like you
emoticon alert!
Thanks for your input, I really appreciate you taking the mid to drop a thoughtful response. I swear, this is half the fun – talking to all you guys. \m/
Holy shit, Adam. That was deep. I guess my advice to you is this…. if you’re not happy change what is making you unhappy. If your not satisfied with your life you need to search yourslef and determine what it is you want and then go for it.
Whatever it is you’re looking for, I hope you find it, my friend. This is a side of you I’ve never seen. I like it.
Twindaddy, thank you. Yes, I am a big pussy, I know. But how do I know you’re not squirting one under your storm trooper hat? You might be one too? I’m yankin’ you around! I appreciate your advice man, honestly. I’m making strides. This is something I just gotta deal with from time to time. Chin up! \m/
That’s the advantage of the helmet. I may be crying, but nobody knows.
By articulating and typing this out you have expressed an idea that has now been set in motion. You just have to stand on that highway. The potential is all there, all of it’s within you.
Do you remember our conversation?
You bet!
It feels good to be naked. But I’m getting dressed now as I write…
Dude, I feel you. I used to have many daydreams about just getting on a plane at random and starting over there (with the understand that the destination was better and happier). I had those thoughts all the time. I wanted to be anywhere except where I was, geographically and mentally/emotionally. It takes a while to muster up the energy, etc, to make the change and do whatever it is that you want/need, but that’s okay. You’ll get there. And big props for you for being so aware of all this stuff, not everyone is!
Weebs, thank you, the encouragement is very much appreciated. All you fuckers always got my back. And that’s why I love you all, honestly. You , and everyone else, I wish we could all just party together. On an island with coconuts. And beer. And bratwursts. And some metal in your face! Until then, I got your back too, and promise to hump the shit out of your blog when I get caught up.
Wow, Adam, I appreciate your honesty and really like this post. I feel like you unveiled yourself, let us in to discover something that maybe you want to expose about yourself. It’s hard to always feel like you must perform, even on your blog. We’re all human here, after all, wanting to share and to be heard. As I read this, I found myself asking, “What’s holding you back?” I know it’s easy to think about things, and dream about them, and quite another to act on them. But, you can make it happen!
Amy, thank you. It’s true I have another dimension. I am in fact human after all! I agree, it’s a challenge. There are invisible forces that need to be ignored, and that is the difficult part. I think it’s time for a funny story, what you think?
Adam, just be true to yourself. Otherwise, it could come back to haunt you.
I applaud you for GETTING to that vision. I had it, lost it and now am actively and steadfastly trying to get it back. I will.
Just keep it close. You will find some version of it im sure
Thank you, Audacious Amateur Blogger. You are new here. Welcome aboard!! I think you need to drop by a couple parties that we throw around these parts. It’s fun. This is a rare day, all this crying. Thank you however, and keep your chin up as well!
I know that feeling so well – when you want to just ditch the life you’re living so much for something else on the other side of the horizon! When you want to change something so badly – just to see if it would affect the rest of your life. You aren’t Sagittarius are you? This is a well know trait of us Sagittarians.
Actually! I’m a Scorpio. Every bit a Scorpio. Does that clarify the entire blog now? Haha!
Being a Scorpio does not explain your wanderlust – but i can tell you Scorpio/Sagittarius is a volatile combination in a love relationship. I don’t understand the sign \m/ though – can you tell me what this is?
\m/ means rock hand.
Scorpios are headstrong leaders while Sagittarius are wanderers which is why I asked if you were a Sagittarius. For instance, when our business in NW Ontario failed 6 years ago, hubby & I thought nothing of moving across 3 provinces to start over again. Now you’ve explained it I definitely can see the rock hand!
I kept waiting for this to be a story. It crossed my mind, “This is fantastic writing.” Then I realized it was serious, and it was you. I haven’t known you very long, Adam, but I like that you are viewing these feelings as possibly the start of something new. You’ll never know until you try. Before I was married, I would have these feelings of discontent, and many times, I simply ran off for a week or a weekend – to Florida or New York City. When our son was thrown out of day care, and the public school wanted him on meds, I quit my corporate job to homeschool him. I didn’t have a clue, but we made it an adventure. That decision turned into starting my own home business on the side, and after the boy graduated and moved out, I started writing books! … Leap when you’re ready. Shake up your life and make it what you want. It can be frightening at times, but it makes life an adventure. I wish you well as you make your way.
Maddie, if I ever write a book, which I probably won’t, but if I do, this will be the prologue. Thank you very much. Coming from a published author, that makes me feel pretty good. I like writing, ya know?
That’s a very encouraging story too. I enjoy reading abou people’s life routes and all the twists and turns. Each is like a movie script. I’m ready now. Leaping has commenced. I’m excited to see how it all shakes out. I’m sure you guys will know aaaalll about it, in one way or another.
Thanks, Maddie. You’re a doll. I’m sure we will be hanging out on here a lot! \m/
Adam – I’m sorry you’re feeling like you’re in this rut. I’ve always believed that it doesn’t matter how far you go, you can never escape yourself. Sorry to put it so bluntly!
Happiness and contentment can really only be found ‘within’ – and once you find that, you’ll truly enjoy taking off in the car. Use this blog to be YOU and never use it for what you think people want you to be. Make a plan and work towards it, otherwise you’ll find yourself in a warmer climate feeling exactly the same way. Big *hugs* to you and I really hope your dreams come true…
Dianne, you are so right on, and thank you so much. It’s the truth, and I think your entire comment is sound advice. That is the challenge, indeed – the within part. I want it all, and I want it now. Maybe it’s a generational thing. Who knows. But you’ll be one of the first to read about it as it unfolds, I promise that! Rock on, and thanks for always hangin out! \m/
I wanted to leave a comment because I feel that a post like this deserves so much more than a ‘like’, but alas I have nothing meaningful to say. I really loved this post. Thank you.
Thank you very much Steph, and you’re very welcome too.
Great post, and some great comments from others too. Sometimes we can imagine that our happiness is based on geography, and that moving away will solve everything, but really we know that’s not true. I guess it’s to do with the human fight or flight instinct isn’t it, maybe we feel that we’ve tried fighting and it didn’t work, so we’ll try flighting instead (is flighting a word? I don’t know, but I think it works!). I sometimes want to write something on my blog exposing myself more like you have, but I kind of can’t because of the other people involved, so I have to suppress the urge! But I do think that when you can, you should…
Thanks, Vanessa. I agree with you about attitude following you wherever you go. For me, it’s important that I get away soon from the cold and gloominess. It doesn’t do anything good for me in the least. It’s depressing, and not very motivational.
You’re welcome to open up on here anytime. I know how you feel, and it’s probably a wise decision.
While I love all your entertaining posts, I have to say I really loved to see you write from the heart in this one. More of both please!
Thanks, Miss Wordy. You are a personal favorite of mine. And not because of that very sweet comment, but because you’re an excellent writer, and you’re good people too. Comin’ right up!
Adam,
Of all the post I’ve read of yours, this is my favorite. Keep the honesty and the emotion coming. You asked, “But how do I take off the mask and break the cycle of fear?” You just did it, my friend. I echo what has been said above, you are already on the highway. Your dreams are in the process of coming true. This post is proof that you are ready (already) for change. Can’t wait to see the butterfly that emerges from this cocoon. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo
Thanks for your positivity, Kozo. I’m glad to have you around. It’s a challenge, but the hardest part is over – initiating the change. It won’t happen over night, but I’m already packing my bags so to speak. Stay tuned. \m/
Damn, dood. Talk about fear and loathing in… wherever you are. And I share many of your feelings myself. I imagine a lot of bloggers do. Actually, you really touched on some shit. Damn. What to do, what to do.
What to do is the problem, I find. Having nothing to do is what needs to be challenged. *Want* to do something. That’s all we have. I agree though, this kinda stuff isn’t unique to any one person. I think we all deal with it on varying levels. Thanks for poppin’ in, as always. You know I got your back, chick.
And I yours. Let me know if ya need anything. xoxox
Thanks, Darlin.
Life is short. Get on the road.
Packing my bags right now…
Go for it, man. Change is scary (at least, at first), but it is always for the better. If there’s nothing weighing you down to where you are, then cut those strings and float away. Do it.
Dude, thanks Mike. Your encouragement is very much appreciated, and I’m making great strides already. I’m really glad to have good people like yourself around to support that change. Honestly, it means a lot.
Happiness and peace of mind is a good goal, so I wish you all the success in the world, man. U-Haul road trip!
Adam,
This is how change begins. Once you see what you want it’s hard to be patient. It’s hard to go through the motions of what you’ve rejected when your mind has already advanced to a better place. You are already on your way brother; to get there in one piece, with dignity and grace; that is your goal.
Winter is coming to a close. Miserable, cold, dark, fucked-up, oppressive winter will give way soon to spring. Hope along with new growth will return all around us. I know you are like me; I hate the closed-in feeling winter gives me. The closer I get to release from that box, the more urgent the need becomes. It truly fucks with my head. I need to live near the equator where winter doesn’t exist and you can always count on 12 hours of daylight every damn day. Spring will lighten the load.
While you’re waiting, why aren’t you vacationing south in Louisiana? Seems like a good idea to me…
All hugs and love from here brother, thank you for sharing.
John
John, I couldn’t agree with you more about the depressing, shitty winter blues. It’s so hard to cope with sometimes. I’m trying my best to stay positive and occupied in the meantime. This thing that I’ve put into motion is working, however. Two steps forward, one step back, etc. You know the routine.
And I think a Louisiana vacay might not be too far off in the future…
Thanks as always for your support, man. \m/
You got it brother.
Anything for you! \m/
Adam,
You’re growing as a blogger. This is a side of you I hope to read more of…
Eric
Eric,
Thank you. It’s barely the surface.
Sometimes I feel my blog keeps me from dealing with reality; I am able to live in cyberland as opposed to dealing with people. I think technology is both a blessing and a curse, but more so the latter. Fear is the only thing which will stop you from loading the car and turning the key. What if your underbelly gets slashed? So be it. You will have lived instead of just existed! Isn’t that what life is supposed to be about? Living??
Hey, I’ve been there. I can fully relate to the reality-avoiding aspect of it all. But, in a sense, it’s also provided a reality too. You said it. The reality is that instead of pursuing life, you’re living through others. I’m speaking in generalities of course. I cant see you of course. Or can I?? (Spy cam alert)
I’m moving forward. I hope you are too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, as always.
Who’s to say we’re not in a giant blog. Did you take the red pill or the blue pill?
Well the ones that momma gives me don’t do anything at all!
I told that rabbit to stop smoking pot. He doesn’t listen.
AdamS,
We (meaning Me, My Cat and My Three Personalities) miss you over at TFTDRS. You should stop by and have coffee.
Pepper, I’m coming!
You’ve come too far to turn back now, Adam.
I hope the journey yields answers and awesome discoveries!
Thanks, Hook! It’s been a time of self-discovery, that’s for sure. I’m learning a lot. I really appreciate your support and encouragement, it really means a lot.
I loved this, on so many levels. I want to write more about what it meant to me, and how I grokked it… but just: yes. And I would scratch your belly any day of the week (in that non-dirty way)!
Thanks, Hannah. I appreciate that, and I would welcome a belly-scratching any day of the week. \m/
Ah the masked sweet heart emerges ! Either my timing sucks or I’ve just been slacking off but I haven’t caught onto your posts as of recent and just wondered who the hell the new face was!
But this was such a personal post (‘: http://veryhilarious.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/concerned-owl.jpg – a little dorky pick-me-up .. bare with me.
I also read the post about your title and you’re right, the first few sentences did send me into turmoils. And if it makes this comment more worthwhile I actually bought into your Mexican Cancun offer for a good five minutes (cause I was reading it over x5 just to make sure there weren’t any bloopers).. that’s when I saw the next part. Serves me right.
Sarah, the new face is yours truly. Actually, it’s the same face just different attire. And I actually laughed out loud after you describing your surprise and dismay about the Cancun trip! Now I feel bad. That would be pretty awesome though, maybe one day!
And Thank you for the Owl Card, that was very sweet of you. It hits home for me. I find myself doing that to others but have a hard time sometimes doing that for myself!
It must be 2013. Including myself, I find that many bloggers, are changing. I loved this post. I hope you find what it is you are looking for. You spoke words many of us can’t.
Thank you so much. I appreciate you taking the time to read so much and leave your feedback. I’m well on my way, if not already there. \m/