My Right to Bitch Facts and Fallacies
Look at me goin’ all Prince up in here…
This informal name blogging contest thingy is getting fun! Thank you so much for all your suggestions. Honestly, you guys are a clever brand. I’m in good company. Oh, and Calahan, stop being so damn funny.
Anyways.
I always wanted to do this. This post is like a magic trick explained – debunked. I’m blowing the mystique of David Blaine so to speak. Of course, I’m only assuming that you too think he has mystique. If not, disregard the comment.
Today is a continuation of this whole cleansing/purging ritual that I’ve succumbed to. I wanted to take this opportunity to present to you a list of fallacies about me and this page which you may or may not have mistaken for fact. If I were a famous musician this might be something you’d find in the “box set”. Some of it you may find shocking. Some of you might even hurl. So, grab a bucket and keep it close.
Behold, MY RIGHT TO BITCH unmasked:
MRTB Fallacy #1 I Loath Hypothetical Questions.
In two of my past posts, Hypothetically Speaking, and Still Speaking Hypothetically, I spewed off about how much I loath unanswerable questions. This a fabrication. I actually love ’em. Find as many as you can and I’ll find a disturbingly creative way to answer them.
MRTB Fallacy #2 I’m Not Into Small-Talk
In another post, 5 Creative Ways to Avoid Small Talk, I played the role of a social-phoebe. The truth is, I’ll talk to you until your ears bleed. There’s nothing in this world I love more than chillin’ out on a patio, in the middle of the summer, drinkin’ beers and yackin’ it up with good company. I’ll even pay. However, if The Bragger, Story Teller Steve, Religious Rick, or Political Pete show up, the party’s movin’ indoors, followed by a deadbolt. Oh, and I am Too Much Information Guy. But you knew that already…
MRTB Fallacy #3 I’m a Picky Halloween Candy-Eater
Back in October, Don’t Be a Halloweiner included a list of sucky candy not to pass out to trick-or-treaters. I told a white lie. There are three items on that list that I actually love: Mounds, Almond Joy bars, and Raisinettes. Whoppers still actually do suck. As a kid I never liked any of them, however. I think all kids are genetically hard-wired to hate those candies. That much is true, so don’t pass them out. Seriously, this is science talking. Never argue with science. Unless you’re catholic.
MRTB Fact # 1 The Fruitless Pursuit of an Anonymous Hacker is a True Story.
I do dumb shit like this all the time. I get riled up about something, then drive around trying to figure out a plan to right all the injustices of this world. I usually give up soon after departure, and head back with my tail between my legs. Then I end up sitting down someplace to chain smoke and mull it over.
MRTB Fact # 2 Suze Orman is One of My Role Models.
Yes, you read that correctly. She’s kind of turdy most of the time, but the chick knows personal finance better than you. And me. Although, despite her financial wizardry, she’ll never be protected from future Fotoshopping efforts. Ever. It’s too easy. Speaking of, she’s also not really missing a tooth, but I think I mentioned that already. You gotta admit, it was a seamless Fotoshop-job.
MRTB Fact # 3 I Voted for Bush
Both times. I can already see the comments…
MRTB Fact # 4 I Love Reading Books
The problem is that I rarely finish any of them. I’m not that big on novels, however. I don’t think I’ve made it past the fourth chapter of any of the so called Classics. Go ahead, blast me. The problem is that I get sidetracked when people speak in fucking Olde English. I’m sure it’s a classic, however, I found the first forty pages or so to be extremely uninteresting and confusing. Plus, I would much rather make up my own stories. Side note: I have to credit my Grandma for teaching me how to story-tell. When we were little kids she’d always make up bedtime stories on the fly. They were all better than any of the crap I write.
MRTB Fact # 5 I Do Poetry and Short Screenplays
But you won’t find any of it here because it’s not for prying eyes! I’m not Spielberg or Edgar Allen Poe by any stretch, but I dabble in both from time to time. Scripting is actually the reason I started the whole blogging thing in the first place. See, a lot of people that write scripts (not me) are really fucking snooty. They act like they’re all carrying around the next Forest Gump Screenplay. Give me a break. I always wanted to make a Short Film, but it’s virtually impossible to network with people in the trade. Ah bite me. Now I write blog posts instead. It’s funner. More fun, I mean…
Anywhoozle, I feel better. If you have any deep, burning questions for me, ask now or forever hold your peace.
In the meantime, I’m gonna go grab another espresso. With some vodka in it.
- Happy Blogging, Rock Stars \m/
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- Failing at Fotoshop (righttobitch.com)
- Hypothetically speaking… (davesmythjr.wordpress.com)
Oh, the small talk post, I think that was the first one of yours that I read! I’m a little disappointed to find out you don’t hate it. That’s some Wizard of Oz-type level of disappointment right there. Voting for Bush… I hope the backstory to that is both times you voted, you were being held at gunpoint. I’ll let it go though, if only because of my bias. Here in chi-town, what’s a Republican?
Katie, a Republican is someone who argues with a Democrat. I’ve never met anyone that voted for him. It’s weird?!
If you voted for anyone but Albus Dumbledore, you did something wrong.
Hahaha! Who the hell is that??
…Who is Albus Dumbledore? Holy fuck, Adam. Name your new blog, “My Right to Rock and Live Under a Rock.”
What is he your fucking boyfriend or something? Sounds like a Fragile Rock character, or a muppet. I vote for front runners. Lets be real..
He is, as a matter of fact. I only date men old enough to have beard ponytails.
This actually just gave me an idea for something to write about!
I hate Whoppers, they are even worse that pixie sticks..if you ask me which you didn’t. Why can’t women walk around without shirts on? Guys have boobs so wtf? Riddle me this one…
Wait a hot second…you don’t like pixie sticks??
No..uh oh, am I in trouble?
Um, all the best people don’t. It’s powder. Such a weird consistency.
@merbear: Pixie Sticks are the base ingredient in every candy ever manufactured!
@Katie: No, you are wrong. You’re on my short list today, young lady!
How can you be so right in your hating of Whoppers and so wrong in your voting for Bush twice? You are an enigma.
I like Bush? Why does everybody always wanna diss the Bush?
“That’s what HE said!”
Weebles, extra credit for you today.
Today I learned I am the only person to ever like Whoppers. What’s wrong with y’all?
Becca, don’t eat them. They are poison!
You don’t like Whoppers either?? This shatters my worldview. I’m going to have to talk to Hugo about this.
Weebles, extra credit revoked.
Noooooooooooooo!
…which is funny, cos you meant David Blaine, right? (do you hate me already?)
Also, Prince is a God. My love for him will never be measured, or change, or whatever.
I also love TMI Guys. Well hello there… so what, patio, beers? Good company provided.
I reserve the right not to comment on Bush as I am not American. So I won’t. I could, but I won’t.
Finally, nothing like a vodka espresso. Can I have that instead of the beer on the patio?
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wTqsV3q7rRU. No the other guy har har.
You can drink whatever you’d like on the patio unless its toxic Kool-Aid. That could become a potential problem.
Only if you’ve previously been charged with grievous bodily harm. Which may not be as funny as I originally imagined.
Did you watch the David Blain”e” parody??
Is this a provisional title, a working title, or the new and improved title? Is this a hypothetical question? Thanks you for putting all those myths to rest. I would have stayed up all night worrying about them. I’m so glad I can now rest easy.
This is just a temp. I’m just goofing around.
P.S. I’m picking up on your sarcasm you know. You can’t slide anything by me!
Thanks for clearing all of that up. And, sadly, I voted for Bush too. But don’t tell anybody…. wait, Crap! Forget I said that… um, everyone…..
Ned, you’re safe here. It’s remarkable how he got elected twice yet nobody voted for him. There are fibers amongst us!
Thanks for fessing-up, Adam. I feel better too. And you’re a brave man for the confession, re: Fact #3. Not saying anything else other than TWICE? REALLY?
Cathy, you are welcome. As for Bush, I thought it would be unwise to swap the Commander in Chief in the middle of a war/conflict.
Great post, Adam!
Personally, I love Whoppers, but don’t hold that against me, all right?
Oh thank god I am not alone. Hook, this is why we are tight.
It also explains why my pants are getting tighter, Becca.
From the Whoppers, I mean, not you! Not that you’re not attractive, you certainly are…
I’m going to stop typing now,,,
Whoppers rule!
Shut your malt right now. I mean mouth. Shut your mouth right now
. No one likes see-food.
The wife always does that to me! She’ll say “Do you like see food?” She’ll take a bite, and then she’ll open her mouth!
Girls are weird….
But we are also needed for the continuation of mankind… so there is that.
Touché.
I love Whoppers too! It’s candy, what’s not to like?
True!
You guys were all born with a taste bud deficiency I think. Gross!
Hon, it ain’t tough to make a short films these days–the equipment is super cheap–ya just gotta wanna do it.
I do make short films?
None of this really surprised me and I’m really glad you fessed up about Fact #5 since I had a feeling you were into stuff like that in addition to blogging. I have a good sixth sense about things like that. Fact #3 though……. sigh. I can understand the first time but the second?? *eyebrow raise*
What does my shirt say, Lillian? Lets test your sixth sense out.
It doesn’t apply to such mundane matters as to what your shirt says. Nice try.
Fotoshops turned out nicely. I have that shirt Prince is wearing. It’s actually on sideways. Don’t let that blow your mind though.
I’m liking where you are going with this! Oh, and short films? More like YouTube series….
Thank ya, darlin! And I actually believe you. My mind is in fact blown!
…it’s goin’ good places. I’m going along with it…
I like Too Much Information Guys. They’re fun
But why, WHY don’t you like Whoppers?
Ermagerd, you know what? Whoppers are made out of sidewalk chalk. I think they taste like shit! I can’t find anything even slightly appealing about them? Except, maybe, they would make good slingshot ammo!
Here’s all you need to know about “the classics” – Russian literature: depressing, slit your wrists kind of shite, Canadian literature: man vs. nature…man either loses or triumphs, usually loses… Jane Austen: sensible girl wins true love, every time! Dickens: too many freakin’ words, over describes Everything! Shakespeare: comedy or tragedy, but not funny “ha-ha” comedy. Need I say more? Oh – Moby Dick is not about a guy named Moby with a giant dick! Now you’re up to date!
Jenn, you about summed it up! Man, you bring your potty mouth here!! That’s so funny. Have you ever read any Rudyard Kipling?
What can I say? I’m old and cranky!
I’ve read the Jungle Book – and not the Disney version! 
Are you getting any closer to a new title? Dying of curiosity. I’m sticking with My Right to Evolve, but TMI Guy is funny too. Love TMI, in the right hands. So to speak. The wrong TMI is just wrong… and I only buy the jumbo, Costco combo bag of Reeses, Almond Joy, Kit Kat, Snickers for Halloween… just in case we get more than the usual 6 treaters. The rest, is for mama.
Mama knows best! I’m stopping by your place next year!
As far as the title, I think I got it. There are a lot of them now. There were so many good suggestions, and thank you for yours! I’ll probably post it later in the week, next week that is.
If you show up at my door, there will be dinner and candy darlin’! Bring Becca.
I’ll be over for some of that vodka so don’t fucking drink it all.
BLC comes out in the comments too?
Oh, no. That was all me.
What do you think I’ve been doing all day, man?
Dammit, Adam!
You hate Whoppers?!?! I don’t know if I can be friends with someone who doesn’t like them. And I’m proud to say that as a kid, my palate was sophisticated enough to enjoy Mounds, Almond Joy AND Raisinets. As for Anonymous, I wish I could be one of those guys. Alas, I have no hacking skills. Just the indignant rage.
Whoppers are poo balls, Weebs. Garbaggio. I’m sorry, can we still be friends? Shit, now I’m gonna have that “why can’t we be friends” song stuck in my head…
We have more in common than not.
Erm… Mounds? Whoppers? Raisinettes? Lost me on all three there, Adam, so I’ll have to take your word for it… them.
So, have you changed the name of your blog then? I’ve tried really hard to come up with a name for you, and the best I could come up with, based on your blurb, was Adamic Rants. I’m not very good with titles, however, so please move on to the next suggestion…
Tom A+ for your contribution. This is just an interim title for now. I thought I’d have some fun with it while I can. I understand your unwillingness to embrace those candies. Like I said, at one point they all sucked. Ask any kid and they’ll probably agree!
I’m diggin’ the new-ish blog name, Adam. Quite clever. And what a very interesting, creative post this was. I’m not all that surprised to learn that you’re a more serious writer too. I hope you’ll do more of that on the new, revamped blog. And yes, the classic style of writing can take some getting used to, but if you ever decide to buckle down and read something in its entirety, I’d recommend Dante’s Divine Comedy. My favourite.
Gotta tell you though, that gratuitous Catholic jab? Kinda made me wrinkle my nose a little bit. Perhaps I just haven’t read enough of your posts, but that wasn’t something I really expected to see you do.
By the way, that caption on the Prince pic? Perfect.
Thank you, Wendy. It’s something different, you know? The new stuff will be a little more broad. I like to write about all kinds of stuff, not just comedy, if you wanna call it that. And thank you, I’m always open for suggestions. But, remember my four chapter rule!
Don’t worry about the dig. It’s nothing personal! All in good fun!
Adam,
Whoppers are good. Kit Kat’s are the best.
I’ve done the math and it seems that you were just barely old enough to vote when Bush first ran. So I will chalk that up to your inexperienced young mind. You no doubt got caught up with the wrong crowd and wore a red tie and blue sport-coat to school every day. The second time around you didn’t really want to think about politics anymore so you just repeated yourself so as not to appear confused. I get it.
As for the rest of it, there will always be a chair for you on my patio, next to the cooler.
Red
Red,
I’m as blue collar as they get! I just turned 18 at the time, actually. The 12th to be exact! I’ll drop by this summer broski…we’ll have a brewski! Or four!
I voted for W twice too! I’d have voted for him again if it meant we could avoid the current occupant of the Oval Office. I always kind of thought of you as Prince like.
Maggie, thank you for backing me up. Finally, someone that isn’t afraid to tell the truth! (I agree with you…shhh) (not the Prince thing, the other thing)
I love Whoppers, but Junior Mints rule. Bush…no comment. I agree with you about screenplays though. It is terribly hard to sell anything, not that I’ve tried. I’ve learned that the big business is rewriting everyone’s crap! That doesn’t sound like much fun to me. I’m digging the new Prince theme. Will you go back to “Right to Bitch” the way he went back to “Prince”?
Every time I hear *Junior Mints I think of Seinfeld. And yes, I totally agree. Screenwriting is a crapshoot. All these pop-stories fit the same mold, they have to be pitched a certain way, impossible to talk to anyone…Maybe that’s why so many movies and TV shows suck? Not that there isn’t anything good out, but you know…
Hmmm….we’ll see about reverting back. I think the next progression would be a symbol, which of course old be “\m/”. Hahaha!
I am loving this transparent Adam who still retains his sense of humor and likes Raisenettes. I LOVE them! Here’s my question…Do you like Raisinettes with Popcorn? I can’t watch a movie without that heavenly combo!
Popcorn and snow caps! That is a wicked wicked combo!
Here’s my question: When are we getting together for beers and lots of small talk on a patio somewhere??
Time and Place, yo!
Right now it is still really freakin’ cold here, so it will need to wait for summer if we’re sitting on a patio! lol
Same here. This weather sucks Popsicles…
OK, let’s just get one thing straight right away – Maltesers or malted milk balls are THE BEST candy in the world, followed closely by Crunchie (sponge toffee coated in thick chocolate). Almond Joy & Mounds suck, I agree, but I will NOT recant on malted milk balls.
I love me some toffee, but I’m sorry, Whoppers are poo!
We’ll just have to disagree about Whoppers.
I agree!
I hope you didn’t mean you voted for Bush in the last two elections because you may have wasted your vote.
Also, Raisinettes are delightful. I loved those as a kid.
I actually did. He didn’t win though, that Obama guy did. Remember the old catch some Raisinettes commercials??
I nominated you for a couple awards, I hope you can find the time to pass them on. http://benzeknees.wordpress.com/2013/03/06/they-got-me-again/
I see I missed a great party here. I’m late to everything these days. So, I guess it’s safe to say nobody will see my confession: I voted for G.W. twice, too. I used to love malted milk balls until I grew up and realized they were wrapped in waxy chocolate. M&Ms are my go-to muse these days. You write screenplays! I would love to have small talk with you about that some summer day. When I am done writing these Susan Hunter books, I want to write the screenplay for the first one. Now I’m off to read your latest post!
Excellent blog! Do you have any helpful hints for aspiring writers?
I’m planning to start my own website soon but I’m a little lost on everything.
Would you advise starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for
a paid option? There are so many options out there that I’m totally overwhelmed .. Any suggestions? Bless you!