I’m a skeptic when it comes to pretty much everything. I also realize that the previous statement is about as obvious as a forehead zit in a senior yearbook photo. But for some reason, whenever a strange gypsy lady lays out a deck of creepy-looking playing cards and tells me I’m gonna be wealthy, get married to Jessica Biel in Santa Cruz, and have three kids and a Pontoon Boat, my ears perk up.
Sadly, there are too many naive people like me in this world, cart-wheeling around with their thumbs up their butts, more than willing to waltz in and bend over for anybody that has a business card with the word Psychic on it. Which begs the question:
Is your Psychic really telling the truth?
But because of the dramatic influx of amateur fortune-teller talent over the past few decades, it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to identify authentics like Sylvia Browne, Ms. Cleo, and Madamme Weebles from the average con.
Before you eagerly toss a loaf of cashola into the lap of a potential fraud, be aware that there are foes lurking in your Psychic Friends Network. Consider the following tips to avoid getting scammed the next time you pop in for a glimpse of the what’s-to-come.
Never trust a Medium that:
- Furnishes the reading room with white retro leather furniture and a Jim Morrison poster.
- Is wearing an “inside psychic-joke” t-shirt that says, “I knew you were gonna say that”.
- Begins a session with a pop-voodoo ritual asking the candidate to make a wish, followed by waving his/her hard-earned cash over the deck like a magician’s wand and repeating a mantra like, “highsy lowsy here we goesy”.
- Offers any up sells under their Psychic Goods and Services Umbrella. ie. mystical shampoos and body products, polished rocks, holistic witch serums, or spousal surveillance.
- Wears a green plastic poker visor.
- Claims to be picking up messages from the abyss from a non-human source, like a deceased pet cat.
- Speaks artificially broken-English.
- Asks questions that they should already know the answers to. ie. You have a woman in your life, no?
- Offers a coupon package like, “buy 2 readings, get 1 free”.
- Drives a Volkswagon bus.
Of course, this list doesn’t guarantee you’ll weed out every dingleberry clairvoyant on the market – that’s your responsibility. Use your own intuition when shopping for a reliable fate-sayer. The last thing you want is to find yourself prematurely setting your work desk on fire with a bucket of kerosene after learning of a non-existent trust fund inheritance.
But if it turns out that you are in fact a beneficiary, toss me a bone, will ya? *wink
- Keep your friends close, but keep your Psychic Friends even closer, Chowderheads \m/