At first, I respectfully declined his offer.
I’ve never seen the movies, and I was pretty adamant about remaining a Star Wars virgin [no pun intended]. But in the name of trying out new things, I decided to sit down and finally give it a chance.
CH: What the fuck is this?
TD: It’s a Star Wars Test that I wrote.
CH: Are you serious?
TD: Of course! How else am I gonna know whether or not you actually watched ‘em?
CH: I’m not taking a Star Wars test.
TD: When you finish it, gimme a ring and I’ll swing by in the Star Cruiser and slap a grade on it.
CH: You mean your Honda Civic?
TD: Same difference.
The first mistake I made was deciding to sit down and watch the movies after ingesting 45 grams of tryptophan. Needless to say I didn’t get very far. I think I lasted about forty five minutes into the first movie before my turkey dinner pimp-slapped the hat off my head.
So, I had to fudge a few answers on the stupid test he gave me. It was an honest attempt.
What is the name of the first episode?
Who blew up the first death star?
Those Furby things – the short ones with the bow and arrows.
Who is the chosen one?
Who is Anakin’s father?
The guy with the flash light sword and the belt around his dress. Lou Piebaker?
How old is Yoda?
I’m not sure, but he’s senile and slightly dyslexic.
Who is used as a template to create the clone army?
*Please rephrase this question.
How does the Emperor lure Vader to the dark side?
I’m pretty sure it was a hand job.
Name one good thing about Jar Jar Binks
This character doesn’t ring a bell, but I’ll tell you one bad thing: his parents are pretty fucking lazy name-givers, because his middle name is the same as his first name.
How does Palpatine‘s dentist still have a job?
I think the answer to this one is also a hand job.
Who wins the battle between Anakin and Vader?
Who shoots first, Han or Greedo?
Speaking of hand jobs…
Greedo sounds greedy, so he was probably the first shooter.
Are Boba and Jango related?
I believe they were dance partners, so yes.
How long do Luke and Leia date?
You know, Leia strikes me as a bit of a snob. And if I were Piebaker, I would have dumped her off at the first bus terminal on Mars after about 15 minutes.
To what is Yoda responding when he says, “Judge me by my size, do you?”
It was the part where him and Harrison Ford were comparing their penises in the star ship break room.
I called Twindaddy the following evening and he stopped over in the Civic. I refuse to refer to it as the “Star Cruiser”.
TD: Well, how’d you do?
CH: Pretty good I think.
TD: How’d you like the movies?
CH: The first one was ok.
TD: I told you they were awesome!
CH: Well, the font actually. I thought the font was pretty cool. And the Tobacka guy I liked too.
CH: Yeah, the hairy dude.
TD: I’m not expecting a passing grade here…
CH: Definitely flunked it.
Maybe some of you Star Wars nuts can do a little better on this test than I did. I honestly cannot answer these questions without doing a Google search. I’ll bet five Monopoly bucks that you can’t stump the Master of the Jedi Universe over here. Drop Twindaddy a trivia question in the comment section if you’re up to the challenge. You’ll probably lose.
Gotta run. Space Balls is on right now.
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May the Farts Be With You, Chowderheads \m/
- 10 Things You Didn’t Know About the Star Wars Universe (thechowderhead.com)
- BLOWS IT, YODA DOES: I Watched The Star Wars Movies For The First Time In 10 Years And Here’s What I Learned (DIS) (businessinsider.com)
- Medicom Toy x BAPE x Milo x Star Wars (retrenders.com)