Hunting for YouTube Trolls


Hi there!  Glad you could make it this morning.  Come in, have a seat.  The back is full, so fill in where you can.  Spit out your gum please.  Sharpen your pencils over here.  Apples and six packs for the instructor go in the basket –

Welcome to the first performance of 2014 on Chowderhead!   \m/

YouTube Troll BannerI can’t think of a better way to kick off the New Year than with a stunt that will probably go down as one of the funniest real life antics ever performed here.

Let me explain, eager pupils.

I am a YouTube connoisseur.  It’s true.  I surf it often, and find it easy to get lost in this brilliant, bottomless salad bowl of angry ginger kids, skateboarder face plants, Numa Numa dudes, and people excavating baseball-sized cysts.

However, there is a flea that has been let into the pelt which is robbing the joy from my surfing experience:

Trolls.

Urban Dictionary Definition

I swear I didn’t fotoshop that mug into this picture. But you can still buy one if you’d like. Please.

These pukes are the scum of the internet.  They’re bullies with nothing better to do with their free time, and they taint the entire web-surfing experience with their pissy commentaries directed at poor, innocent web-traffickers like you and I.

This madness must stop.

Dude, relax.  I got this.

Dude, relax. I got this.

Now, for those who know me well enough, I don’t just go around slugging people through the monitor for no good reason.  You have to give me a reason.  Trolls are a good reason.  And I eat these little pimple-pickers for breakfast.

If you’re wondering what a troll tastes like, it’s something like shitty bran-fortified oatmeal with flax seed and dog spit on it, topped off with spoiled chicken and garlic-flavored body odor.  And Big Red chewing gum.

Today is your lucky day you turds.  I’m hunting you down, and when I find you, I’m gonna metaphorically stuff you with dirty socks, and mount you on my wall with a marshmallow smeared into your braces.

Meet here next Tuesday for what I hope will be a very entertaining update.

- Class dismissed, Chowderheads \m/

Troll Hunter Plaque

Every Troll hunt starts with a good cigar. And nothing starts before the collar gets un-popped. It was a first. I’m sorry.

56 comments

    • Chowderhead

      Unfortunately, no. There’s no easy solution to this epidemic. I got a big, sloppy bowl of Chowder simmering on the stove right now, and I’m gonna be cramming it into mouths with a wooden spoon.

  1. NotAPunkRocker

    OK, I am singing “Fight the Trollers” over and over to the tune of “Fight the Power” by Public Enemy. Maybe that needs to be worked into a blogger anthem of some sort.

    Rock (and possibly rap) on! \m/

  2. Twindaddy

    Good luck, man. I don’t even look at YouTube comments because they are normally teaming with douchebaggery. I just watch my video and depart. Looking forward to your results, though.

  3. blatherbubbleblog

    The Art of Vaginal Knitting; I shamelessly reblogged from you. You’re too awesome to not share! I should purchase I Chowderhead mug now that they are 15% off? Maybe if I wait longer, I can score 1 for 50% off? Onward, Mighty Troll Hunter!

  4. Delilah

    Haha! I love this. I did something along the same lines once to some punk trolling our company FaceBook page. He kept being a jerk and started prank calling our office. I tracked the douchebag down and called his school. I was hoping for a relative’s info on FaceBook, but I couldn’t pass up a chance to get this kid at school. Haven’t heard from him since!

    • Chowderhead

      Oh man, you screw with my business and it’s game on. That’s totally uncalled for. Although, and keep this on the *DL*, but I used to crank call party stores all the time with that Arnold Shwartzenegger soundboard. It was awesome!

      Party Store: “A&B how can I help?”
      Arnold: “Good Morning!”
      Party Store: “Hi, what can I do for you buddy?”
      Arnold: “I’m Detective John Kimble!”
      Party Store: “Who?”
      Arnold: “I’m a COP you IDIOT!”

      A riot. \m/

    • Chowderhead

      Well, I’ll take that as a complement. Unless you mean that I’m not a pretty face anymore? Nah!

      Thank you for your support. I’m fighting the good fight, so I’ll need all the backing I can get. \m/

  5. stephrogers

    Oooh I’m so with you on this. I watch a lot of youtube. I hardly watch actual tv any more. I hate trolls. Good luck, may the force be with you and the odds ever in your favour, or something.

    • Chowderhead

      Stand back, Steph. You could get hurt if you’re standing too close to the shrapnel, and they don’t have YouTube at the Hospital. And I also don’t have insurance on this blog thing, so..

      \m/

    • Chowderhead

      Amy, ew, no on the flax seed. Seeds are for birds and people who have trouble pooping regularly. And yes, I love YouTube. I get lost in it. One video leads to another, leads to another, leads to another…

      …and then I’m in that “weird part” of YouTube again. That’s when I leave.

      P.S. What’s the word on the Banner? Hit me up!

      • calahan

        Flax seeds are good, dammit! I used to mix them in with ice cream just for the crunch. You know who won’t eat flax seeds and who thinks that seeds are only for birds? Trolls. Yup, it’s the most important criteria for all trolls. Are you a troll, Adam? Huh? Are ya?

      • The Bumble Files

        I thought you’d like the “weird part” the best, Adam! Ha ha.

        I’ve had an incredibly tough intro to the new year with my dad in the hospital. Oh, a rocky start! I will be in touch, I promise.

      • Chowderhead

        It’s true, this Troll has a very particular diet. I only eat leather shoes, ABC gum, and black frame glasses. Don’t leave
        ‘em layin around. Just a fair warning!

  6. Pingback: Troll Hunting Update and a Few Disgusting Words | Chowderhead

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