Cigarette Tourette’s


I am a smoker.  And, if there were enough hours in the day I’d probably smoke a carton.  I’d smoke four at a time – lighting fresh ones with butts – blowing smoke rings out of my nose.  I’d blow it in the faces of innocent bystanders where am I going with this? Ok, I don’t like smoking that much.  But I still like the shit out of it.

Hey lookie there you're doing it right.

Hey lookie there you’re doing it right.

Despite how much I like smoking, it was probably the stupidest thing I ever did. 

I quit one time, and the first week was on par with heroine or methadone withdrawal. I bit one of my fingers off.  There were shredded napkins everywhere.  My eyeball fell out.  I might have thrown up blood at some point.  But other than that, things went pretty well.

You don’t really realize how engrained it is in your routine until you stop doing it, and after that, you get the crabby panty syndrome, or what I call, ‘Cigarettes Tourette’s’.  

It goes something like this:

*pacing*

CH:  I don’t know what to do with my FUCK hand I need to smoke something SHIT and this straw is not working LLAMA not DICK working at all and this gum FUCK sucks and it tastes like rubber and SHIT chalk I can’t see straight and the lights are FUCK dimming.

And that’s why I quit the first time. Because somebody said to me somewhere once that this is a healthier alternative to smoking.  I felt fine before I quit, and then that.  Peer pressure.  Again.  

That’s without a doubt the worst part about being a smoker – having to listen to some obese man with a cholesterol problem lecture me on the reasons why I should quit smoking while he is chewing on a rib bone.  Duly noted, sir.  And now please wipe the sodium-rich barbecue sauce off your face because it’s making me look at it. 

This STRAW.  SUCKS.

This STRAW. SUCKS.

But all these ads with smoking fetuses, and some girl with cigarette butts on her tongue, and voice box guy – it’s all too much.  SHUT UP I’m trying to concentrate on smoking.  I get it.  We all get it.  I’m waving the white flag indicating that you’re right.  You win.  Smoking is bad. 

So here I am now, staring at a box of Chantix and wondering what the shelf life is on this drug is.  It’s an ugly box.  A stupid box.  I’m not sure when I’m going to eat them.  I not sure I want to eat them.  If I eat them it’s going to be like that scene in Titanic at the end when Jack is sinking to the bottom of the Atlantic:

Cigarettes, come back.  

Come back, pack.

Pack, come FUCK back…

**Bonus Contest Alert **Bonus Contest Alert**Bonus Contest Alert**

If you guess correctly what kind of cigarettes I smoke, I’ll make you a free banner or some badges for your Facebook/Twitter pages.  But one guess only, cheaters!

And don’t stop smoking, because quitting is bad for you.

\m/

66 comments

  1. NotAPunkRocker

    All my sisters-in-law smoked during their pregnancies because it was going to be more traumatic for their bodies for them to quit than “cut back”. Yeah, seriously. They went from Marlboros to Virginia Slims.

    That’s it, isn’t it? Virginia Slims? Menthol? Yay, I win!

  2. Lili

    I can’t take health advice from unhealthy people either. So your part about the obese man chewing on a rib, telling you to quit smoking because it’s SO UNHEALTHY, is spot on.

  3. E.

    My husband used to smoke Marlboro Reds (is that it?), but he quit before I met him (which is good for me, because the smell makes me dizzy). When he deploys he’s going to pick up a carton of e-cigs that don’t have nicotine, because for him it was the habit that he liked more than the actual drug.

    But is it Reds?

  4. Eva

    I know I only had one guess but now I want to keep guessing for the hell of it. American Spirits? Clove cigarettes?

    • Chowderhead

      I will need lots of it. I really don’t even want to quit, but, you know. Lungs. I tried those e cigs before and they are weird. It’s like smoking one of those door hinge pins. It’s just not the same…

      …and no! But I do like P-funks. Cool filters.

  5. Pepper Culpepper

    Well fuck me running backwards up a tree. I didn’t know cigarettes were bad. I thought all those voice box people were telling me to go outside an light a cigarette so I could be on TV.

    But seriously, I quit 2 days ago and I can share my secret with you about how I haven’t killed anyone yet. Kratom. Get some. Now. You’ll be a happy fucking camper.

  6. The Philosophunculist

    I’m pegging you as a Pall Mall guy. I’ve come to realize that just about anything other than walking and eating vegetables is bad for you in some way, and that includes giving snobbish, obvious advice to people who didn’t ask for it. I too once loved cigarettes, and hated people who assumed I didn’t know that inhaling toxic smoke into my lungs was bad for me.

  7. Ripley Trout

    Good luck with it. We’re all different but what works for me is thinking that I haven’t quit. I tell myself that I can have one if I want (and I can) and that removes the pressure being brought by the thought that I can never relieve the feeling of wanting one. Besides which I don’t respond well to being told I can never do something so I have to feel that I have the power to do it if I want. And so what if you have a blow-out or two at a party? If someone goes from 40-a-day to forty-a-year then that’s still good, right? Cake every day is probably not good for you but that doesn’t mean you can’t have it on your birthday. Everyone acts as if they can’t have one cigarette without having to go back to chain-smoking but I’ve had twelve cigarettes in the past five years and thoroughly enjoyed them. After three days the physical craving is gone and the rest is just you fucking with yourself in your own mind so, in the nicest possible sense, ‘go fuck yourself’ (i.e. take control of your own mind). I don’t mean to sound like a smug git but when i was giving up i heard nothing but people talking about how hard it is and how they did for a while but then cracked one night and went back on them again and blah blah blah. You know what, there’s loads of people who have given up and they’re just ordinary people too so ignore the hype (it’s worse than heroin etc) and just do it too, and if you crack and have some smokes some time then don’t use that as an excuse to go back to how it was just enjoy that ‘vacation’ and go back to your new ordinary life that isn’t smoking. Your health and concentration will love you for it after a few weeks. Again, good luck.

    • Chowderhead

      Thanks for the tips! One of my friends did that too – saying that he was just gonna not smoke. Hey, if it works! I cheated a couple times when I quit the last time and all it did was make me feel like shit. Pretty stupid going back to it. I love doing it though. That’s gonna be the hard part no doubt.

  8. LizzieCracked

    Marlboro menthols.
    Haha love when people who have no business preaching do.. Such a wealth of opportunity to tell them to fuck off. I need an excuse because its rude to do that but condescending ill placed wrong self righteousness and all bets are off. Sometimes I taunt people like that just to let off some steam without feeling guilty for being rude. Not that I care much what they think but manners are important.
    Kratom. Yes it helps. I actually am at the point I want to quit. I just don’t cause everyone is telling me too. Its an issue. I’m working on it. I laughed through this entire post.

    • Chowderhead

      Nope!

      Glad you had a laugh at the expense of my addiction haha. Sounds like we’re in the same boat. My thing is that when someone tells me to quit, I smoke more. It’s a distraction sometimes. And of course, when somebody’s lecturing about it I need a distraction. It’s not like me or anybody else does it because it’s healthy..

      • LizzieCracked

        True. And I’d have quit a long time ago if someone wasn’t always stating the obvious. Cause I’m kinda a rebel like that..without a clue. One time I was done ..on my own steam. Last puff of last CIG and glad of it and some jackass walked by . wearing a speedo or something equally offensive I’m not sure and said ya know those things will kill you you should quit. I had to light up another right there.. Oh yea? In your face! I showed him huh? ;-) I’m more addicted to the habit ..I am now able to go days ..like 3.45 days without one before I break down ..progress I guess but the action is more soothing and the ecigs just don’t do it. Unless you take them inside like a movie theater or something.. And dare someone to say something ;-)

  9. singlegirlie

    Benson & Hedges Ultra Deluxe Menthol Lights. That’s what I used to smoke when I was in college. Do they still make those? It was a mouthful ordering them. I also smoked Jakarta or Djarums in high school because I liked the taste of cloves it left on my lips. But I don’t peg you for a clove guy.

    Adam, I don’t want to see you in 10 years doing commercials smoking cancer sticks through a hole in your throat, mmkay?

  10. anitadesignstudio

    I know! I know! But, being a considerate and giving lass, I shall step to one side and allow someone else the honour and privilege of having your arty shit all over their digital imprint :)

      • anitadesignstudio

        *Squints and looks for arty shit*…Where?? You didn’t leave any arty shit!! Disappointed, dude. Disappointed!

  11. cynkingfeeling

    When and where are you revealing the answer? When I was in the store buying cartons for my husband over the weekend, I stared at the shelves wondering which brand you smoke. Made me feel kinda creepy. I’m like Eva: I really want to know the answer and I don’t know why.

  12. Nicole Marie

    I used to smoke Marlboro Lights. Joe smoked Camels. We both quit about 2 and a half years ago! The good thing about working in an airport (and being a smoker) is that cigarette breaks are like a 20 minute event, between finding that slow time to go, getting outside, the getting back through security. So since I was going 8-10 hours with no cigs, I gave it a shot, and luckily it stuck!

    Do you smoke Lucky Strikes?! Lol

    • Chowderhead

      That’s awesome, congrats on quitting. Smoking at the airport is a fucking pain in the ass. Last time I did that I forgot my boarding pass and my phone. Don’t ever do that by the way. I smoke Winston Ultra Lights. Do they still even sell Lucky Strikes?

      • Nicole Marie

        I have no idea, but I always remember my grandfather smoking them. Remember the box of candy cigarettes that looked like the Lucky Strikes box? Bahaha. And thank you! The only time I crave one now is when I drink (of course). And duuuRRRRrrrrr way to forget your phone AND boarding pass! ;)

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