Category: Awards
Grab a Tissue Because it’s Time for The First Inaugural Roast.
A few weeks ago I was experiencing a blog identity crisis and announced that I would be undergoing a sex change. I mean a name change. Since then, amid all of your incredibly cool suggestions, and all of the dumbass names that I came up with myself, I still haven’t decided on one.
My indecisiveness leads me to believe one of two things: 1.) I’m not incorporating enough essential fatty oils into my diet, or 2.) I’m pregnant.
“You’re about to get served.”
All that aside, I made a promise that I intend to keep and I’m gonna make good on it today. But I’m changing the rules up a bit; instead of blabbing on and on about one person, one winner, I’m about to throw a bunch of thick-skinned blogger buddies of mine onto the barbecue.
Congratulations. You’re all winners of the Name Adam’s Dumb Blog Contest!
Here’s how the whole thing’s gonna play out: I rip you to pieces, you cry for a few minutes, then you send me an anonymous death threat or a horse head, then we hug and makeup, and then you drop me a PayPal contribution for publicizing your blog! I just threw that last part in there. It’s not mandatory.
The Premise of the Roast:
I have a couple of really sharp computer geek friends that figured out a way to reverse the search term feed. I know who used what search terms to find my blog, and today I’m gonna let the dirty little kitty out of the bag. I’ll also try my best to address your long-forgotten queries. Of course I’m making all this shit up right now, but just play along.
So sit back, relax, crack a beer, throw some ABBA on the stereo, and soak up the sweet insults of the First Inaugural Roast.
Forgive me in advance.
Blogger: Merbear. Blog Title: Knocked Over by a Feather.
Search Terms: “Can you get bumps around your genitals from running?”
It sounds like someone has been bumpin’ plugs with some dirty strange if you know what I’m sayin’. I don’t think those bumps are from your highly unfashionable, nylon runner shorts; you may well have caught your first raging case of gonorrhea. Well, you could easily be a repeat recipient of the crotch-critters, but who am I to judge? Merbear, head to your nearest clinic. Stat. And stay away from public restrooms in the meantime.
Blogger: Lady Anonymous: Blog Title: Alien Red Queen
Search Terms: “My boa constrictor makes a farting sound out of her mouth.”
You know, you always struck me as one of those chicks that shows up to some really elaborate wedding sporting shredded fishnets, combat boots, miscellaneous spiked-jewelry, and fucking purple hair. Queen of the damned. I can picture you all gothed-out, holding a one-sided debate with Ed the bartender about the current political climate in Sudan. Ed’s not listening. He’s staring at your eyeliner. And your hooters. Oh, and by the way, who buys a boa constrictor?
Blogger: Jules Blog Title: McCrabass
Search Terms: “Job interview porn.”
Which part is the fantasy here: the steamy sex scene with your interviewer, or actually finding an interview? I just consulted with my magic eight ball to determine the likelihood of either and here’s what it said: Fat Chance.
Blogger: Becca Blog Title: 25 to Fly
Search Terms: “My masterpiece liquor dispenser is broken how do you fix?”
I think the hair dye is starting to leach into your grey matter, darling. Anyone that can’t tell the difference between a hammer and a band saw should either call a handyman or toss it in the garbage. If you don’t heed my advice, you might not have any fingers left for me to put a ring onto.
Blogger: Jen Blog Title: Sips of Jen and Tonic
Search Terms: Does Paul Reiser smoke?
Oh god, first Hasselhoff and now this tool? So Jen, if he did smoke, would that tarnish his otherwise flawless character? His whiny voice, corny hairdo, and the fact that he was kind of married to Helen Hunt doesn’t factor in? If he does smoke that would be the only cool thing about him (Don’t listen to me, kids. And stay in school). He strikes me as a Virginia Slims kinda guy anyways, which totally kills all that. You’re too uptight, Jen. Drink a fucking beer.
Blogger: Cathy Ulrich Blog Title: Large Self
Search terms: “Steven Segal Spine Punch.”
When Cathy’s not busy taking pictures of flowers and writing inspirational poetry, she’s reading up on how to perform violent Judo take-downs. I’m making a point to tread lightly here. If I say something stupid and we happen to cross paths in the future, chances are likely that I could end up in the back of a meat wagon with a dislocated head, courtesy of Dr. Ulrich. You look very lovely today, Cathy. Lovely indeed.
Blogger: Amy Blog Title: The Bumble Files
Search Terms: “Didn’t fart in front of husband for 30 years.”
That’s a dump truck full of bullshit. You’re probably not aware of this, but we have a mutual friend, Amy. I know for a fact that you’ve been quarantined on drinking holiday weekends on more than one occasion. I also know about your lighter trick performance back in college. Video Proof: click here.
Blogger: Calahan Blog Title: B.L.O.G.
Search Terms: “One seated band wagon.”
Mike, your hair is definitely riding a one-seated band wagon. Ditch the mousse. Helmet hair hasn’t been in style since the 50’s. Neither has your blog. It’s gotta be difficult finding a jug of Drain-o in your homentown with you living in it. I can’t even imagine how many gallons a week it requires to keep your shower water from backing up because of all the fucking hair product you stuff into your plumbing. B.L.O.G: (B)uys (L)ots (O)f (G)el
Blogger: Madame Weebles Blog Title: Fear No Weebles
Search Terms: “Offended you are Yoda.”
Star Wars Nerds…
Don’t worry, Weebles, Yoda not I am. Or something like that. If it wasn’t for all of the nauseating publicity that you fan geeks get at these conventions with your themed weddings and Vader-humping get-ups, I wouldn’t even know what the hell a Yoda was…
Blogger: Edward Hotspur Blog Title: Edward Hotspur Search Terms: “I’m feeling verklempt.”
Oh stop crying, Eddie. This Romantic Monday stuff is elevating your estrogen levels. That makes me weepy. Listen, Ed, if you don’t start focusing more on testosterone-boosting activities like beer curling, hammer throwing, and chain saw woodcarving, you might start growing breasts soon. So bottoms up. Now go buy a chainsaw and start practicing. Start with something simple: a carving of Mt. Rushmore.
Blogger: Lillian Blog Title: High, High, Higher!
Search Terms: “there are already so many good blogs”
Keep practicing, Lillian. One day you’ll be this good. No I’m just kidding. That’ll never happen. Freshly Pressed twice you say? The WordPress editors were clearly drunk. Both days.
Blogger: “Yo.” Blog Title: Tales from the Motherland
Search Terms: “Blog straight from the gut bitches”
I know I wasn’t supposed to do this, and I won’t. However, I will say that your infatuation with the Adam and Becca show is now bordering on Glen Close in the movie, Fatal Attraction. Just a heads up, I’m filing a restraining order against you next Wednesday. Lawyer up, you nut.
Blogger: Pixie girl Blog Title: Exploring Pixie
Search Terms: ”Outdated Halloween Outfits.”
I see you took some time out of your grueling piano practice schedule, which probably consists of Chopsticks and the first five notes of the Sesame Street Theme Song, in order to update your wardrobe. There’s no doubt in my mind that you’re a Walmartian. Look, there goes Pixie Girl with her little fairy wings strapped to her back, floating aimlessly down the dairy isle in search of a loaf of bread. Clearly your school investments did jack shit to improve your financial situation. Or for that matter, your IQ.
Blogger: John Blog Title: Society Red
Search Terms: “I’m really lucky I took my hidden cam that day, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to shoot this hottie’s sexy big ass in grey butt pants.”
It’s clear now why you transitioned from construction worker to massage therapist: you’re a pervert. I’m starting to wonder if Society Red is a secret voyeur cult. I got my eye on you, Grandmaster John. I’m sure you got your eye on me too. And anyone wearing grey butt pants.
Blogger: Amber Blog Title: Lady lovely Blogger
Search Terms: “I’m warming my lips.”
Ok, I’m just gonna say it: I think you’re one of those anonymous hardcore sex bloggers. The gushy-poetry thing is just a fluffy diversion. Fess up. You’re a closet sex addict. And hey, since your lips are good and warm right now, why don’t you put them to good use? Wait, let me bend over first.
Blogger: Annonymous Hornball Blog Title: Fat Bottom Girl Said What
Search Terms: “Demonstrations on how to shave my pubis and cookie for my man.”
Where would you even find the time to shave your cookie? It seems like most of your free time is spent guzzling cheap beer and Facebook stalking all the guys that dumped your crazy ass after one date. The rest of your time is spent crying about it on WordPress. I was picturing an intimate dinner date with you just now and it went something like this: “Check please.”
*****
Whew, that was fun!
You know, when I scroll through that list of mugshots, I don’t just see a collection of random people that willingly subjected themselves to public humiliation, I see a list of some of my absolute favorite blogger friends. Not only are all you people really good at your crafts, but you’re also good at inspiring, motivating, and encouraging others that share the same passion.
Speaking personally, at one point or another you’ve all helped prop me up during the dark times, flattered or complimented me when I sucked, encouraged me to keep writing when I wanted to quit, and inspired me when I didn’t have anything left in the tank.
Not only have you all played a part in the evolution of this dumb blog, but more importantly, you’ve inspired a very personal evolution. Nowhere else will I ever find this much heartfelt support for a silly pipe dream of mine. I can count the people on one hand in real life that support my writing. But here is different. I’d need a lot more hands. \m/
And lastly, I wanted to make honorable mention of one person in particular on the list: Jules, the author of the blog, McCrabass. Thank you for all your help outside the blogosphere. You’re an immense talent and a very gifted mind. Thanks for taking the time to point me in a direction. You have a big heart. I’m still your number one fan.
I wish I could have included everyone, but damn, this took a long time to put together. Thank you all again for being good sports. And thank you to everyone else not mentioned here that I interact with regularly. You’re all very much loved and appreciated. We’ll see where this whole thing goes.
Sorry for being a dick.
*****
Thanks for your contributions:
- Jean, author of Wholey Jeans
- Tracy, author of, um, Tracy Fulks
- Sara, author of Laments and Lullabies
- Jenn, author of Jenn’s Midlife Crisis
- Vanessa-Jane, author of Vanessa-Jane Chapman
- Mystery Lady, author of Happy Zinny
- Mystery Lady #2, author of Words Fall From My Eyes
*****
Feel free to test the thickness of my skin in the comment section.
- Happy Blogging \m/
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Champagne, Warm Lube, and a Blorgy the Size of Times Square
I’m so excited right now. I can barely contain myself.
Originally, I wasn’t even gonna post anything for the New Year, and then I thought: how could I pass on the perfect opportunity to recap, rock out, spread some lovin’ butter, and announce all of the cool shit that I have planned for 2013?
Buckle up.
Ready. Set. Launch.
2012: The Year of the Bitcher
First off, this has been such an incredible past four months. Getting all of this stuff out of my head and onto paper has been nothing short of orgasmic. What a silly word. Whatever. Creative writing is something that I’ve always wanted to do in one capacity or another, but I never really had the discipline or support that I would have liked in order to pursue it. It’s hard to imagine that only three posts into it I almost quit.
…I’m glad I didn’t.
“I’m feeling a little farklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic.” Photo Credit: johnjohnsaidit.com
I owe it to all of you insanely cool people that have jumped on board and backed me up. You’ve stood behind me each and every wacky post. I’ve never in my life had this kind of unconditional support. Ever. I’m getting a bit choked up.
No. Fuck that. Hold it in.
I know it sounds kind of cheese, but it’s the truth. Your readership, participation, and encouragement have inspired me in ways greater than you’ll ever know, and it’s you that continues to inspire the evolution of this raging monster that I call: MY RIGHT TO BITCH.
I don’t just write for me. That would be boring as hell if it were the only reason. It’s not interactive that way.
I write for you, too, and that’s why I love blogging. It doesn’t just get put into a drawer in some shitty, pleather-bound journal — it gets launched into cyber space. And after it goes live, it becomes a full-contact sport. Anything goes.
Every time I send something out there, within minutes, you guys are already chewing it up, twisting it, breaking it, spinning it, smashing it, lighting it on fire, and barfing it back onto my screen. That’s the coolest part for me. That’s the pay off. To put time into something that I love so much, and to have it all come back to me like that makes me want to keep doing it.
And for all that, I love you. There. I said it.
The Awards Shit Show
Thanks to all the people that went out of their way to drop an award off. I don’t get into all of the question answering stuff, but I greatly appreciate the recognition. If you nominated me for an award over the past month, check out the Trophies and Stuff tab, and scroll to the bottom of the page. There’s a little thank you note for each one of you guys. I can’t promise that it’ll be a love letter. You know me. I also included a link back to your page as well. Thank you.
Now please don’t send me any more fucking homework assignments.
Post of the Week
You probably noticed in the sidebar an image with the title: Post of the Week. There’s also a new tab at the top of the screen with the same header. This is a new, totally rad thing that I’m gonna be doing from now on. Fuck being Freshly Pressed. Post of the Week is way cooler.
Every week, as usual, I’ll be trolling the blogosphere in hot pursuit of one standout post – one that I think deserves to be read and recognized. There are no genre limitations. Check back often. Whether you’re here or not, I’ll be sure to let you know if you got picked.
See, this is just another one of those reasons why I should be getting a Christmas Card from you.
The Bitchin’ Blogroll
The Blogroll is finally up. Scroll to the bottom of the sidebar. Hopefully I didn’t make any glaring mistakes or leave anyone out. Call me out on it if I did. After all this stuff my brain is officially toast — mistakes are likely.
It’s kinda like checking to see if you made the basketball team, isn’t it? Many more to follow…
Guest Panel Shenanigans
Easily, the coolest picture that I’ve ever found online. Period. Watch, now I’m gonna get sued. Photo Credit: Luuux.com
Now for the big announcement. This is going to be off-the-hook. At the top of the screen you’ll see another new tab titled: Join the Guest Panel. Click it.
Read it. Sign up.
Don’t be intimidated.
I’m gonna need some help throughout the coming year. I’m putting together a series of Blogger Panels that will become part of some interactive blog ideas I have in the hopper. I can’t go into details. It’s top secret for the time being, so don’t ask me to tell you about it. If I told you I’d have to kill you. Well, maybe not that extreme. But I’d definitely have to break your fingers.
All *auditions* need to be submitted in the comment section under the Join the Guest Panel tab at the top of the screen. Please. Keep this organized. I’m sitting on top of Mt. Laundry right now. Make it easy for me.
*****
Lastly, a few personal shout outs: thank you to The Cheeky Diva for her help in getting me FP’d (sounds dirty), and to Le Clown for the guest blogging opportunities on both Black Box Warnings, and A Clown on Fire‘s Christmas Blogroll Extravaganza. And finally, thank you to Mr. Radar Nelson for the guest blogging spot on Seasons of Insanity. Nancy Grace is a Pig.
*****
Alright.
Are you excited? I’m jacked to the max. I can’t wait to start the New Year.
It’s gonna be a big one. It’s gonna be a fun one. And it’s gonna be jam packed with more profanity, shenanigans, and water-based lube than ever before. I’m glad to have you all aboard. Let’s rock and roll…
-Happy New Year, and Happy Blogging \m/
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What Do Missiles, Paul Reiser, and Elevator Farting Have in Common?
In order to find out what all of these things have in common, you’ll have to stop by the My Right to Bitch Blogroll Induction Ceremony on A Clown on Fire. And bring a side a dish. Preferably one with lots of beer in it.
It’s a gloriously festive occasion. I hope you can make it.
I’ve cracked the code. At least I think I did. Stop by the party, and I’ll explain the inner workings of the the very wacky, impressionistic, and sometimes indecipherable A Clown on Fire website. Important answers will be discovered. Answers to questions like, “What the Fuck is a A Clown on Fire?” Perhaps the most burning question of all…
It’s must read material.
Would you expect any less?
Here’s a Preview:
A Clown on Fire is Like:
#3. Eating the most delectable piece of chocolate cake, and finding a dirty band-aid with part of a finger still attached to it in the last bite… (the suspense)
I don’t wanna spoil the fun…
The man in the blue tie just shit his pants. The man in the Red Scarf was the first to realize it. The short man will be the first to hurl…
Go check it out!
-Happy Blogging \M/
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Let’s Have a Blorgy, Shall We?
I’ve been a real arrogant asshole lately. Look at me — hoarding all of my prized trophies without sharing them with anyone else. It’s been a long time coming, but I finally got around to passing out some hardware to all the folks that I’m grateful for. You’ve been supportive, thoughtful, inspirational, and bitchin’. Take your awards and hide them in a safe place. You are all winners. We are winners together. Oh, and fuck all that question answering bullshit. Pass them on. Praise a few people that deserve it. Thank you all.
Enter the Award Ceremony to check out a bunch of wickedly cool people. Or don’t. Your choice.
But don’t do this:
God this still bothers me. Hey Angelina, is that Brad’s leg or yours?
Congratulations…
-Happy Blogging Bitchers!
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My Right To Bitch Hardware: The {Booker} Award
Who said bitching and complaining wouldn’t get you anywhere? Ok, it still hasn’t got me anywhere. Even though it doesn’t pay the bills, it does come with an occasional bit of meaningful recognition. Thanks to Nick, the author of the blog: Talkin’ Shit for bestowing upon me The {Booker} Award.
I tip my cap to you sir.
Acceptance Speech:
Talkin’ Shit is one of the blogs that I keep an eye out for in my reader. Actually, when I first started doing this, he was one of the guys that helped inspire my blog – that’s no lie. Give credit where credit is due. He has an assertive, yet compassionate voice when he delivers on his topics. That’s why I follow him. I would encourage the sensitive reader to look past the abrasive title, and find within it a series of deep and genuine writings. Life is packed full of so much more than what’s visible on the surface – his posts are reflective of that.
He’s is the type of person that says what needs to be said, and I find that admirable. Being politically correct sucks. Nick’s blog doesn’t. A good majority of people seem to hold back when they write — that’s what separates him from most. There are times when his words are just downright heart-wrenching and real. One post in particular stands out that I still haven’t forgotten. Out of respect for the personal nature of the story, I’ll leave it to be discovered.
Keep an eye out for the “Douche of the Week” – great stuff! Thanks again Nick — you rock.
A Few Great Reads:
Even though I [CENSORED] hate reading, here are a few books that I couldn’t put down.
1.) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas — Hunter S. Thompson
This is the guru of gonzo at his finest. What an iconic figure in American Literature. It would be a shame if a book-reader went a lifetime without sampling some of his work. Hunter S. Thompson is an absolute genius, and the reason that I started writing. It’s hard sometimes for me to hold back the Hunter S. within me…
2.) The I Ching (Book of Changes) — (Interpreted by) Brian Browne Walker
This one is probably more of a manual than a book. The I Ching is one of the oldest texts in the world, supposedly predating recorded history. There are a million interpretations of it, but I was told this was the most accurate of the many. It seemed a bit hokey at first, but after giving it shot, I couldn’t put it down. It’s a guide for navigating life — with a twist. Check it out.
3.) The Holographic Universe — Michael Talbot
This is one of those books that will flip your lid if you’re into weird metaphysics stuff. It’s basically Albert Einstein babble for Dummies. The Holographic Universe is a series of experiments conducted in order to turn science-fiction into science fact. I would classify it under “heavy reading”. I’ve read it more than once — that says something.
4.) Freedom — OSHO
If you’re in need of some real-life counseling, look into OSHO. The guy was a guru for living. The term “enlightenment” is frowned upon by his philosophy, yet it’s the best word I can think of to describe the goal of his teachings. It changed my life. It will change yours too.
5. The Dirt — Motley Crue (Biography)
This book made me realize how [CENSORED] boring my life is. These guys partied hard. Period. I don’t even really like Motley Crue and I read it at least four times. I gave my copy to someone and its been passed around ever since. The last time I saw it, it was in pretty bad shape. Check it out — there isn’t a dull moment in it.
And Now, The Envelope Please:
This is the part where I get to pass on the {Booker} Award to my 5 Favorite Bloggers — You guys have all been awesome. Congratulations, you deserve a little recognition…keep it coming!
1.) Sass and Balderdash – This quirky little chick is an up-and-coming stand up comic. Look out, she’s a feisty one — that’s why I love reading her stuff. She’s always good for laugh. Notable post: Grocery Store Gripes
2.) The B(itch) Log – Heather is a must read. She’s a misanthropist to the core, which makes for some great stories. Her stuff falls into the “mommy blog” genre. Whether you have kids or not, doesn’t matter — read it. She doesn’t hold anything back — judge for yourself. Notable post: Food Nazis
3.) Seasons of Insanity – This guy was my first fan. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I never really got into the whole zombie apocalypse thing until I started reading Radar’s stuff — now I’m hooked. Each week he posts a continuation to the story, and I’m right behind him reading it. I hope it takes off. Cheers to you sir, congrats on the milestone(s). Notable Post: Day 67: A Zombie Apocalypse (backtrack, follow all)
4.) Life and Other Tales – This is one of my all time favorites. She is an amazing poet and storyteller. Her stuff is packed full of great imagery and emotion — I’m always looking for her stuff. You should too. Plus, she’s always the first one to hump my blog whenever I post — what a doll. Notable Post: After the Storm
5.) Single Girl Blogging – This chick is a riot. I hope for my own selfish sake she stays single forever, because it’s resulted in a great blog. I think she belongs in Cosmopolitan or something like that — she’s definitely got a columnist-type style about her writing. Super witty, no discretion, and raunchy as hell. Notable Post: WTF is Victoria Beckham’s Problem?
God, that felt like being in college again, but it was worth it –
–Happy Blogging and Congratulations…Bitchers
If you’d like to Share the {Booker} Award:
1.) Thank the person that gave it to you
2.) List a few books that have inspired your life and writing
3.) Pass it on to 5 of your favorite bloggers
