I’ve had this one particular scenario in my head for awhile now. It’s a fantasy, for lack of better terms, that involves me packing up my car with nothing but the essentials, getting on the road, and driving as far away as I can from the place I live.
I don’t know where it is that I’m going, I don’t know how long it will take before I get there, and I don’t know what will happen after I arrive. I do know one thing: it’s a better and happier place. Actually, it’s the perfect place for me, and one far away from the monotony and melancholy that keep my feet fastened to the ground.
The people in this dream of mine are friendly; they smile with meaning and purpose, and have good intentions. They love life – not the busybody, pretend kind of living – they truly cherish it. They bask in it. Nothing like here. Here is dead. Hopeless. Gray.
Every time I see the movie playing in my mind’s eye, another small bit of color appears in the composition – one that wasn’t there before. It’s becoming less black and white. Maybe it’s a sign that the dream is moving closer to becoming a reality. The energy inside is massive. It’s bubbling and ready to boil over. It’s waiting to explode, and jettison me from this place and onto the highway to happiness.
And then I snap back. I’m forced to shelf it for the time being. What time is it? Oh, good. Only three more hours left. The day’s almost over. Focus on your work, Adam. Stop daydreaming. Forget about it for now. Dream on your own time…
Most mornings I don’t even want to open my eyes. The first thoughts that enter the stream are to just close them again, and somehow be magically whisked away from the bad dream. Hit the snooze button. Alarm. Snooze. Alarm. Still there. Same thing as yesterday. Same people. Same routine.
Another grueling day passes, and I find myself standing under the warm water pouring from the shower head. Numbness. The comforting blanket quickly dissipates, sending a subtle shiver through the core. The warmth never lasts long enough…
As I stand in front of the mirror wiping the steam from the glass, there appears a face from beyond the fog. I recognize it only faintly. The expressionless mug staring back appears tired, drained, lonely. Who is this person? What happened to his dream? His excitement? His energy?
The monologue ends with one final plea; God, or whatever rules this construct, just let me have one glimpse of that happy place before I close my eyes again and dream of nothing.
See, I loath this blog as much as I love it. In some ways it’s completely me. In other ways it’s the byproduct of me trying to thrive in a toxic environment. I’ve become this. The title alone is one of the fasteners that keep me pinned to misery. Sometimes it makes me cringe, and I find myself whispering quietly under my breath- beneath all the image and ego – what have I done?
The mask I hide behind obscures all of the features that identify the real me. It pollutes the compassion and empathy, and the deep longing for a world of forgiveness and understanding inside. It forces me to be something that I don’t want to be anymore – something that is destroying me inside and out, and keeping me from turning into the butterfly that I so desperately want to become.
But how do I take off the mask and break the cycle of fear? How do I expose, once again, all of the most vulnerable aspects of myself to a world that has been so ruthless and unforgiving in the past and present? How do I separate perception from reality? How do I forgive and let go? Is the world really out to destroy me? Or is it just another insecurity or deep-seated fear?
What if, upon exposing my vulnerable throat and belly, I’m slashed a stuck instead of hugged and loved? What if it’s an utter failure, one that leads to my demise, and I find myself face down, consciousness fading, watching the blood flow into the drain? This could be the end of me…
…or it could be the beginning. It could be the start of something bigger. Something better. Something grand and meaningful. And best of all, the evolution might not only bring the daydream to me on demand, but could potentially uproot that dream from the mindscape, and project it onto the dull, uninspiring canvas that I’ve painted myself so rigidly onto – replacing the grays and shadows with brilliant, colorful hues and beaming light.
For now, it’s just an idea, and an idea without an action is just a thought. Thoughts are fleeting. They form and pass like clouds. But without thoughts we’d have no ideas, and without ideas we’d have no dreams, and without dreams we’d have no happiness.
I guess it all comes down to how badly you want to experience life and happiness. How desperate are you to immerse yourself in a dream, rather than settle for watching it on TV? How willing are you to get on the highway, leaving behind the old definition of yourself and reality, and for the first time ever create your own definition? How far are you willing to drive?
I guess that’s what they mean when they say, potential. The will is there.
The action awaits.
-Happy Blogging \m/
I’m so excited right now. I can barely contain myself.
Originally, I wasn’t even gonna post anything for the New Year, and then I thought: how could I pass on the perfect opportunity to recap, rock out, spread some lovin’ butter, and announce all of the cool shit that I have planned for 2013?
Ready. Set. Launch.
2012: The Year of the Bitcher
First off, this has been such an incredible past four months. Getting all of this stuff out of my head and onto paper has been nothing short of orgasmic. What a silly word. Whatever. Creative writing is something that I’ve always wanted to do in one capacity or another, but I never really had the discipline or support that I would have liked in order to pursue it. It’s hard to imagine that only three posts into it I almost quit.
…I’m glad I didn’t.
I owe it to all of you insanely cool people that have jumped on board and backed me up. You’ve stood behind me each and every wacky post. I’ve never in my life had this kind of unconditional support. Ever. I’m getting a bit choked up.
No. Fuck that. Hold it in.
I know it sounds kind of cheese, but it’s the truth. Your readership, participation, and encouragement have inspired me in ways greater than you’ll ever know, and it’s you that continues to inspire the evolution of this raging monster that I call: MY RIGHT TO BITCH.
I don’t just write for me. That would be boring as hell if it were the only reason. It’s not interactive that way.
I write for you, too, and that’s why I love blogging. It doesn’t just get put into a drawer in some shitty, pleather-bound journal — it gets launched into cyber space. And after it goes live, it becomes a full-contact sport. Anything goes.
Every time I send something out there, within minutes, you guys are already chewing it up, twisting it, breaking it, spinning it, smashing it, lighting it on fire, and barfing it back onto my screen. That’s the coolest part for me. That’s the pay off. To put time into something that I love so much, and to have it all come back to me like that makes me want to keep doing it.
And for all that, I love you. There. I said it.
The Awards Shit Show
Thanks to all the people that went out of their way to drop an award off. I don’t get into all of the question answering stuff, but I greatly appreciate the recognition. If you nominated me for an award over the past month, check out the Trophies and Stuff tab, and scroll to the bottom of the page. There’s a little thank you note for each one of you guys. I can’t promise that it’ll be a love letter. You know me. I also included a link back to your page as well. Thank you.
Now please don’t send me any more fucking homework assignments.
Post of the Week
You probably noticed in the sidebar an image with the title: Post of the Week. There’s also a new tab at the top of the screen with the same header. This is a new, totally rad thing that I’m gonna be doing from now on. Fuck being Freshly Pressed. Post of the Week is way cooler.
Every week, as usual, I’ll be trolling the blogosphere in hot pursuit of one standout post – one that I think deserves to be read and recognized. There are no genre limitations. Check back often. Whether you’re here or not, I’ll be sure to let you know if you got picked.
See, this is just another one of those reasons why I should be getting a Christmas Card from you.
The Bitchin’ Blogroll
The Blogroll is finally up. Scroll to the bottom of the sidebar. Hopefully I didn’t make any glaring mistakes or leave anyone out. Call me out on it if I did. After all this stuff my brain is officially toast — mistakes are likely.
It’s kinda like checking to see if you made the basketball team, isn’t it? Many more to follow…
Guest Panel Shenanigans
Now for the big announcement. This is going to be off-the-hook. At the top of the screen you’ll see another new tab titled: Join the Guest Panel. Click it.
Read it. Sign up.
Don’t be intimidated.
I’m gonna need some help throughout the coming year. I’m putting together a series of Blogger Panels that will become part of some interactive blog ideas I have in the hopper. I can’t go into details. It’s top secret for the time being, so don’t ask me to tell you about it. If I told you I’d have to kill you. Well, maybe not that extreme. But I’d definitely have to break your fingers.
All *auditions* need to be submitted in the comment section under the Join the Guest Panel tab at the top of the screen. Please. Keep this organized. I’m sitting on top of Mt. Laundry right now. Make it easy for me.
Lastly, a few personal shout outs: thank you to The Cheeky Diva for her help in getting me FP’d (sounds dirty), and to Le Clown for the guest blogging opportunities on both Black Box Warnings, and A Clown on Fire‘s Christmas Blogroll Extravaganza. And finally, thank you to Mr. Radar Nelson for the guest blogging spot on Seasons of Insanity. Nancy Grace is a Pig.
Are you excited? I’m jacked to the max. I can’t wait to start the New Year.
It’s gonna be a big one. It’s gonna be a fun one. And it’s gonna be jam packed with more profanity, shenanigans, and water-based lube than ever before. I’m glad to have you all aboard. Let’s rock and roll…
-Happy New Year, and Happy Blogging \m/