Category: Satire

Cigarette Tourette’s

I am a smoker.  And, if there were enough hours in the day I’d probably smoke a carton.  I’d smoke four at a time – lighting fresh ones with butts – blowing smoke rings out of my nose.  I’d blow it in the faces of innocent bystanders where am I going with this? Ok, I don’t like smoking that much.  But I still like the shit out of it.

Hey lookie there you're doing it right.

Hey lookie there you’re doing it right.

Despite how much I like smoking, it was probably the stupidest thing I ever did. 

I quit one time, and the first week was on par with heroine or methadone withdrawal. I bit one of my fingers off.  There were shredded napkins everywhere.  My eyeball fell out.  I might have thrown up blood at some point.  But other than that, things went pretty well.

You don’t really realize how engrained it is in your routine until you stop doing it, and after that, you get the crabby panty syndrome, or what I call, ‘Cigarettes Tourette’s’.  

It goes something like this:

*pacing*

CH:  I don’t know what to do with my FUCK hand I need to smoke something SHIT and this straw is not working LLAMA not DICK working at all and this gum FUCK sucks and it tastes like rubber and SHIT chalk I can’t see straight and the lights are FUCK dimming.

And that’s why I quit the first time. Because somebody said to me somewhere once that this is a healthier alternative to smoking.  I felt fine before I quit, and then that.  Peer pressure.  Again.  

That’s without a doubt the worst part about being a smoker – having to listen to some obese man with a cholesterol problem lecture me on the reasons why I should quit smoking while he is chewing on a rib bone.  Duly noted, sir.  And now please wipe the sodium-rich barbecue sauce off your face because it’s making me look at it. 

This STRAW.  SUCKS.

This STRAW. SUCKS.

But all these ads with smoking fetuses, and some girl with cigarette butts on her tongue, and voice box guy – it’s all too much.  SHUT UP I’m trying to concentrate on smoking.  I get it.  We all get it.  I’m waving the white flag indicating that you’re right.  You win.  Smoking is bad. 

So here I am now, staring at a box of Chantix and wondering what the shelf life is on this drug is.  It’s an ugly box.  A stupid box.  I’m not sure when I’m going to eat them.  I not sure I want to eat them.  If I eat them it’s going to be like that scene in Titanic at the end when Jack is sinking to the bottom of the Atlantic:

Cigarettes, come back.  

Come back, pack.

Pack, come FUCK back…

**Bonus Contest Alert **Bonus Contest Alert**Bonus Contest Alert**

If you guess correctly what kind of cigarettes I smoke, I’ll make you a free banner or some badges for your Facebook/Twitter pages.  But one guess only, cheaters!

And don’t stop smoking, because quitting is bad for you.

\m/

The Blog Hop Starts Here!!!

In case you missed the Blog Hop backstory, you can read about it HERE.

The goal was to demonstrate that an episode of either Anxiety or Depression can in fact have an application:  awesome, and sometimes downright hilarious fiction.  Why not laugh at the quirks?  Sitting around and crying into a bowl of chicken noodle soup never did shit for me personally.  Everybody on the tour has had some kind of experience with either, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we also know how to write some kick ass fiction.  Screw the label.  Screw the stigma.  At the source of it all is an active imagination, and a fabulous fictional tale awaits.

There are twelve writers ahead of me today, with each of them featuring the next part of this highly outlandish tale, and each post is around 200 words. Here’s a double shot of humor to go along with your morning espresso.

*kicks door down Chuck Norris-style*

Set.  GO!

The Most Outlandish Tale About Anxiety and Depression Ever Told

So anyways, I was meandering around the mall the other day, bags in hand, when I accidentally ran into this little elderly lady with white hair.  We literally ran into each other.  Clumsy me.  We were both very apologetic toward each other after the bump-in however, and immediately went our separate ways.

A short while later, I accidentally bumped into the same elderly woman while in a different outlet store, only this time I was in a hurry, so I ran into her pretty hard – like, she was on one leg at some point and almost kicked me in the face as she was tipping backwards.  The woman was less apologetic this time as she adjusted her knee-highs, but managed to eek out a half-grin before we again parted company.

I was starting to grow a little bit paranoid at this point, hoping that I wouldn’t accidentally run into her again.  I started thinking about all these crazy what-if scenarios, and my head turned into a washing machine of bad thoughts…

What if she had a contagious skin infection?  Maybe I should find a bathroom and scrub my arm?  What if we keep bumping into each other for a reason?  What’s the reason?  Maybe she’s my soulmate? WHAT IF SHE WORKS FOR THE MOB AND SHE’S GONNA FUCKING KILL ME IF I BUMP INTO HER AGAIN?!

I had to get out, and quickly.

My fragile existence was now at stake and…

…THAT LEG WAS PRETTY HAIRY TOO NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT!

I dashed out the mall entrance door and threw my bags in a nearby bush…

Continue the story by clicking here

Blog Hop: The Most Outlandish Anxiety Tale Ever Told

Have you ever had one of those moments where suddenly, out of nowhere, you felt really nervous for absolutely no reason?  Maybe, like, you’re standing in line at the grocery store, staring at someone’s bananas on the conveyor belt…

…and then you begin creating this catastrophic what-if scenario in your head in which you all of the sudden FREAK OUT and hold up the register with a banana under your shirt, which leads to some kind of hostage situation, which leads to police helicopters and news reporters and swat teams, which leads to your mugshot being flashed on CNN headline news everywhere, which leads to getting hit in the head with one of those bean bag guns, which leads to you going to prison, which leads to having to share a cot with some guy named Dimples who likes to cuddle, which leads to a terrifying stroll down the death row corridor with a potato sack over your head, which leads to being strapped into the electric chair…

…and then the very polite girl at the register timidly says, “your total is $4.99″, sir, and you’re all like,

“PLEASE DON’T SEND ME TO PRISON IT’S JUST A BANANA LOOK!”

And then everybody looks at you with weird looks on their faces, and probably thinking to themselves that that’s exactly where you belong…

I will...smash...this...or something...in your face if you don't give me money.

I will…smash…this…or something…in your face if you don’t give me money.

That’s called Anxiety. I do that sometimes.  Well, sorta..

But it got me to thinking (irony) about how much anxiety (and depression) have helped me write stories. After all, that’s basically what anxiety is, right?  I guess it’s all in how you look at it.  Are you a “poor, helpless anxiety sufferer”?  Or, do you have the gift of being a fucking great fiction writer?  When you think about it, having a freak out episode, or an anxiety or panic attack, or a grey matter meltdown, or whatever you wanna call it, is nothing but a series of creatively fabricated events that never happen. It’s fiction.  A lot of the time, it’s really good fiction.

So I thought it would be a cool idea to celebrate our varying degrees of mainstream neuroticism by kicking of a BLOG HOP starting HERE this Thursday.  Anxiety deserves a laugh, and for that matter, Depression does too.  Rather than sit around and cry about it, why not recognize these things as gifts?  They are weird gifts, yes: “Gee, thanks for this, um, gift stuff…”

The point I’m trying to make is this: Apply it to Something.  Many already do, and just don’t recognize it.  Maybe you’ll learn to recognize it beginning today?

The blog-hopping story – similar to the one told at the intro to this post – will mozy on down a long trail of other crazy people – all with the ability to produce great anxiety-inspired fiction.  If it works (it’s already working), you’ll get a chance to read a really funny, highly outlandish story, collectively told in very small parts by a lot of really talented writers.  You’ll get to visit all off your buds, click the like button, fart, and move on to the next blog in no time flat.

Sound like fun? It will be!

Want to join?  You should!

Sign on the dotted line in the comment section!

Oh, and Psst!  Ericka Clay is playing along at some point along the story path, so you know it’s gonna be 2 legit to quit.  Nothing like a good old fashioned name drop.

Salute \m/

 

LAP Featured on WordPress News

For the first time ever, this is not a spoof LAP news announcement: The entire Long Awkward Pause cast is being featured on WordPress News today, so please join us for an insightful interview into the underworkings and underwears of of this marvelously disorganized humor mag of sorts!

CLICK HERE to read the full interview

We will also be offering a very simple (very late) complimentary breakfast buffet for our guests, which will consist of Coffee and bagels, and also muffins if you prefer.  We also have cream cheese for you bagel buffs. Oh yeah, and we also have whole grain cereal and oatmeal, and a toast selection for the fiber people, and flapjacks with chocolate chips and/or blueberries, and a variety of high-grade maple syrups to choose from.

Oops!  Almost forgot to mention the poached eggs, fried eggs, scrambled eggs , the grits, the standard bacon, turkey bacon and Canadian bacon, the sausage links, the Kobe beef sausage sampler (haven’t tried it yet, but sounds pretty good), and the imported tropical fruit spread that came from some warm island, too.

Waffles!  Forgot to mention the waffles with powdered sugar and strawberry toppings.  How could I forget about the waffles?

Oh yes, geez, and there will also be orange juice, mango juice, papaya juice, cranberry juice, Juicy Juice, Banana juice, some green juice stuff that looks gross so probably don’t try that one, and also spring water with ice and straws, and those little umbrella toothpick things (…if you want to look important while you’re eating).

Tea, goat cheese and croissants too. And cinnamon buns. There might be something else I'm forgetting here...

Tea, goat cheese and croissants too. And cinnamon buns. There might be something else I’m forgetting here…

If that isn’t an incentive to join us this afternoon, then you probably hate the shit out of breakfast.  Or maybe you just don’t like breakfast in the afternoon, which is understandable.  Fair enough. Hope to see you there!

Salute \m/

The Real Meaning Behind Inspirational Pinterest Posters.

I might get myself into a heap a shit today with the some of you this morning, BUT!  Just another routine day at the office…

Today it’s time to do some ball-busting, and those cheeseball inspirational posters that everybody plasters all over their social media pages are due for a call-out.  You know what I’m talking about, right?  Those really sappy quote posters about “climbing to the top of the summit and blah blah blah..” and “You’ll never know what you had until you blah blah blah…”

These things:

Pinterest Poster

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The only thing this inspires me to do is stick my finger down my throat and tickle that hangy-down thingy until I throw up…

There is a subliminal message in each of these too, and I’m pretty confident that I’ve cracked the code.  I think.  So grab your Friday Java, and make sure you don’t drink any of it while you’re reading this list, because I cannot be held liable for coffee sprayage all over your high-def Samsung computer monitor.

CLICK HERE for all the action happening over at Long Awkward Pause today.

I promise it’ll deliver.

Or it will completely suck.

One or the other.

 

Salute \m/

Testing the Integrity of your Local Psychic Reader

I’m a skeptic when it comes to pretty much everything.  I also realize that the previous statement is about as obvious as a forehead zit in a senior yearbook photo.  But for some reason, whenever a strange gypsy lady lays out a deck of creepy-looking playing cards and tells me I’m gonna be wealthy, get married to Jessica Biel in Santa Cruz, and have three kids and a Pontoon Boat, my ears perk up.

Way to go, dum dum... Photo Credit:  Break.com

Way to go…
Photo Credit: Break.com

Sadly, there are too many naive people like me in this world, cart-wheeling around with their thumbs up their butts, more than willing to waltz in and bend over for anybody that has a business card with the word Psychic on it.  Which begs the question:

Is your Psychic really telling the truth?

The answer:

Probably.  

But because of the dramatic influx of amateur fortune-teller talent over the past few decades, it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to identify authentics like Sylvia Browne, Ms. Cleo, and Madamme Weebles from the average con.

Before you eagerly toss a loaf of cashola into the lap of a potential fraud, be aware that there are foes lurking in your Psychic Friends Network.  Consider the following tips to avoid getting scammed the next time you pop in for a glimpse of the what’s-to-come.

Never trust a Medium that:

- Furnishes the reading room with white retro leather furniture and a Jim Morrison poster.
– Is wearing an “inside psychic-joke” t-shirt that says, “I knew you were gonna say that”.
– Begins a session with a pop-voodoo ritual asking the candidate to make a wish, followed by waving his/her hard-earned cash over the deck like a magician’s wand and repeating a mantra like, “highsy lowsy here we goesy”.

A lot better now that I know I'm gonna be in Santa Cruz next weekend!

A lot better now that I know I’m gonna be in Santa Cruz next weekend.

- Offers any up sells under their Psychic Goods and Services Umbrella.  ie. mystical shampoos and body products, polished rocks, holistic witch serums, or spousal surveillance.
– Wears a green plastic poker visor.
– Claims to be picking up messages from the abyss from a non-human source, like a deceased pet cat.
– Speaks artificially broken-English.
– Asks questions that they should already know the answers to.  ie. You have a woman in your life, no?
– Offers a coupon package like, “buy 2 readings, get 1 free”.
– Drives a Volkswagon bus.

*****

Of course, this list doesn’t guarantee you’ll weed out every dingleberry clairvoyant on the market – that’s your responsibility.   Use your own intuition when shopping for a reliable fate-sayer.  The last thing you want is to find yourself prematurely setting your work desk on fire with a bucket of kerosene after learning of a non-existent trust fund inheritance.

But if it turns out that you are in fact a beneficiary, toss me a bone, will ya?  *wink

*****

- Keep your friends close, but keep your Psychic Friends even closer, Chowderheads \m/

Failing at Fotoshop

I’m not proud to admit it, but I’m still floundering away at The University of Microsoft Paint.  

If you’re not familiar with it, MS Paint is a watered-down photo editing program that comes standard with every PC.  The only thing it’s useful for is drawing a perfect circle, square, or trapezoid, then filling it with a primary color.  Basically, it’s one step above an Etch-o-Sketch.  

Since I’m in a giving mood today, I thought I’d give all you graphic artist snobs an opportunity to point and laugh at some of my crudely-edited pictures from the past.  Up until now, none of them have seen the light of day.  The tour you’re about to take should give you an idea of what I’m working with here.

In short, my graphic design skills are about four feet shy of a slam dunk.

Behold…

Exhibit A.

When Suze Speaks You Will Listen

I’m a wizard at blacking out teeth.  Lucky for me, Suze Orman is already missing one.  The caption saved this one.  The sketchy-looking thought bubble did not.  Grade D+

…Exhibit B

When Suze Speaks You Will Listen (2)

The caption saved this one too.  Grade:  D

…Exhibit C

Mike Phleps

What began as a Chariots of Fire-inspired tribute to Michael Phelps, ended in a craptastic horn sympony of wet farts being lit on fire.  I blew this on so many levels.  First off, I butchered the name.  Phleps?  C’mon man.  Secondly, the Olympic Rings look like they just got off some Woodstock hippie bus after eating a handful of brown LSD.  Needless to say, this one didn’t bring home the gold — or any medal for that matter — just a raging case of genital herpes.  Grade:  F

…Exhibit D

Slam Dunking Pat Robertson

This one’s actually believable — all things considered.  In case you’re wondering, that’s Pat Robertson‘s head about to get slamma jamma’d by MJ.  Grade:  C-

…Exhibit E

Flo Nose Best

Where was I going with this one…This was actually an old piece from my graphic design portfolio.  People who interviewed me described it as being preposterouslaughable, and harmful to pregnant women.  One guy even called a couple weeks after the interview to tell me he’d gone sterile after looking at it.  Liar.  Needless to say, my computer drawing career never panned out.  Now that I look at it again, I can see where they’re coming from.  You did’t have to be a dick about it.  Sheesh.  Grade:  F

…Exhibit F

Capitol Building Wtf

Wait for it…

…Exhibit G

George W Planking

and boom goes the dynamite.  This one gets high marks for originality of content.  Unfortunately, I’m not sure The Enquirer is gonna fork over any loot for this Photoshop hack-job.  A Kindergartner could do a better job of cutting and pasting.  Look at Bush — he looks terrified.  I’ll bet this won’t be the first time G-Dub’s had a low mark stamped next to his name.  Grade:  D+

…Exhibit H

Sara Jessica Parker

The shading is spot on in this one, but I kinda goofed on Sara Jessica Parker’s hair.  Oh, and I totally forgot that she doesn’t eat carbs anymore.  Sorry chicky, this ain’t gonna help straighten out the long face —->  Grade:  D-

…Exhibit G:  *G-Money*

2 Fly 4 You

Here’s an exception.  Not much wrong with this one.  Except for the fried egg in Becca’s hair.  It was supposed to be a daisy.  Whatever.  If you print this out, don’t try using it at Walmart.  They just busted someone recently who was trying to score change for a million dollar bill.  True story.  It’s obvious that Walmart invests heavily in counterfeit and fraud prevention.  But who would wanna get rid of something with that pretty face on it?  Grade:  A+

…Exhibit H

Gary Busey

Gary Busey is so grouchy around the paparazzi.  I think he has a sugar problem.  Or a coke habit.  Probably both.  By the way, fake blood is hard to do on MS Paint.  It looks like cartoon barbecue sauce.  Someone give this man a rabies shot.  Stat.  Grade:  D – 

…Exhibit I

I'm a Toker not a Scholar

More pickin’ on Bush.  Wait.  That came out wrong.  Nevermind.  If you’ve never seen the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off then you’re probably scratching your wig right now.  Congratulations!  You’re the only person on the planet that hasn’t seen it.  The bong in the photo looks sort of believable, I guess.  And it’s patriotic too!  Who am I kidding.  It all sucks.  Grade:  D+

…Exhibit J

Dr Oz Commercial Not

I can’t imagine his monthly dry cleaning bill.  Actually, who cares about that.  I’m sending a Christmas card to the owner of the shop.  What a saint for handling all those poopy pants.  Grade: C

…Exhibit K 

David Dixon Tribute Sort of

I even screwed up my tribute to David Dixon.  Wait, is that his name or his nemesis?  Either way, you make it look easy, my friend.  Grade:  F

End of Tour.  

I hope nobody went sterile. 

*****

If you guys didn’t think this totally sucked, let me know.  I have a lot more Fotoshop Fails in the dumpster out back.  I could do a weekly bit called something corny like, “Fotoshop Fridays?”  Meh.  I’ll work on a title…

Oh, and check out the Post of the Week by Alien Red Queen.  Nicely written, Ms Lady.

-Happy Blogging \m/  

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