I’m a skeptic when it comes to pretty much everything. I also realize that the previous statement is about as obvious as a forehead zit in a senior yearbook photo. But for some reason, whenever a strange gypsy lady lays out a deck of creepy-looking playing cards and tells me I’m gonna be wealthy, get married to Jessica Biel in Santa Cruz, and have three kids and a Pontoon Boat, my ears perk up.
Sadly, there are too many naive people like me in this world, cart-wheeling around with their thumbs up their butts, more than willing to waltz in and bend over for anybody that has a business card with the word Psychic on it. Which begs the question:
Is your Psychic really telling the truth?
But because of the dramatic influx of amateur fortune-teller talent over the past few decades, it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to identify authentics like Sylvia Browne, Ms. Cleo, and Madamme Weebles from the average con.
Before you eagerly toss a loaf of cashola into the lap of a potential fraud, be aware that there are foes lurking in your Psychic Friends Network. Consider the following tips to avoid getting scammed the next time you pop in for a glimpse of the what’s-to-come.
Never trust a Medium that:
- Furnishes the reading room with white retro leather furniture and a Jim Morrison poster.
- Is wearing an “inside psychic-joke” t-shirt that says, “I knew you were gonna say that”.
- Begins a session with a pop-voodoo ritual asking the candidate to make a wish, followed by waving his/her hard-earned cash over the deck like a magician’s wand and repeating a mantra like, “highsy lowsy here we goesy”.
- Offers any up sells under their Psychic Goods and Services Umbrella. ie. mystical shampoos and body products, polished rocks, holistic witch serums, or spousal surveillance.
- Wears a green plastic poker visor.
- Claims to be picking up messages from the abyss from a non-human source, like a deceased pet cat.
- Speaks artificially broken-English.
- Asks questions that they should already know the answers to. ie. You have a woman in your life, no?
- Offers a coupon package like, “buy 2 readings, get 1 free”.
- Drives a Volkswagon bus.
Of course, this list doesn’t guarantee you’ll weed out every dingleberry clairvoyant on the market – that’s your responsibility. Use your own intuition when shopping for a reliable fate-sayer. The last thing you want is to find yourself prematurely setting your work desk on fire with a bucket of kerosene after learning of a non-existent trust fund inheritance.
But if it turns out that you are in fact a beneficiary, toss me a bone, will ya? *wink
- Keep your friends close, but keep your Psychic Friends even closer, Chowderheads \m/
I’m not proud to admit it, but I’m still floundering away at The University of Microsoft Paint.
If you’re not familiar with it, MS Paint is a watered-down photo editing program that comes standard with every PC. The only thing it’s useful for is drawing a perfect circle, square, or trapezoid, then filling it with a primary color. Basically, it’s one step above an Etch-o-Sketch.
Since I’m in a giving mood today, I thought I’d give all you graphic artist snobs an opportunity to point and laugh at some of my crudely-edited pictures from the past. Up until now, none of them have seen the light of day. The tour you’re about to take should give you an idea of what I’m working with here.
In short, my graphic design skills are about four feet shy of a slam dunk.
I’m a wizard at blacking out teeth. Lucky for me, Suze Orman is already missing one. The caption saved this one. The sketchy-looking thought bubble did not. Grade D+
The caption saved this one too. Grade: D
What began as a Chariots of Fire-inspired tribute to Michael Phelps, ended in a craptastic horn sympony of wet farts being lit on fire. I blew this on so many levels. First off, I butchered the name. Phleps? C’mon man. Secondly, the Olympic Rings look like they just got off some Woodstock hippie bus after eating a handful of brown LSD. Needless to say, this one didn’t bring home the gold — or any medal for that matter — just a raging case of genital herpes. Grade: F
Where was I going with this one…This was actually an old piece from my graphic design portfolio. People who interviewed me described it as being preposterous, laughable, and harmful to pregnant women. One guy even called a couple weeks after the interview to tell me he’d gone sterile after looking at it. Liar. Needless to say, my computer drawing career never panned out. Now that I look at it again, I can see where they’re coming from. You did’t have to be a dick about it. Sheesh. Grade: F
Wait for it…
…and boom goes the dynamite. This one gets high marks for originality of content. Unfortunately, I’m not sure The Enquirer is gonna fork over any loot for this Photoshop hack-job. A Kindergartner could do a better job of cutting and pasting. Look at Bush — he looks terrified. I’ll bet this won’t be the first time G-Dub’s had a low mark stamped next to his name. Grade: D+
The shading is spot on in this one, but I kinda goofed on Sara Jessica Parker’s hair. Oh, and I totally forgot that she doesn’t eat carbs anymore. Sorry chicky, this ain’t gonna help straighten out the long face —-> Grade: D-
…Exhibit G: *G-Money*
Here’s an exception. Not much wrong with this one. Except for the fried egg in Becca’s hair. It was supposed to be a daisy. Whatever. If you print this out, don’t try using it at Walmart. They just busted someone recently who was trying to score change for a million dollar bill. True story. It’s obvious that Walmart invests heavily in counterfeit and fraud prevention. But who would wanna get rid of something with that pretty face on it? Grade: A+
Gary Busey is so grouchy around the paparazzi. I think he has a sugar problem. Or a coke habit. Probably both. By the way, fake blood is hard to do on MS Paint. It looks like cartoon barbecue sauce. Someone give this man a rabies shot. Stat. Grade: D -
More pickin’ on Bush. Wait. That came out wrong. Nevermind. If you’ve never seen the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off then you’re probably scratching your wig right now. Congratulations! You’re the only person on the planet that hasn’t seen it. The bong in the photo looks sort of believable, I guess. And it’s patriotic too! Who am I kidding. It all sucks. Grade: D+
I can’t imagine his monthly dry cleaning bill. Actually, who cares about that. I’m sending a Christmas card to the owner of the shop. What a saint for handling all those poopy pants. Grade: C
I even screwed up my tribute to David Dixon. Wait, is that his name or his nemesis? Either way, you make it look easy, my friend. Grade: F
End of Tour.
I hope nobody went sterile.
If you guys didn’t think this totally sucked, let me know. I have a lot more Fotoshop Fails in the dumpster out back. I could do a weekly bit called something corny like, “Fotoshop Fridays?” Meh. I’ll work on a title…
Oh, and check out the Post of the Week by Alien Red Queen. Nicely written, Ms Lady.
-Happy Blogging \m/
I can’t think of a better way to kick off the MRTB 2K13 Campaign then by drop-kicking a few more Hypothetical Head-Spinners into the dumpster — along with a lit match.
If you weren’t here for the last Q and A shit-show, make sure you check out Hypothetically Speaking (Part I) for the rules of engagement. Otherwise, sit back and relax while myself and a MagnificientTM friend of mine launch another list of stupid questions into space orbit where they belong.
Cut the lights. Fire up the Amps.
Head explosion beginning in 3…2…1
…Would you be willing to have your left middle finger surgically removed if it somehow guaranteed you immunity from all diseases?
I’d rather get coughed in the mouth by someone with the Ebola Virus than have my left middle finger removed. It’s the second most important extremity on my body. If I were left handed it would be number one.
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Easy question. Because the Zoo would suck without the monkey exhibit. Watching a rabid Chimp spaz out and fast-pitch a stinky, banana flavored hand full of monkey dung at some dude eating a sandwich? That’s what I call money well spent.
Well worth the price of admission.
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
I don’t know about you but I’m not that eager to wipe my face with the same towel that I dry my dinner exit with. After the first use you’re playing with fire.
Standardized Post-Shower Drying Procedure:
Zone 1: Head Zone 2: Shoulders Zone 3: Knees & Toes Zone 4: “Area 51″ Zone 5: Hamper
Does pressing the call button on an elevator multiple times really make the lift come quicker?
If you’re pushing the call button from the lobby and trying to reach your bathroom on the 85th floor after drinking 14 beers, no. If you’re pushing the call button from the lobby and trying to reach your bathroom on the 85th floor after eating a plate of undercooked wet burritos, definitely no. In any other circumstances, yes.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
In order to answer this one we’ll need to use a little weather math:
If 32º F is freezing… and 32º F minus 32º is… 0º F… carry the 1…
Take the |absolute value| and multiply (x) by the derivative2 of the fractal binary equation. Multiply that value by the Square Root of (y)…
…According to my calculations the answer is Cold as Fuck.
Anything below zero is cold enough to make snow come out of your nose when you sneeze. That’s all you need to know. Welcome to January in Michigan. Our State Welcome Center Sign should read: “What the Hell are you Doing Here?
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
The first egg was invented in a lab by a Hungarian scientist in 1968. The first attempt was a miserable failure, and resulted in the accidental creation of a plastic-shelled egg filled with jelly beans. After several tries, the first chicken was hatched in an incubator a couple months later. The lab technicians named the hen Erzsébet. The first Easter holiday was celebrated the following year. Sadly, Erzsébet died before the party, but her offspring Piroska, and György were present.
They were dropped into a deep fryer later that afternoon.
Is there a time limitation on fortune cookie predictions?
Yes. It expires when you break the cookie open. Most people don’t know this, but in order for the fortune to be fulfilled, you have to suck on the cookie until it dissolves – including the little piece of paper. It’s a messy and horribly uncomfortable procedure. Give it a try.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Le Clown: No. It’s considered another fuck-up by Big Pharma. Fuck you, Big Pharma.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but checks when you say the paint is wet?
Because it takes roughly thirty seconds to wash paint from your hands, and about 3000 years to count to four billion. How desperate are you to validate this claim?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Le Clown: Fuck you, Yoda.
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
This one’s actually a tough question. There are countless transportation options for getting to work in the morning. Let’s try putting it into a multiple choice format:
A.) Cross Country Skies B.) A Pair of Stilts C.) A Pogo Stick D.) Flying Saucer E.) Shovels a path and walks there on his hands
The multiple choice format did not help.
If Felix Baumgartner farts while breaking the sound barrier and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it?
The purpose of the dot is to remind the user that any finger is a viable option for calculating or dialing with. You can even use your thumb to push the buttons if you’d like.
There’s probably a former Press Operator reading that’s not finding this very funny.
Sorry dude. You still rock. \m
Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?
I’ve never been to Hell personally, but if I had to guess, the angry residents there are probably telling jerk-offs to go to the DMV to get their driver’s licenses renewed. If said Hell resident really wanted to insult the jerk-off in question, he’d probably tell them to go on a Saturday afternoon. That place sucks.
Alright. Time to clean this place up. I gotta head next door to my neighbor’s house and try to explain to him how his car started on fire. This should be interesting. Wish me luck.
One last question for you:
What if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about?
- Happy Blogging \m/
Click HERE for Part One
- Hypothetically Speaking… (righttobitch.com)
- What Do Missiles, Paul Reiser, and Elevator Farting Have in Common? (righttobitch.com)
- 2nd Addendum: Fuck you, Autosave (fearnoweebles.wordpress.com)
Now that election season is over we can finally yank all those stupid political yard signs. Sigh of relief. But, being the earth-humping, new age hippie that I am, I’m concerned by the tremendous amount of potential waste being generated here. The optimist inside me assumes that someone has a plan to collect and recycle them, rather than toss them on top of a landfill pile. I won’t hold my breath…
Just in case the decision makers aren’t as forward thinking as I’m assuming they are, I’ve constructed a short list of recycling plans that should be considered by your community.
Here’s a few ways we could Make Constructive use of Political Yard Signs:
Build a Retirement Community for Ex-Presidential Hopefuls
Ex-presidential hopefuls deserve to retire comfortably too. I think it would be a nice gesture to have them put up in an apartment community constructed entirely out of yard signs. Sounds green to me? Let’s see how much you love your planet — seeing that you’ve all had enthusiastic eco-plans built into your campaigns. Oh, and no frivolous misuse of tax dollars allowed. We’ll provide whatever amenities you’d like, ex-hopefuls, so long as it can be constructed out of yard signs. A swimming pool you say? Maybe we can figure something out using the plastic ones. Enjoy your golden years Al Gore, but keep your hands off the in-home nurses.
Build a Bitchin’ Croquet Course
My vote goes to a Croquet course. A very, very big one. I’m thinking we might need to zone a piece of land the size of Connecticut to really make this happen. Create more jobs? Done and done! We can even have the course run through the retirement community. I’m sure Mitt is a real knocker at it already.
Olympic Hurdler Training Facility
Bring home the gold young U.S. Olympians, but stop wasting money on all of that high-tech training equipment. Am I the only one that saw Rocky? The Italian Stallion kept it modest. Punch a rack of beef, screw the heavy bag. Political yard signs would make great hurdles for our Olympic track and field hopefuls. Chop, chop, chop, Romney! Chop, chop, chop, Obama! Chop, chop, chop, Gary Johnson! Sounds kind of fun, doesn’t it? Equestrian facilities should also be considered for sign shipments.
Feed them to Goats
Are goats a naturally occurring animal? I’m starting to wonder if they were produced by a lab technician somewhere in the remote Nevada desert. Goats will eat anything short of rocket fuel. Why pass on millions of pounds of potential livestock feed? I say shred all of the signs and ship them off to goat farms. We eat steroid-injected beef supposedly, why not bullshit-injected goat?
Nudist Colony Fencing
I think a large shipment of signs should be distributed to nudist colonies for privacy reinforcement measures. Not for the sake of the colonists of course, but for the sake of everyone else passing by. It seems like all of the people that I don’t want to see walking around in the buff are the folks that love showing off their sag and jigglies the most. Please, embrace clothing! Hearing the term “birthday suit” brings a hot burp to the top of my neck.
Wind Energy Overhaul
Here’s another idea that I’m surprised no one else has considered yet. Experts are always spatting back and forth about how to create more green energy jobs, but the enormous cost and infrastructure required always seems to settle the debate prematurely. Why don’t we just pass out a couple million yard signs to jobless folks and have them fan the turbines? With that much man power, those propellers would be spinning like a ceiling fan. Low cost, high efficiency. I think we might be on to something…
Let’s all raise our glasses together and toast to the end of the campaign trail. Cheers! And remember, there’s no problem that can’t be solved without a little bit of ingenuity…
I’m looking forward to hearing your ideas!
- Woman has political yard signs stolen, receives postcard explanation from thief (cinewsnow.com)
- Don’t forget to recycle political yard signs (vindy.com)
- Political yard sign set on fire (wtvr.com)
At a time when I’d found myself wallowing in the deepest, darkest depths of writer’s despair, the universe once again delivered. Unfortunately, my newfound inspiration came with a price tag of a hundred dollars and a few days of lost blog-humping productivity. One all-too-anxious click of the mouse and I’d contracted a nasty case of cyber-gonorrhea, as well as an attitude toward the stinky prick that was responsible for it all.
It was hard not to feel remorseful about the timing of the matter. I was just starting to feel centered for once. The colorful aura that had surrounded my optimistic project faded, forcing me to shelf it for the time being. Back to the bitch diaries. I had a more pressing issue at hand.
I spent the next couple of nights by candle light, snapping off tacky one-liners with a quill pen and a head full of trance. Nothing that I wrote satiated. I needed more. I was desperate for reprisal, so I decided to try and track down the bastard. If I was going to find any closure from the whole ordeal I’d have to do a little police work first.
I figured my best shot at finding the guy would begin with establishing a motive and a detailed profile. In between slugs of coffee, I paced the room like a nervous cartoon, jotting down notes on a spiral-pad. I was feeling confident, on to something I thought. The pencil in my head began to swirl a composite sketch of the perpetrator at large.
I knew that he didn’t work for a reputable company like Microsoft or Apple, because it would contradict his whole philosophy. It’s difficult to get hired into a company like either of the two when you’re on a bi-monthly bathing schedule. I could picture him; isolated in some basement hideout, screaming into a headset while touring the World of Warcraft – the smell of some off brand air freshener fighting off the stale pizza rolls and TV dinner trays piled up on his desk. In between yelling fits and large blocks of anime porn, there he sits, writing malicious code on a highly sophisticated machine.
Reason led me to believe that he probably didn’t leave the house often, so I’d have to track him down outside of his headquarters. Where would he go? What would he look like? My brain was in desperate need of answers.
He had long hair – an anything-but-trendy ponytail, perhaps. A person of poor hygiene would mean long hair. I’m sure a hairdresser wouldn’t leave their scissors near a person smelling like a dirty sponge, yet alone volunteer their services. Facial hair was also a strong possibility. He’s clearly a non-conformist, which meant rule out anything fashionable or trendy. Cheap sunglasses, military boots, an old recycled leather jacket even.
A strong supporter of the Unix operating system. Everything else was inferior computing, fit only for the common caveman like myself. Maybe I could track him down online. Start in the forums and look for the arrogant flake.
All I needed now was a motive. What would drive a human to bully the civilized world with such malicious intentions? The answer was obvious. The poor bastard was probably exiled from the rest of his peers at a crucial time during development. It caught up with him later on – revisiting, lamenting his awkward high school years. Now he was evil. Non-conformists are born that way though, no fault of another.
The Fruitless Pursuit…
There was no use wasting anymore time. Generally speaking, I had a good idea what I was looking for. In retrospect, it was a bit optimistic of me. More importantly, I didn’t know what I was going to do with him when I found him. What sort of punishment would fit the crime? More questions. Then it hit me: motherboarding — a method used for dealing with cyber terrorism, which involved tying the perpetrator to his throne, and beating him senselessly with a stack of motherboards. Half the problem with the prick is that he’s too smart for his own good, so I may as well bring his IQ down a few clicks.
I knew where I’d find him. The downtown district is full of non-conformist beatniks – lumbering around in large packs like prairie bison. What if this was all for nothing? What if I was pursuing the wrong person? Maybe he was much more refined — off shore bank accounts, suave dresser, expensive car, Rolex — the whole bit.
The once roaring fire of optimism within me was now turning into a smoldering pile of doubt as I watched the markers tick by. I could feel my foot easing off the accelerator as my reservations intensified. I decided to pull off for a bit and make sense of everything.
I ordered a coffee – no cream, no sugar. It was hard to keep myself from pulling napkins out of the dispenser and shredding them on the table. The smoke was heavy – a thick blanket of it hanging above the greasy diner tables. My mind was still in overdrive, but my thoughts were halted by an angry woman that stood up and threatened to off the male sitting in front of her. I could sense the tension mounting in the atmosphere after the blow up. Maybe it was the caffeine. Either way I decided to leave a tip and exit before I was the recipient of a misguided projectile.
Going back was intolerable. I’d been beaten this time, but not destroyed. What sense would it make to continue this pursuit? Tracking down one anonymous hacker and removing him would be like containing an influenza epidemic with a single can of Lysol. Let him have his kicks for now, I thought. The poor bastard has his coming…
-Happy Blogging Private Eye Bitchers…
- Security Brief: Anonymous Operations (news.softpedia.com)
- Hackers Take Over Mexican Government Websites (theepochtimes.com)
- How Anonymous Hacked the Media (thedailybeast.com)
- Following your own path–How to be a socially acceptable non-conformist (onehotmessage.wordpress.com)