Join the Guest Panel
Do you have what it takes to be a guest writer on ChowderHead?
We’re lookin’ for the most raw, uncensored, over-the-top bloggers to help us churn out some high-quality, interactive blog posts throughout the coming year.
We want you to be a part of it.
If you’re super-duper comically-inclined, drop a line expressing your interest.
Oh, and don’t forget to leave your email address. We’re not psychic. Well, sometimes.
Rock On!
Hmmm why do I think I have what it takes? Shit I’d be typing for 4 hours if I put all that down. I’m awesome, funny, drink daily, have sex often, masturbate when I’m not having sex, delayed the zombie apocalypse from starting this past year so all you fuckers get to look forward to a little more time sitting around play x-box pretending to kill zombies. I got shit faced with GW and had a 3-some with Jamie Pressly. Plus you guest blogged for me. Oh and I’m running for president in 4 years. I figure I can’t be any worse of a vote then what we have had this past election. Vote Rob for Jobs!
Ok, let’s see….
…drink’s daily…yes
…zombie’s…yes
…excessive masturbator…yes
Ok. You’re in. Details to follow, Radar
WOOHOO. I will do my best to make you proud. LOL
F*ck you, I don’t want to be a part of your little guest panel, BEEEAATCH. But here is my email address just in case–1-800yousuck@hotmale.com
Is that really your email address?
Actually, I lied. It is 1-800yousuck@hotasianmale.com
Kozo, you’re reading too many filthy magazines. Playboy’s much more classy that the shit you’re reading. Plus, they got good articles.
Dear Adam,
I should be on your guest panel. You’ve known me for a brief yet infinitely rewarding period of time, but I can assure you that I am undoubtedly the most dynamic individual you’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. I believe we first met when we shared a bus seat as I was commuting between my regular day job and the local orphanage, where I teach Braille to Polio-ridden blind children. You commented on the size of my Slurpee and asked why my iPod was so fucking loud. I was going to tell you to go to hell for interrupting my public transit meditation, but then I realized we were both listening to Pink Floyd and I immediately put my switchblade back into my pocket.
I speak 16 different languages, I can calculate monetary exchange rates in my head, and I’ve made intricate, fully-working models of every famous bridge in the world using only toothpicks, twisty ties, and pineapple-flavoured Hubba-Bubba. I write test questions for Mensa, I’ve perfected the one-handed, two-storey pizza dough flip, and I’m one of the only people in the world who truly gets Nietzsche. Plus I’ve just demonstrated that I can spell Nietzsche. I’m fucking deep.
Many people (well, my mom, for one) could easily rave on about my charming character and addictive personality, but time and space do not afford me the luxury of recording every one of my magnificent qualities. You should just include me. My rates are reasonable and, most importantly, all those charges in North Dakota have been officially dropped. Headshots are available from my agent.
Fondest regards,
Ad-libb3d
What can I say? You’re hired! Brilliant resume!
It’s the Nietzsche thing that cemented things, wasn’t it? That line works well when trying to impress women in bars, too. Wait, that’s not to say that I’m comparing you to some chick in a bar, I mean, that’s not what I meant… What I meant to say was…aw, screw it. You already said I was hired, and that shit’s in writing now so it’s contractual. Just sayin’.
Dude, you have no idea how excited about this I am. You’re one of the guys I had in mind when I was putting all this stuff together. I’m glad you dropped by today. Is the email address in your Gravatar the best contact address?
And yes, it was the Nietzsche thing — but the spelling part, really. It took be ten fucking minutes to figure out how to spell it.
Shit and shit. How can I top those “resumés?! I want to be on your guest panel for the fame and fortune that will ensue. Well, I’m from Awstraylia, for one. That’s gotta count for something. Here we wrangle roos, dodge snakes, eat scorpions for breakfast and drive Holdens (well, not me personally. I have a little Hyundai Getz that if I smacked into a kangaroo with it I’m sure I would be killed and my husband drives a Mazda ute). I have an opinion on many things and am cynnical about most of them. I do, however, try to avoid religion and politics. Just quietly, by the way, I do think our prime minister is a bit of a cow, and quite bad at running our fine country. I’m not quite as smart-arsed as previous applicants but like to thing that being articulate is all part of my charm.
I’ve done heaps of shit. I speak three languages, have been a Nanny in Germany, was an exchange student in France, was a school bus driver for a number of years, drove in circles around our fine country with a bus full of backpackers, am a qualified chef and have a Bachelor of Arts in Criminology and Criminal Justice … I was also Tupperware demonstrator for a while there. I learned that the top three demonstrators in the USA are drag queens, so went and got me some fabulous. Whenever I do a Tupperware party I don my hot pink wig with spangly little blue mini top hat, my hot pink feather boa, and SERIOUS makeup, and make sure the guests have fun and buy lots of plastic crap. I was also a marriage celebrant, and wore nice suits and so on for it. So far, I have never gotten the two events confused, luckily. Imagine having a celebrant wearing drag queen makeup and a pink wig! I would laugh my arse off if I were the bride! My current job sucks arse. I take bookings for bus trips. We sell either Sydney to Canberra or Canberra to Sydney. I actually get excited when someone wants a return ticket!
Anyway, I’ll shut the fuck up now. Just to recap – I am an awesome and interesting articulate person who has had shitloads of life experience and done heaps of shit and can tell you about it in three languages. Pick me! You won’t be dissapointed – unless, of course, you are looking for an uneducated, foul mouthed – and yes I can swear with the best of them, drinking, smoking, shagging, wanking tosser who is puffed up with their own self importance. Then don’t pick me. Whatever you choose, have a happy day.
Are you interested in doing any type of administrative work? i.e. scheduling my radio interviews, press releases, event coordination.
I’m thinking I might have to consider an Aussie Chicks panel. I think that might be really fucking cool.
By the way, what’s a Wanking Tosser? Sounds dirty!
Er… a wanker is a person who habitually pulls on their penis, and.. well… so is a tosser. lol. So I guess I threw in a bit of tautology for you there. And yeah, I’d love to help out. Radio interviews, press releases, events coordination.. right up my alley! lol.
Wanker is a fun word. My resolution this year is to use it more often.
And, I got you on my radar.
Hahahah you wanker! lol. Just kidding.
It also has derivitaves such as “that’s a bit wanky” or “That movie was a bit of a wank!”
You learn something new every day…
Guest? Hell I thought I moved right the fuck in when I freshly squeezed you after you were Freshly Pressed?!? Hmmm, shit, now that I think of it, maybe that’s why I couldn’t get any juice. Damn. Well you know who I am and I need I remind you Sir Fuck Head that this Bitch is the smartest ass.
Cheri, yes, I know this already. We have big things planned together, and I’m waiting for you to stop fucking around with your hiatus. Email me when you’re done vacationing at home. \m/
I’m wearing pig slippers and boxers and picking my nose as I type this. The other day I sat my naked ass in the snow to see what the outline would look like. But I was smoking a tobacco pipe and reading Nietzsche at time, who by the way, if he was alive today and had a blog, I think it would be called “My Right To Bitch”
Two back to back Nietzsche references. Strange? You know, I am of German heritage — maybe we’re related? I’ll take it as a compliment, how’s that!
lol yeah ok
hahaa I just saw that Nietzsche was in the above comments! I swear that was a coincidence, damn lol
“I want you to be a part of it.”
Then WHY I ask of you do you want a resume?! HOW VERY DARE YOU?! I feel I’ve been reeled in with false promises, led on, sent along the wending track of deceit to the cottage of lies that is this page. As if I need to audition for such a thing, my fame precedes me, I come from the most long-standing incredibly lucrative world-dominating success of a blog already! *cough*
But I GUESS I could audition, help you out, ya know, if only for the show of it. The peasants do so appreciate a good show, I’m very gracious like that. What do I have? I don’t know, I’m so humble, all I have to offer is what my hundreds of grateful friends think of me:
Friend 1 (they are fairly interchangeable so don’t really need names, if they’re not me they’re not THAT important): “Ella’s blog ‘welcome to the alternate planet’ has changed my life”
Friend 2: “her witty observations are not only hilarious but also somehow manage to be both uplifting AND cynical, I wish I were her, she also has lovely hair”
Random person on the street: “I only have to look at this girl to know she isn’t only witty but also very profound”
I have also been kind enough to include a link to my blog (not only so you can see my brilliance but because this audition is good publicity, how’s THAT for smart arsed?!) incase you needed anymore persuasion. I look forward to your call.
Yours Respectfully
Ella The Great *cough*
http://welcometothealternateplanet.wordpress.com/2012/12/26/you-mother-puckers/
Ella, I’m putting you on the list of potentials, smartass. Stay sharp. The interview is coming soon!
OBJECTIVE: Be a Guest Panel Member on the notorious blog, Right To Bitch
QUALIFICATIONS:
Reputable Blogger interested in telling it like it is
Hardworking Writer with privately-owned thesaurus
Can out drink any Bitch blogger under the keyboard, and some of the Dudes
Reliable Reader owns multi-focus contacts AND backup bifocals
Years of Life Experience – How many? Nunya.
A Follower as Loyal any Labrador Retriever
Natural Blonde Badass can pose as Dumb Blonde when necessary
Publicly Idolizes Adam S (I’m in, aren’t I?)
REFERENCES:
Sabbath the Boxador (can vouch for excellence in frisbee-tossing)
Barney the Shepard/Lab (will affirm my back-scratching technique)
Mindy the Rabbit (happens to love my breakfast salads)
SUMMARY:
You would be a fool to pass up this opportunity. I offer to bring a sense of feminine elegance, if not sexy cougarness, to your otherwise rough and rugged blog. I am eager to show you what a woman of my experience can bring, Adam . . .
Jean, are you coming on to me? Good. I see a lot of potential in having a cougar like yourself contributing.
You’re in. Solid resume. I’m impressed with not only your credentials, but also your very streamlined approach to formatting. And the font too. Impeccable font. Good choice.
Details to follow! \m/
Thank you for the opportunity to audition. I will do everything in my power to meet your expectations!
I’ll send you an email in the next couple of days!
Okay A, I hope it’ll take more than F*&^& this, F*%% that, to rock your damn panel!!!? See, I’m tongue in cheek funny, not foot in mouth funny… But I can rock that other jive turkey, bitch slapping, down with your mama crap too… just the pay is too low… After all, I’m in Nu Yawk! Sheesh, let me know bro!
E
Eliz: email me. I need a Nu Yawker…
Don’t have yours hon.
My email address is in the comments WP sends you via notifications… Ta love! 
I totally didn’t read any of the comments above. I clicked the tab, scanned your post, and was all, “Fuck it. ME!” so… ME! I have no idea what I’ll write about, but since you already offered, I’m throwing my hat* in the ring.
*by “hat” I mean “child.” Watch him while I take a nap, k? Thnx.
Can’t wait!
Curriculum Vitae of Crooked Angel:
Went to school – got GSCEs. One of them was in English Language. I was shit at English Literature. I speak a little bit of German – Ich bin zweiunddreißig yahre alt. Meine Mutter ist eine Fotze. See.
I worked some jobs. My last job in the UK, I worked for the ambulance service taking 999 emergency calls. I’ve dealt with a lot of shit…a lot of death, a lot of blood, and even faecal vomit. That was nasty. Now, I write for a website here in Qatar, and I work in the oil industry. Nothing funny about that.
I live in a country where there is plenty to bitch about. Seriously, loads.
I have a very passionate love of the use of the ‘C’ word. No, it’s not Camel. However, Cunninglingus is a close second. Notice I mentioned ‘use’.
I have an equal level of passion/love of shocking my parents with my foul language. Actually, just my dad. My mum swears like a bitch.
I’m funny sometimes. The rest of the time, I’m funny. Unless I choose to be miserable, then I’m a right ‘C’ word.
I hate writing ‘C’ word, but I choose to because the country I live in would probably shoot me if they found out I use it, or if they found out what it means. Maybe Camel was the right way to go with that one…
The use of spacing in my CV slash Resume, has meant this reply is very long. I read in one of your posts that this is an annoying thing to do. I can be annoying, therefore I am a bitch. Perfect, wouldn’t you say?
I like your spunk. I think you’re going to fit in here very well. I’m also intrigued by your experience in dealing with fecal vomit. Sounds like a good pre-dinner story. Please share. No wait. No. I don’t wanna know, but this is definitely a first for me.
I got your email address. Details to follow.
Adam,
Audition? Really?
Listen…I’m a butt-crack construction guy, an internet minister that used to conduct weddings, an atheist, a nudist, an ex-masseur, and a government tax-maggot. My 3-year-old granddaughter yelled “Hey Fucker!” from the back seat after a guy cut us off and that gave me the idea to legally change my name to “Hey Fucker!” so no-one at work would ever speak to me again. It worked better than punching myself in the face like that guy on “Fight Club”.
Do what you have to do. Here’s my highly encrypted email address: draglyne(@)gmail.com
Adios motherfucker.
Red
Government Tax Maggot,
You’re hired, motherfucker! \m/
Hi,
I am bitter about everything….but in a funny way. So I would like to audition for your guest panel and when I get rejected, I will have something to be bitter about and blog about. So for my rejection letter email beng@icomamerica.com. and thank you very little for your time.
Bitter Ben,
Hop on board the crazy train, Monsieur! Join us for a couple posts and ‘audition’ in the comment thread.
I have two bitch auditions over at http://MyMotherCommittedSerialMarriage.wordpress.com On January 17, 2013 I posted “Let’s Talk Germs, Shall We?” I hate, hate, hate it when people use a public restroom and don’t wash their hands. Who wants their pee and poop germs all over everything, especially their E-Coli germs in the cosmetic samples at department stores? (Studies proved it!!!)
Another thing I hate, hate, hate is when people drown themselves in cologne and perfume, then expect me to enjoy their stench. It all smells like bug spray to me. (National Perfume and Cologne Ban Week: January 3, 2013.) People shouldn’t go out in public smelling like RAID or D-CON.
(I won’t call you names or insult you until I get the job.)
Sondra
Sondra,
I’m writing this message from the toilet, on my iPad. When I am finished, I plan to take a cologne bath. I hope you don’t mind.
Hop on board the crazy train for a couple of posts. Leave your *audition* in the comment thread. That will be your test. Bring your cahonies.
Bathe in it, baby, then please stay the heck away from me. Please.
I’ll bring my cahonies [sic]. Female cahonies [sic] might be small, but they can be mighty.
BTW, you wrote, “What’s Poppin’ Bitchers?” This would imply that something is popping them. It should read, “What’s Poppin, (COMMA) Bitchers?” Remember, darling, commas matter.
Hugs,
Sondra
Tell your English teacher to eat my pants.
Gasp! Well, at least you didn’t leave your cahonies [sic] at the office.
I just want you to strive for the best and hitch your blog-wagon to a star!
I sound like my mother. Sorry.
XXOO
Sondra
Thank you, Sondra. I needed a virtual hug and kiss.
How cute! (And excellent comma placement, by the way!) You’re okay, I hope???
Here’s another:
mmmmmmwaaaaaaahhhhh!
Sondra
I’m doing just fine, Ms. Sondra B!
Just found your site today, so I apologize if I’m late to the party. If you’re still looking for people to be a member of the esteemed guest panel, then I’d like to submit myself for consideration.
Why choose me? Well, I spend about 90% of my mental energy arguing about sabermetrics on the internet. (Sadly, this is only a mild exaggeration) Which means that I’ve got a lot of pent up mental energy to actually discuss more interesting topics. (Which is just about anything. Really, just name a subject; any subject. I can almost guarantee that debating it would be more interesting than arguing about sabermetrics)
As for wittiness, my mom thinks I’m plenty witty. (I had a brief internal debate over whether to use the word “my” or “your” there. I went with the more benign option) I’m also tremendously prolific in my use of parentheses, and everyone knows that parentheses are a sure sign of cleverness and creativity. (Do they actually know that? I’m not really sure)
Finally, if you choose me, I’ll actually like appreciate it and stuff. I need some positive feedback in my life. Why just this week, people said that something I wrote was “unreadable garbage” and “looked like an 8th grader wrote it.” (To be truthful, this might have been a compliment since some 8th graders can write better than most adults)
If you’d like, I can provide hundreds of good references. They’re all gonna be aliases of mine, but I’m pretty sure they’ll say good things about me.
Anyway, here’s my email: thecutter45@yahoo.com
Cutter,
You seem to be more than qualified. Lets make a deal though, when we debate something, I win. Deal?
I’d love to bring some people on board to do more Fotoshop Fails. When the time comes, I’m coming to this board to grip up the emails. We’ll talk before then.
Thanks for dropping’ me a line!
More than qualified? Awesome. Of course I now expect my pay to be doubled.