Searching for Felicks Wolski

I have a Dropbox account, which if you’re not familiar, is a file sharing account for really big attachments.  Standard email is to envelope, as Dropbox is to dump truck.  Get it?

Anyways, I signed up for an account a couple months ago and used it one time only to forget about it.  But I ran into a situation recently where I needed to send and receive a few big files with somebody, so I tried logging into my account one afternoon.

ACCESS DENIED.

So I went through that mildly irritating password recovery procedure, which was a red flag, because I use the same password for everything that requires a password, because I have a hard time remembering fucking passwords.  It turns out that I wasn’t using the wrong the password in fact; I was using the wrong email address and attempting to log into somebody else’s account.  Somebody who used one of my email addresses to create it…

…Somebody by the name of Felicks Wolski.

There it was – staring at me in the eyeball from the top right corner of the screen: “Hello, Felicks Wolski”

I had successfully hacked into what was technically, my own account.  And also who the fuck is Felicks Wolski?

Are you Felicks Wolski?

Artist Rendering of Felicks Wolski.

I felt violated – like I was internet raped or something.   Some Austrian man hijacked my email address in order to create his/my/our account.

Or is it possible that there is somebody else who was assigned the same address, and I’m now officially on a most wanted list because of my unintentional hack?   Am I being reasonable in assuming that this man is from Austria?  Does he probably have mutton chops because of his specific geological location?

I’ll never know the answers to these questions.

I can only assume that this is an alias being used to conceal the identity of a Nigerian Lottery Sweepstakes employee of some kind, because you spelled Felix wrong, and there is no reason to use somebody’s email address when there are many still available. 

Here are a few suggestions, seeing that you’re having a difficult time creating an email account on your own:

-          emailaddressterrorist@yahoo.com

-          myparentsgavemeastupidname@yahoo.com

-          muttonchopsplayboy@yahoo.com

In the meantime, my fruitless Google search continues in order to uncover the true identity of this shadowy email address-stealing person.  I may never discover the true origins of the elusive, Felicks Wolski, or his motive behind opening a large file sharing account.  But one thing I know for fact:

Mr. Wolski will not be using this account to send dick pics with, because that will definitely not require a large file.

See you in hell, you Austrian internet terrorist bastard.

Salute \m/

25 Free Sexy-Ass Web Banners on Display

There’s one thing that i know is universally true about human beings:  people love free shit.  They’ll take anything if it’s free – it doesn’t matter what it is.  Say the word “free”, even under your breath, and the cheapskates come crawling out of boxes by the thousands like warehouse mice tracking the scent of a moldy piece of cheese.

In this case, that’s a good thing!  This banner giveaway thingy was a pretty bitchin’ deal, and personally, if someone offered me up a FREE custom web banner?  I woulda jumped on that shit like Charlie Sheen on a pile of cocaine.

Thank you to everybody for the interest, the shout-outs, and the challenge.  My fist is in the air right now so as to indicate, “fuck yes, cool, rock on!”  And if you’d be so kind and generous as to plug me again at some point in the future (that sounded dirty), I’d be eternally grateful, because daddy needs a new pair of slacks.  And he also needs to pay the electricity bill, because it’s hard to write in the dark with a computer that does not work.

Anyways, this is the last time I’m gonna whore on about all of this web banner stuff, because yes, we’re on the same page – it’s very annoying.  But again, remember the slacks and the electricity thing.  I gotta use my “Social Media tools” here.

So, if you’re interested in art and crap, here’s the 25 free banners that people are now sportin’ (or not…tsk tsk…) across the ‘Press.  I added some other stuff too, and left out all the badges and stuff because redundancy.

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Note from a Fan aka Mortimer Schnub

On Long Awkward Pause we have a contact page called “Talk to us Here” that people can use to send requests asking us to write something specific or to answer group questions, or to request nude pictures from us, or to offer us bulk penis enlargement pills at low costs; but once in a great while, we get something really endearing that’s totally worth sharing.

I thought I’d pass on this note that was made out to Chris “The Boss” De Voss from a fan of the site.

Mortimer Schnub

Hi Christopher,

I just wanted to stop by and say thank you for liking my post “The Amazing Niles Munster” on my website/blog Strange World With Dr. Mortimer Schnub. It took me a while to get this thank you out to you but better late than never.

I was about to quit, until my wife of 25 years, Michelle (who helps me type up the posts and puts everything together for me on the site and whom I am nothing without (can you tell she’s typing this email as I’m dictating to her? (She just wanted to make sure she gets her props)) pointed out that you liked the post and that you are a professional writer and well known in the humor blogging community, and that you started a joint blog of humor bloggers. So I have not given up hope that maybe in some small way our site will take off. I know it’s not the regular blog type site, so it will take longer to develop a following, but this has really given me a little more confidence to keep writing and posting. It’s not everyone’s taste but I am old school, my formative years were spent watcing SCTV, Saturday Night Live (the orignal cast), Monty Python, “the early funny” Woody Allen flicks and reading National Lampoon.

Thanks again and if you want to throw me another bone please follow the site as well.

Thanks!
Anthony Cortez (aka: Dr. Mortimer Schnub)
Website: http://strangeworldwithdoctormortschnub.com/

*****

I’m not sure what your story is, Mr. Anthony Cortez, but you rock for leaving a cool ass note like that.  Chris shared it with all of us through email, and it made me smile.  Thanks for rocking and good luck with your venture.

If anyone is interested in showing this dude a bit of support and giving him a few comments to read, you can visit his site by clicking HERE.  I won’t beg you to visit, but I was just thinking back on the first day of my “blogging career” and wondering if anyone would ever read my shit.  They did, but a lot of people helped get to that point.

I think I’ll pay it forward now.

Rock On, Dr. Mortimer Schnub!  \m/

P.S.  Chris De Voss is technically a “Semi-Professional Writer” – just wanted to clarify.  Oh, and he still confuses ‘their’ and ‘there’.  Oh, and one more thing: he, misplaces commas too.

Where Do You Find Your Creative Inspiration?

Ever since early childhood I’ve had this insatiable need to create things.  Throughout life I’ve dabbled in just about every discipline, from music, to video editing, to drawing and painting wall graphics.  The only thing that I haven’t done yet is singing.  Well, if you count singing Guns and Roses in the shower, then I guess I’ve experimented with that too.  But don’t let that get out, sweet child o’ mine, as I don’t have the time for any band tryouts at the moment.  

What I discovered is that being involved in a creative project isn’t just something that I enjoy doing – it’s something that I need it in my life in order to be truly happy deep inside.  That would explain why Art was always my strongest subject in school early on.  The at-home dialogues at report card time usually started off with something like, “Look, Mom!  I got an A in Art!  And I flunked the shit out of Science!”  And yet, despite the number of days I spent being grounded because of my disdain for repetitive, boring-ass T-tables, I’ve always thrown myself into a creative project to find that inner satisfaction.  Whether you realize it or not, chances are likely that the same applies to you too. 

MELTED BOI

Pssh! Anybody can do that…

The way I see it, we’re all creators, and everybody has creative ability.  Art takes on so many different forms beyond drawing and painting too:  needlework, costume jewelry-making, floral arrangements, dancing at the bar or in your living room, doodling, coordinating interior paint colors, picking out clothing, cooking from scratch, clay modeling and pottery, coloring, writing poetry, video editing, buying bath towels – all of these things require some type of creative process.  Given the number of opportunities that we’re offered up everyday, I find it mind-boggling to hear somebody say something dumb like, “I’m just not very creative.”  

Stop right there.  Every human being on this planet is creative.

It’s a requisite – an ability that we’re all born with – and the same intrinsic needs that it satisfies within me, it satisfies within everybody else.  The flavor might be different, but the need is there, and everybody has the potential to excel at some type of creative hobby.  The goal shouldn’t be about becoming the next Rembrant or Michelangelo, but instead, it should be about personal expression, and about developing and learning what defines you and the type of art that fits your style.

And some people define their art by sculpting Gorillas.  Out of tinfoil.

And some people define their art by sculpting Gorillas. Out of tinfoil.

Inevitably, sadly, from time to time that the well of ideas eventually runs dry, and the dreaded block occurs, stifling the creative flow.  Sometimes it feels like it will never end and it’s frustrating as hell.  When it happens, instead of dampening the canvas with tears, or cramming a paint brush into our eyeballs, sometimes it’s awesome to step aside from a project and go out into the real or virtual world and find something inspiring.  It’s so easy to get consumed or preoccupied with your own ideas, and forget that there are a lot of other people out there with great ideas too.

Since we’re all Creative Geeks here, I’d like to ask you a couple of questions:

1.)  What is the most fulfilling creative outlet in your life?  and,

2.)  Where do you turn for inspiration when you’re blocked?

In the meantime, here are some awesome YouTube Videos that I always check out whenever I need a kick-start:

Led Zeppelin, The Immigrant Song – Austrailia ’72

If I’m drumming and my hands are stiff, I always turn to John Bonham to kick me back into form.  THIS is heavy metal, and probably the best live Zeppelin I’ve ever heard.

“Fresh Guacamole” by PES

Stop motion films are just incredible to me, and this is one of the absolute best.  There is an explosion of creative happening here, and every time I watch it, it’s hard not to smile.

“Rejected” by Don Hertzfeldt

If you’re into dark comedy, and/or animation, this one is a must see.  I absolutely love this guys drawings.  Stick around for the ending – it’s the best part.

“Rubber Johnny”  by Chris Cunningham & Aphex Twin

This one is just weird.  You should probably watch this one at your own risk if you have trouble sleeping at night, but it’s definitely creative as hell.

 

Want a Free Banner Designed for your Website?

Howdy, Folks!  Remember me?

It’s so weird posting articles here.  It’s like walking through the old office that’s been hollowed out, and seeing a bunch of ghosts from years past standing around the water cooler having conversations.  Everything is starting to look a bit neglected.  And look, there’s even a thin coat of dust on all of the upholstery and empty keg barrels?

*wipes tear*

Anyways, I’m here to announce something very cool today:

The Chowderhead Banner Design service doors are now open to the public!

I finally graduated from the University of Microsoft Paint!  Just in case you don’t remember how shoddy my Photoshop skills were at one point, have a look back HERE.

In the meantime, because I’m trying to build a sweet-ass portfolio, the first 25 people to contact me about having a wicked new banner designed for their website or blog will get it done for this one-time, low, low price of absolutely free.  Well, almost free.  If you mention me or any one of my websites, social media pages, or services on your blog, we’ll call it an even swap.

Here are a few examples of some fresh designs that I came up with:  (images are hyperlinked)

Graphic Design Banner

New CH banner 2 - Copy

Official Mashup Banner

Linkedin Banner

Emily Banner  Really Good FinalDelilah Banner

Rachael black banner - NewAlien Banner FUCKING FINALAA Forringer FinalAA Banner Final

Blather Bubble Banner

living dead girl bannerWAOT NEW FINALARQ Banner New 2LAP Banner

RFL - Banner

alien final

New Amy Banner - Final        Hot Chick Logo

Sendek Painting Flyer - CopySEO Prodigy Final

Over the Line Banner copy

Facebook Badge

Twitter

Random Fun Fact:

Did you know that Chris De Voss was originally cast as Dorothy in the movie, The Wizard of Oz?

Chris De Voss

Auntie Em! Auntie Em! They’re spying on me again!

But I like him better as a flying monkey:

Chris "The Boss" De Voss

Nice pajamas, dude…

Unfortunately, not everything I’ve ever done turned out this cool.  The whole venture began with a banner design request from fellow blogger bud, Amy Reese, who is currently in the process of transitioning sites right now, which you can read more about HERE.  Anyways, she contacted me about a month ago and asked if I would create a banner for her new site. 

Here’s how it went down:

Conversation with Amy

TRANSLATION:  “Dude, I said I wanted it to look like Madonna – not one of the Olsen Twins after a three week Meth binge.  You’re fucking fired.

Yes, I know, Amy.  *headslap*

Anyways, even if you’re just a casual blogger, a little ‘curb appeal’ goes a long way in attracting readership.  Tricked out websites are really fun to look at, and I’d be more than happy to help out by putting the right half of my brain to work for you.

If you’re interested, drop a line in the comment section, or, Tweet me, or Facebook me, or send a personal email to adam_sendek@yahoo.com.  Ask for Adam.

Rock on!  \m/

Monday Mashups: It’s Friday in Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Official Mashup Banner

Welcome to the very first installment of Monday Mashups!  

Right now you’re probably rubbing your tired eyes and asking yourself, “what’s a Mashup?”  Or, more likely, you’re pounding your alarm clock into the floor with a waffle iron and crying about it being Monday morning again.  We can’t help with the latter because we deal with the same compulsions, so we’ll start by explaining the former.

Mashup happens when two movies, TV shows, or Cartoons are smashed together to create an entirely new concept.  Both usually share a common thread, and the goal is to bring together two unlikely characters in order to create a funny parody.

These are gonna be a lot of fun to put together, and they’ll also give you an opportunity to flex your own creative muscles in the comment section.  Toss out suggestions, or put your own twist on the story!

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“The New Guy”

Chowderhead:

Sarah is a CSS wizard, and I’d recommend her if you’re looking to have some custom work done to your site. I promised her a guest spot in return. So, a short story about drunkin’ vagrants and Jessica Biel.

Originally posted on Living Dead Girl:

Hi there!

Hi there!

Last Saturday I passed out on the couch after a long night of canning down shells of Coors Light, but was rudely stirred awake at exactly 4am by the sound of thudding and grunting coming from the apartment hallway.

It was a confusing moment.  One minute I was running down the beach with Jessica Biel, and the next minute I’m trying to figure out why in the FUCK someone would be moving in at this odd hour of the night.

I eventually rolled off the couch and had myself a looksie through the peephole.

Through the tiny porthole appeared a man; bent over in the hallway, groaning and farting like a donkey, kicking around chicken parts, tinfoil, and broken paper plates, and doing an immaculate job of grinding a spilled container of coleslaw into the carpeting with his wobbly boots.

I thought for a second about how exactly…

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