Tagged: blog
5 Notorious Lines That I Always Get Stuck Waiting In
Maybe it’s the Yankee in me, but I absolutely hate waiting in lines. See, I have this uncanny, superhuman, x-men-like ability to subconsciously locate and endure the absolute worst possible line in the history of checkout lines wherever I go. Someone please contact Guinness. It’s world record wait. Every. Single. Time.
Tip: if you ever happen across me standing in line someplace, even if you really wanna talk to me or get my autograph or something like that, don’t do it. I’ll mail you an autographed picture of my bare buttocks – whatever you want – just do yourself a favor: go stand in the next checkout line over. Even if its twenty senior citizens deep. Trust me.
Here’s a brief list of typical scenarios that I face on a regular basis:
“Hey Coach, I don’t feel so good.”
Dairy Queen
Baseball Team: sextuple (seven) scoop hot fudge brownie boat with sprinkles, half-fat caramel chocolate-mocha frappe drizzle, every single nut known to the Dominican Republic, freeze-dried watermelon rind puree, cat liver, fucking onions, and whatever else you got, lady. After three bites, the kid doesn’t like it or throws it up all over the floor, or on my sweet tennis shoes, and it goes in the garbage. What a surprise…
Grocery Store
Extreme Couponer: Suddenly surrounded by Cameramen emerging from behind counters and repelling from the ceiling by mountain climbing harnesses. Price check on every item strategically packed into four carts. Persistent, overly assertive TV-like drama and bickering with the underpaid juvenile checkout kid with a bone through his nose about the four pennies that should have been saved on twenty eight bags of egg-free noodles that will eventually be placed in a doomsday prepper bomb shelter in order to conduct a shelf life experiment. All I wanted to buy was this stupid Carrot for my Salad. And some cigarettes. And maybe a pack of gum (impulse buy).
The Movies
Popcorn or Pretzels? Butter or Salt? Or both? Or neither? Frozen Coke or Regular Coke? Jumbo or Mini? Hot Dog or Pretzel? Snowcaps or Twizzlers? Eeny Meeny Miney Mo Catch a Tiger by His Toe, if he Hollars Shut the Fuck Up Already and Make a Decision, dummy.
The Bar
Extreme Couponer. Seller Beware.
Dude with a credit card buying a round of the most fantastically complicated shots known to man for every single douche bag in the entire Saloon except for me. Turns around frequently to test the effectiveness of my eardrums by yelling to someone standing on the other side of the bar, which happens to be located somewhere in Paris, France, in order to let the person know that they are having a fucking insanely crazy-fun time getting loaded and preventing me from ordering my very simple Coors Light in a bottle which the bar doesn’t stock because not that many people drink it. Credit Card decline in 3…2…1…
Eat a pile of it, putz…
The Fitting Room
Every changing stall filled with sophomore high school girls partaking in their daily after school fashion show. Yes, please, keep teasing me (not like that, Chris Hanson of Dateline) by making me think that you’re finally done trying on every single halter top on the clearance rack when stepping outside of the stall every ten minutes only to provocatively strut toward the congregation of groupies standing in front of the trapezoid mirror, all simultaneously shifting their half-A cup boobs in front of the people that they ironically find *creepy. I hope all your homecoming dates forget your tickets at their other girlfriends’ houses…
Oh, and a note aside: Next time I’m gonna wait in the parking lot for you little cornballs to pack into the minivan at the designated pickup spot, then drive by you with my car that I am allowed to legally operate with my driver’s license. All while fist pumping into the hot summer air. See you at the movies…
*****
You know, I still have the right to bitch… \m/
- Happy Blogging…on your iPad…while standing in line someplace.
Fotoshop Cameo.
Related articles
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- ChowderHead: A Formal Introduction (thechowderhead.com)
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That Awkward Middle School Dance
For the past two weeks I’ve been relocating every single piece of shit that I own – and then some – into the all new Chowderhead Headquarters. Forgive me. For those who care, I’m still very much alive.
I decided to spend the first night that I didn’t have to run out and buy ‘stuff’ by testing the smoke alarm in my 600 sq. ft. dwelling. It works. Not only is it loud, but there are two of them that beep at the same time. They talk too. A female voice told me to stop cooking and to exit the building in a single file line with all the other pissed off residents.
After about ten minutes of listening to the incessant, loud beeping, I decided to just turn the radio on. I couldn’t find the clicker to change the hippy-music station that was on, but quickly decided that it was my only option to drown out the sound. My neighbors now have two good reasons to hate me.
After a couple of songs I began to realize why I prefer head banging and mosh pits ( \m/ ) over club humping and booty-grinding. A flood of awkward memories from an earlier point in life drifted into my subconscious mind. One particular memory stood out: 8th grade Halloween Dance.
I kinda looked like this. But skinnier. And geekier.
I remember being absolutely stoked about it. Not just because Halloween is my favorite holiday, but because it would be the first ever legit school dance. It was gonna be off the hook: costumes, decorations, spiked punch, heavy metal, and chicks. Lots of them. All I needed now was a sweet-ass costume to reel ‘em in…
The days leading up to the big dance peeled off the calendar, and before I knew it, I was darting out of my mom’s minivan in front of the school in my badass Zorro getup. (Editors Note: Momma’s boy)
Ok, two things:
1.) A Marketing professor once told me that minivans are appealing to women because they look like a pregnant woman. Ironically, he was never married.
2.) Don’t ever go to a middle school dance dressed as Zorro.
That’s not Paul from The Wonder Years on the left. That’s me.
With cape fluttering behind, I ogled all the decorations through the hand cut eye holes as I stormed into the front hall of the school. I could hear the music blaring from inside the gym as I excitedly handed my prepaid event pass to the ticket zombie (volunteer mom).
The hallway leading to the music was decorated with hundreds of Black and Orange balloons, spider webs, skeletons, monsters, event posters, and a few stragglers mingling outside the gym. Everybody turned as I stormed past. It was definitely the costume. I was a virtual clone of the dashing Zorro.
After turning a few heads, I exploded into the entrance of the gym, took two steps inside the door, and stopped dead in my tracks. It was at that moment when I realized that I was the only clown in the entire gym dressed in a Halloween costume – not just any Halloween costume – one that consisted of a cape, fake leather boots, a penciled-on mustache, and black tights. That my mom made.
I back peddled through the entryway of the packed gym before anyone really noticed, escaping with only a few snickers and jeers. There I stood, in a dark corner of the hallway out of sight, contemplating. My heart felt like it was gonna burst out of my chest and my face began to flush. I felt so stupid. Did I not get the memo? Was this a practical joke?
With sweaty hands, I peeled the mask from my face, exposing the redness that had formed on my cheeks and forehead. In a matter of milliseconds I’d gone from standing on top of the world to having the world standing on top of me – smashing the toes of my fake leather boots.
At this point, I didn’t have any way out. I couldn’t go back in that gym. At the other end of the hallway I noticed a Ping-Pong table swarming with the school’s uber dorks. Of course they were all wearing costumes. Clearly, that’s where I belonged.
I just stood there watching the uncoordinated geeks whiff on every serve. Then they argued. Then they whiffed. Then they argued. In the meantime, I just stood there shamefully peeling off layers of my once proud costume. All I could think was just blend in, Chowderhead, just blend in.
And that’s how I spent the rest of the night…
******
Everyone has a ridiculously funny story from their awkward middle school years like this. I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t still a little bit of residual hurt left. It’s an awkward time, and transitioning from being a kid to an adult is a painful process.
That’s why it’s important to never stop being a kid.
- Happy Blogging, Chowderheads \m/
Minivan undergoing a C-section.
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Think Happy Thoughts and Try Not to Hurl on the Plane
I picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue…
Alright, so dig this, I’m going on a solo flight in a couple of days and I’m wiggin’ out.
I’m not all that big on flying, so I’ve been spending a lot time in the fetal position, whimpering like a sissy. I thought this might be sort of therapeutic for me, ya know? Write it out, Adam, just write it out…
See, I’m not one of those people that’s afraid of crashing and dying. Honestly, I can think of much worse ways of expiring, like, for instance, being eaten by Hannibal Lecter. That would suck much more than a really brief, but really fun, roller coaster ride into the ocean.
Maybe I shouldn’t tempt fate…
What I am afraid of is all of the ridiculous scenarios that I create in my mind before I even set foot on the plane. Consequently, (I like that word) for the past week and a half I’ve been chain-smoking and building a collection of virtual self-help books, which now rivals the Library of Congress. At the moment, I’m working on a chapter in one of my anxiety miracle cure books called, “how to stop worrying about spraying projectile vomit all over the guy in the seat next to you.”
That would be one of those ridiculous scenarios. Not that it wouldn’t be possible I guess, but I haven’t tossed my cookies since I was an infant. That is of course if you don’t count that one time when I went to that Lebanese restaurant after a night of heavy drinking a few years back. But that was only like a violent vurp – not really full on hurl.
In any case, I realize now that not only do I have this longstanding phobia of just about everything, but a particularly bad phobia of all things vomit. God I hate that word. They actually have a name for it too: emetephobia. Gnarly!
What’s your sign? Do you have kids? What do you do for a living? Have you ever had a prostate exam? I really like airplane peanuts. What time is it in Amersterdam? Oh, and don’t call me Shirley.
Emetephobia, is what self-help guru’s refer to as an “Irrational fear.” I would have to agree, it is irrational, because chances are likely that I’m not really going to give two shits about the guy sitting next to me for a number of reasons:
1.). He might be an armrest-stealer.
2.) He might be a talker, which means kiss my Yatzy Addict Tournament goodbye.
3.) He could be a projectile vomiter, which would do absolutely nothing to help me rid myself of emetephobia.
I hope he’s just an armrest-stealer…
I’m rambling now. Shut up, man. Does this give me a free pass for slacking on reading everyone’s stuff? I’m acting like such an attention whore right now, I know. Please tell me to stick a sock in it and man up.
Oh, and I still don’t have a clue what I’m gonna name this blog, not that it’s all that important, but you know, The Artist Formerly Known as My Right to Bitch is gonna be a really hard one to plug to random strangers on the plane: “Hey, you should read my blog, it’s called…wait, do you have about five minutes to spare?”
Ok, bye.
Louisiana or bust…
…Say what?
-Happy Blogging\m/
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My Right to Bitch Facts and Fallacies
Look at me goin’ all Prince up in here…
This informal name blogging contest thingy is getting fun! Thank you so much for all your suggestions. Honestly, you guys are a clever brand. I’m in good company. Oh, and Calahan, stop being so damn funny.
Anyways.
I always wanted to do this. This post is like a magic trick explained – debunked. I’m blowing the mystique of David Blaine so to speak. Of course, I’m only assuming that you too think he has mystique. If not, disregard the comment.
Today is a continuation of this whole cleansing/purging ritual that I’ve succumbed to. I wanted to take this opportunity to present to you a list of fallacies about me and this page which you may or may not have mistaken for fact. If I were a famous musician this might be something you’d find in the “box set”. Some of it you may find shocking. Some of you might even hurl. So, grab a bucket and keep it close.
Behold, MY RIGHT TO BITCH unmasked:
MRTB Fallacy #1 I Loath Hypothetical Questions.
In two of my past posts, Hypothetically Speaking, and Still Speaking Hypothetically, I spewed off about how much I loath unanswerable questions. This a fabrication. I actually love ’em. Find as many as you can and I’ll find a disturbingly creative way to answer them.
MRTB Fallacy #2 I’m Not Into Small-Talk
In another post, 5 Creative Ways to Avoid Small Talk, I played the role of a social-phoebe. The truth is, I’ll talk to you until your ears bleed. There’s nothing in this world I love more than chillin’ out on a patio, in the middle of the summer, drinkin’ beers and yackin’ it up with good company. I’ll even pay. However, if The Bragger, Story Teller Steve, Religious Rick, or Political Pete show up, the party’s movin’ indoors, followed by a deadbolt. Oh, and I am Too Much Information Guy. But you knew that already…
MRTB Fallacy #3 I’m a Picky Halloween Candy-Eater
Back in October, Don’t Be a Halloweiner included a list of sucky candy not to pass out to trick-or-treaters. I told a white lie. There are three items on that list that I actually love: Mounds, Almond Joy bars, and Raisinettes. Whoppers still actually do suck. As a kid I never liked any of them, however. I think all kids are genetically hard-wired to hate those candies. That much is true, so don’t pass them out. Seriously, this is science talking. Never argue with science. Unless you’re catholic.
MRTB Fact # 1 The Fruitless Pursuit of an Anonymous Hacker is a True Story.
I do dumb shit like this all the time. I get riled up about something, then drive around trying to figure out a plan to right all the injustices of this world. I usually give up soon after departure, and head back with my tail between my legs. Then I end up sitting down someplace to chain smoke and mull it over.
MRTB Fact # 2 Suze Orman is One of My Role Models.
Yes, you read that correctly. She’s kind of turdy most of the time, but the chick knows personal finance better than you. And me. Although, despite her financial wizardry, she’ll never be protected from future Fotoshopping efforts. Ever. It’s too easy. Speaking of, she’s also not really missing a tooth, but I think I mentioned that already. You gotta admit, it was a seamless Fotoshop-job.
MRTB Fact # 3 I Voted for Bush
Both times. I can already see the comments…
MRTB Fact # 4 I Love Reading Books
The problem is that I rarely finish any of them. I’m not that big on novels, however. I don’t think I’ve made it past the fourth chapter of any of the so called Classics. Go ahead, blast me. The problem is that I get sidetracked when people speak in fucking Olde English. I’m sure it’s a classic, however, I found the first forty pages or so to be extremely uninteresting and confusing. Plus, I would much rather make up my own stories. Side note: I have to credit my Grandma for teaching me how to story-tell. When we were little kids she’d always make up bedtime stories on the fly. They were all better than any of the crap I write.
MRTB Fact # 5 I Do Poetry and Short Screenplays
But you won’t find any of it here because it’s not for prying eyes! I’m not Spielberg or Edgar Allen Poe by any stretch, but I dabble in both from time to time. Scripting is actually the reason I started the whole blogging thing in the first place. See, a lot of people that write scripts (not me) are really fucking snooty. They act like they’re all carrying around the next Forest Gump Screenplay. Give me a break. I always wanted to make a Short Film, but it’s virtually impossible to network with people in the trade. Ah bite me. Now I write blog posts instead. It’s funner. More fun, I mean…
Anywhoozle, I feel better. If you have any deep, burning questions for me, ask now or forever hold your peace.
In the meantime, I’m gonna go grab another espresso. With some vodka in it.
- Happy Blogging, Rock Stars \m/
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The End of My Right to Bitch…
What?! You’re pullin’ my leg! Say it isn’t so, Adam?!
I’m sorry. It’s true. After the week has concluded I will have purged every last ounce of negativity and whining out of my frantic fingertips, and My Right to Bitch will be no more. Bankruptcy has been declared. Liquidation has begun. The podium mic unplugged for the last time…
Bonnie Raitt has absolutely nothing to do with this post.
Ok, let’s not get all overdramatic about this. I’m not going anywhere. Yes, I’m a bit choked up about the decision, and it’s a bittersweet one, but it’s time for a rise in consciousness. Sort of. The direction of the vortex has been reversed, and new and exciting horizons are on the…uh, horizons. Wait, that sounded stupid. That doesn’t even make sense?
I’ll come back to it.
Here’s the deal: Daddy needs a new name for this domain. The catch? I’m not gonna be the one to pick it. That’s your job. I know, I know – like you give a rat’s ass about naming my blog, and probably wondering out loud, “what’s in it for me?”
Oh-Ho-Ho! I’ll tell you what’s in it for you!
The winner of the name my blog contest will win an all-expenses-paid trip, including airfare, hotel, and deluxe accommodations, for a 6 day, 7 night trip to Cancun, Mexico. You will be stayimg in a presidential suite at the fabulous Mayan Palace resort, furnished with a golden toilet and lots of chocolate and berries and stuff.
Hahahahahaha! Yeah right! Who do you think I am, fucking Oprah Winfrey?
Yeah, you’re definitely not going there on my dime…
Ok, for real this time: The winner of the name my blog contest, as it is will be officially known by, will earn a guest of honor spot, right here, where you will be Comedy Central-style Roasted by yours truly, and become part of the last ever My Right to Bitch rant. This will probably be in history books one day…
I’ll be experimenting all week long with some sucky titles that I had in mind already, as well as revisiting some memorable posts and interactions with a ton of faithful followers.
Keep in mind, we ain’t ditchin’ the parties around here, and my brand of humor ain’t part of the liquidation process either.
Here’s the new tag for a little bit of inspiration:
“Rooftop Keg Stands. Pyrotechnics. Unruly House Guests. An Occasional Orgy, and Rock and Roll. Grab a Cup. Five Bucks at the Door.”
So, put your thinking caps on and drop your best ideas in the comment section throughout the week..
I’m counting on you. Tick, tock…
- Happy Blogging \m/
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Le Clown and Me in the Dirty D
Yes boys and girls, you read that right. The Ring Leader of the wackiest circus show on earth popped in for a day long tour of the Motor City, and guess who the lucky shmuck was that had to babysit his ass?
It’s been a week and I’m still recovering…
I’m convinced there was no way of preparing for the unexpected visit. In less than twelve hours, the powdery little freakshow turned my hometown into a raging dumpster fire. See Exhibit A.
Exhibit A. Le Clown *beautification project.
To find out more about all the ridiculous antics, outbursts, and clowning around, check out my guest post today on A Clown on Fire: http://clownonfire.wordpress.com/. It’s a goody.
If you’re really bored, check out http://www.theimpersonals.com. At 10am EST, they’re gonna be featuring that goofy Fotoshop post of mine from last week. Drop off a rock star salute!
Oh, and I just watched Bar Refaeli make out with the Godaddy nerd For the first time. Wow does money talk…
-Happy Blogging \m/
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Failing at Fotoshop
I have a dirty little secret to share with you all today — one that I’ve been withholding for some time now. I can’t live with the guilt anymore, and I’m finally ready to come clean with it: I’m Photoshop illiterate. I’m not proud to admit it, but I’m still floundering away at The University of Microsoft Paint.
If you’re not familiar already, MS Paint is a watered-down photo editing program that comes standard with every PC. The only thing it’s useful for is drawing a perfect circle, square, or trapezoid, then filling it with any of the three primary colors. It’s one step above an Etch-o-Sketch.
Since I’m in a giving mood today, I thought I’d give all you graphic artist snobs an opportunity to point and laugh at some of my crudely-edited pictures from the past. Up until now, none of them have seen the light of day. The tour you’re about to take should give you an idea of what I’m working with here.
In short, my graphic design skills are about four feet shy of a slam dunk.
Behold…
…Exhibit A.
I’m a wizard at blacking out teeth. Lucky for me, Suze Orman is already missing one. The caption saved this one. The sketchy-looking thought bubble did not. Grade D+
…Exhibit B
The caption saved this one too. Grade: D
…Exhibit C
What began as a Chariots of Fire-inspired tribute to Michael Phelps, ended in a craptastic horn sympony of wet farts being lit on fire. I blew this on so many levels. First off, I butchered the name. Phleps? C’mon man. Secondly, the Olympic Rings look like they just got off some Woodstock hippie bus after eating a handful of brown LSD. Needless to say, this one didn’t bring home the gold — or any medal for that matter — just a raging case of genital herpes. Grade: F
…Exhibit D
This one’s actually believable — all things considered. In case you’re wondering, that’s Pat Robertson‘s head about to get slamma jamma’d by MJ. Grade: C-
…Exhibit E
Where was I going with this one…This was actually an old piece from my graphic design portfolio. People who interviewed me described it as being preposterous, laughable, and harmful to pregnant women. One guy even called a couple weeks after the interview to tell me he’d gone sterile after looking at it. Liar. Needless to say, my computer drawing career never panned out. Now that I look at it again, I can see where they’re coming from. You did’t have to be a dick about it. Sheesh. Grade: F
…Exhibit F
Wait for it…
…Exhibit G
…and boom goes the dynamite. This one gets high marks for originality of content. Unfortunately, I’m not sure The Enquirer is gonna fork over any loot for this Photoshop hack-job. A Kindergartner could do a better job of cutting and pasting. Look at Bush — he looks terrified. I’ll bet this won’t be the first time G-Dub’s had a low mark stamped next to his name. Grade: D+
…Exhibit H
The shading is spot on in this one, but I kinda goofed on Sara Jessica Parker’s hair. Oh, and I totally forgot that she doesn’t eat carbs anymore. Sorry chicky, this ain’t gonna help straighten out the long face —-> Grade: D-
…Exhibit G: *G-Money*
Here’s an exception. Not much wrong with this one. Except for the fried egg in Becca’s hair. It was supposed to be a daisy. Whatever. If you print this out, don’t try using it at Walmart. They just busted someone recently who was trying to score change for a million dollar bill. True story. It’s obvious that Walmart invests heavily in counterfeit and fraud prevention. But who would wanna get rid of something with that pretty face on it? Grade: A+
…Exhibit H
Gary Busey is so grouchy around the paparazzi. I think he has a sugar problem. Or a coke habit. Probably both. By the way, fake blood is hard to do on MS Paint. It looks like cartoon barbecue sauce. Someone give this man a rabies shot. Stat. Grade: D -
…Exhibit I
More pickin’ on Bush. Wait. That came out wrong. Nevermind. If you’ve never seen the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off then you’re probably scratching your wig right now. Congratulations! You’re the only person on the planet that hasn’t seen it. The bong in the photo looks sort of believable, I guess. And it’s patriotic too! Who am I kidding. It all sucks. Grade: D+
…Exhibit J
I can’t imagine his monthly dry cleaning bill. Actually, who cares about that. I’m sending a Christmas card to the owner of the shop. What a saint for handling all those poopy pants. Grade: C
…Exhibit K
I even screwed up my tribute to David Dixon. Wait, is that his name or his nemesis? Either way, you make it look easy, my friend. Grade: F
End of Tour.
I hope nobody went sterile.
*****
If you guys didn’t think this totally sucked, let me know. I have a lot more Fotoshop Fails in the dumpster out back. I could do a weekly bit called something corny like, “Fotoshop Fridays?” Meh. I’ll work on a title…
Oh, and check out the Post of the Week by Alien Red Queen. Nicely written, Ms Lady.
-Happy Blogging \m/
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Strategic Car Buying 101
Author’s Note: I’d like to apologize for any mistreatment and/or agony caused by the profuse usage of capital letters during Sergeant Gunnery’s boot camp tirade. Sadly, the Sarge couldn’t make it today because he is now a semi-permanent fixture on my garage ceiling — courtesy of eight rolls of duct tape. Hoo-ah.
If there were a scientific method for measuring and ranking all the things that suck in this world, car shopping would probably fall somewhere between getting shot in the groin with a potato-launcher, and dealing with a bout of moderate to severe Seafood Poisoning.
Unfortunately, owning a car is a necessity for people like me, and every few years I find myself in the same pinch at the local motor mall.
Shown here: Ron Wiestromski aka “Big Cheddar” or Danny Devito. I can’t tell.
Looking for a car isn’t the hard part. In essence, it’s actually not all that different from putting a fridge on layaway. The part that makes it less desirable than a spud to the hangers is when any of the following semi-fictional bullshit-artists enter the equation:
- Jerry Flannigan aka “The Dice Man”
- Ron Wystromski aka “Big Cheddar”
- Dick McGiven aka “The Shark”
- Ed O’Mallory aka “Fast Eddie”
From that point on it’s nothing but a high-pressure hassle.
Walking through a car dealership is like hiking through the desert with a piece of rotting meat tied to your back. From the moment I pull into a lot, there’s always some greasy sales buzzard wanting to shake my hand before I can put my foot on the blacktop. After introductions, I’m getting forcefully shoved past the econo-car section of the lot, and tossed into a pile of Corvettes, Cadillacs and Monster Trucks.
Meanwhile, there sits a tiny, imaginary man in my head, behind a xylophone, frantically playing an ambiguous tune. It’s a circus melody that perfectly captures the stress and confusion of the moment.
Many people feel the same way about the whole experience as I do. However, they go about preparing for it the wrong way. Most folks look to generic buying guides like Consumer Reports or the Suze Orman Show for tips and strategies on how to buy a car. This advice is shoddy, at best. Neither of these pop-resources highlight that being approached by a haggling salesman is an Act of War.
If you wanna avoid the runaround and get the most bang for your buck, car shopping requires a tactical, military-like approach. Hopefully you’ve already completed Tuesday’s Basic Training. You’re gonna need it.
Let me break it down by operation.
Operation 1: Reconnaissance
Begin by surveying the dealership for a few days with a pair of binoculars from across the street. Behind a bush. Determine which day is staffed with the fewest amount of Sales Pests. Identify a breach area. Keep a log sheet of your observations. Take pictures if you can, and carry an infrared lens.
Sarge, you gotta chill out with the Capital Letters. I have very sensitive readers…
Operation 2: Infiltrate the Enemy Establishment
After the surveillance operation, enter the lot at the identified breach area, and park as far away from the sales office as possible. Stealth is key. Use the vehicles in the lot to shield yourself. Stay low to the ground. Remember to camouflage: sweat pants and a dirty T-shirt with a Budweiser logo on it. You’ll be hard to spot if you look poor.
Operation 3: Create a Tactical Diversion
You will eventually be targeted. Remain calm. The key at this stage is to create a Tactical Diversion that will delay and/or weaken the offensive strategy of the oncoming insurgent. Note: the following tactics are battle-tested, but may lead to a brief jail stint if executed poorly.
Choose from the following list of Diversions based on your scenario:
- Parking Lot Tag – When the Sales Pest has captured you for introductions, immediately initiate a game of parking lot tag by firmly tapping him on the chest and yelling out:”Tag, you’re it!” If he doesn’t give chase, insult his mother.
- Cops and Robbers (or Cowboys and Indians) – This tactic is also childish. But who gives a fuck. Integrate a lot of somersaults and barrel rolls on the pavement into your evasive routine.
- Panic Button Hand Grenade – Request a set of keys for a vehicle. Once you receive the keypad, hit the panic alarm button and launch it grenade-style deep within the enemy compound.
- No Speaky English – If you’re not confident in executing any of the above tactics, use language as a sales barrier.
Operation 4: Identify Target Vehicle
While your Sales Pest is trying to catch his breath, and/or bent over a car, puking his lungs out, survey the enemy compound and identify the target vehicle for a test drive. Make sure it’s a Ford. And make sure it’s not Gold or Burgundy.
Operation 5: Highway Storm
After you’ve targeted a vehicle to test drive, request the keys. Bring your Salesperson. If he politely declines, try softening him up by applying reverse sales tactics: place your hand on his shoulder and ask about his beer league softball career.
After he’s in the vehicle and buckled up, put the pedal to the metal. Really open up the engine during your test drive. Do things to the target vehicle that you wouldn’t do with your current vehicle; brake torquing, neutral slamming, red-lining – get a feel for the beast.
If the salesman shits the seat, Abort Mission.
Operation 6: Negotiate Hostage Situation
At this stage, a hostage situation could mean one of two things:
1.). You’ve landed yourself in the sales office and are negotiating the price of a car.
2.). You’ve landed yourself in jail and are negotiating the terms of your release with a lawyer through a piece of bulletproof glass.
We’ll concentrate on the first one.
This is your opportunity to put the hammer down. At this point, the enemy should be showing signs of Post Traumatic Stress. Use these symptoms to your advantage. Make a lot of sudden, jerky movements, and drop things on the floor, like a stapler, to create loud noises. If that doesn’t work, try a computer monitor. This will keep the enemy in a vulnerable, defensive state of mind.
If executed properly, he’ll do whatever it takes to get you the fuck out of his office. When he’s cowering, immediately submit a low-ball offer on the Target Vehicle. Hold eye contact. After he prints a contract at the newly negotiated (low-ball) price, illegibly sign on the dotted line. Do not shake hands, and do not turn your back to him while exiting the cell. Before fully carrying out your exit plan, bark. Like a dog. Do it with passion and fury.
While he’s under the desk, make your break at full sprint.
Eat my Pants, Suze Orman.
What’s the battle plan when you go car shopping? Please share your funny stories!
-Happy Blogging, Private First Class \m/
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- Bucks Blog: What I Learned the Hard Way About Leasing a Car (bucks.blogs.nytimes.com)
Welcome to the Writer’s Block Party!
Let’s try visualization: Imagine that this pencil is your writer’s block. And then snap it in half and go ape-shit crazy. No, just kidding. Go back to visualizing.
It’s been recently called to my attention by a voluptuous, Strawberry-locked friend of mine, that many are experiencing a serious bout of writer’s block at the moment. Throw me in the mix. However, I’m not ready to hit the panic button just yet.
I have a solution.
Let’s put our heads together and have a Block Party for Writer’s Block — A Writer’s Block Party!
Another good idea that you can thank me for later.
Here’s the scoop:
I just realized the other day that everything that I post requires a hell of lot of work. All of it a testament to my perfectionistic (I know it’s not a word, bite me) personality. So for tonight, and tonight only, I’m shutting off the internal monologue. I encourage you to do the same.
I’m finding it difficult to sit in front of a computer night after night– trying to write. Key word: trying. I’ve noticed that sometimes it works, and other times it doesn’t When the words are flowing and sentences are writing themselves, I know that what I’m writing about is something that I feel strongly about. However, when I’m forcing it, someone else may as well be writing for me. It’s not the authentic me speaking, and authenticity, to me, is really important.
Trying to write something is like trying to pinch a loaf on a low-fiber diet. It’s straining and could potentially cause serious health problems. This whole thing is supposed to be fun – not work, but sometimes it feels like just that. If things aren’t flowing (pun intended), maybe it’s best to step back and have a casual writing session.
Enter: Stream of Consciousness.
Last one in the pool’s a rotten egg! Dur.
I made a personal goal for myself tonight: free write. Just write for the hell of it, and not for any other reason. I don’t care if two people or a thousand people read this. I’m just writing for the fun of it. A random thought popped into my head and I’m running with it.
If you do pop in and join the Writer’s Block Party, I’ll be around to hash out all of our frustrations in the comments. After that, try free-writing, yourself. It’s a liberating feeling. Remind yourself tonight that this all about having fun, and do just that. Write for the sake of writing — not for any other superficial reason.
Let’s get a brain storming session going tonight.
And then, let’s all do the hokey pokey together, because in essence, that’s what it’s all about.
Let the fiber be with us.
-Happy Blogging \m/
Related articles
- Is Writer’s Block a lack of internal permission to write? (orestn.wordpress.com)
- #FWF Free Write Friday; Writing RAW with Author, Rebecca Tsaros Dickson (kellieelmore.com)
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Still Speaking Hypothetically…
I can’t think of a better way to kick off the MRTB 2K13 Campaign then by drop-kicking a few more Hypothetical Head-Spinners into the dumpster — along with a lit match.
Le Clown, I don’t want to have to stop the tape again. Please stop doodling on your name screen.
If you weren’t here for the last Q and A shit-show, make sure you check out Hypothetically Speaking (Part I) for the rules of engagement. Otherwise, sit back and relax while myself and a MagnificientTM friend of mine launch another list of stupid questions into space orbit where they belong.
Cut the lights. Fire up the Amps.
Pyrotechnics standby.
Head explosion beginning in 3…2…1
Round Deux:
…Would you be willing to have your left middle finger surgically removed if it somehow guaranteed you immunity from all diseases?
I’d rather get coughed in the mouth by someone with the Ebola Virus than have my left middle finger removed. It’s the second most important extremity on my body. If I were left handed it would be number one.
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Easy question. Because the Zoo would suck without the monkey exhibit. Watching a rabid Chimp spaz out and fast-pitch a stinky, banana flavored hand full of monkey dung at some dude eating a sandwich? That’s what I call money well spent.
Well worth the price of admission.
Le Clown: Who gives a fuck. Le Clown evolved from man, so why do we still have man?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
I don’t know about you but I’m not that eager to wipe my face with the same towel that I dry my dinner exit with. After the first use you’re playing with fire.
Standardized Post-Shower Drying Procedure:
Zone 1: Head Zone 2: Shoulders Zone 3: Knees & Toes Zone 4: “Area 51″ Zone 5: Hamper
Does pressing the call button on an elevator multiple times really make the lift come quicker?
If you’re pushing the call button from the lobby and trying to reach your bathroom on the 85th floor after drinking 14 beers, no. If you’re pushing the call button from the lobby and trying to reach your bathroom on the 85th floor after eating a plate of undercooked wet burritos, definitely no. In any other circumstances, yes.
“You’re gonna wanna make sure you’re bundled up around mid-week because we’re expecting some heavy snow accumulation, and temperatures dropping all the way down into the Cold as Fuck range.”
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
In order to answer this one we’ll need to use a little weather math:
Equation:
If 32º F is freezing… and 32º F minus 32º is… 0º F… carry the 1…
Take the |absolute value| and multiply (x) by the derivative2 of the fractal binary equation. Multiply that value by the Square Root of (y)…
…According to my calculations the answer is Cold as Fuck.
Anything below zero is cold enough to make snow come out of your nose when you sneeze. That’s all you need to know. Welcome to January in Michigan. Our State Welcome Center Sign should read: “What the Hell are you Doing Here?
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
The first egg was invented in a lab by a Hungarian scientist in 1968. The first attempt was a miserable failure, and resulted in the accidental creation of a plastic-shelled egg filled with jelly beans. After several tries, the first chicken was hatched in an incubator a couple months later. The lab technicians named the hen Erzsébet. The first Easter holiday was celebrated the following year. Sadly, Erzsébet died before the party, but her offspring Piroska, and György were present.
They were dropped into a deep fryer later that afternoon.
Le Clown: Wrong. The answer is Le Clown, and his ego. Or did the ego come first…
Is there a time limitation on fortune cookie predictions?
Yes. It expires when you break the cookie open. Most people don’t know this, but in order for the fortune to be fulfilled, you have to suck on the cookie until it dissolves – including the little piece of paper. It’s a messy and horribly uncomfortable procedure. Give it a try.
Send pics.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Le Clown: No. It’s considered another fuck-up by Big Pharma. Fuck you, Big Pharma.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but checks when you say the paint is wet?
Because it takes roughly thirty seconds to wash paint from your hands, and about 3000 years to count to four billion. How desperate are you to validate this claim?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Le Clown: Fuck you, Yoda.
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
This one’s actually a tough question. There are countless transportation options for getting to work in the morning. Let’s try putting it into a multiple choice format:
A.) Cross Country Skies B.) A Pair of Stilts C.) A Pogo Stick D.) Flying Saucer E.) Shovels a path and walks there on his hands
The multiple choice format did not help.
If Felix Baumgartner farts while breaking the sound barrier and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Le Clown: I don’t know. But farts jokes are funny. Pull my finger.
Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it?
The purpose of the dot is to remind the user that any finger is a viable option for calculating or dialing with. You can even use your thumb to push the buttons if you’d like.
Erzsébet’s offspring: Piroska, and György. Photo taken at the first annual Easter party.
There’s probably a former Press Operator reading that’s not finding this very funny.
Sorry dude. You still rock. \m
Oops.
Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?
I’ve never been to Hell personally, but if I had to guess, the angry residents there are probably telling jerk-offs to go to the DMV to get their driver’s licenses renewed. If said Hell resident really wanted to insult the jerk-off in question, he’d probably tell them to go on a Saturday afternoon. That place sucks.
*********
Alright. Time to clean this place up. I gotta head next door to my neighbor’s house and try to explain to him how his car started on fire. This should be interesting. Wish me luck.
One last question for you:
What if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about?
*Rimshot*
- Happy Blogging \m/
P.S. Go check out the Post of the Week by Sunny Days in D.C.
And That’s How My Mom Ended Up On The Stage With The Male Strippers. I Swear.
Good stuff.
Related articles
- Hypothetically Speaking… (righttobitch.com)
- What Do Missiles, Paul Reiser, and Elevator Farting Have in Common? (righttobitch.com)
- 2nd Addendum: Fuck you, Autosave (fearnoweebles.wordpress.com)
