You didn’t think I’d let you down, did you?
As promised, here’s the second half of my gift to you this Christmas season: A short buying guide for that lazy bastard on your list. We all have one of these special people in our lives. You know, that guy or gal that shows up to the gift unwrapping party with a handful of scratch off tickets, or a gift card from the local drug store.
Feel free to get offended if you own one or more of the following items. I don’t care. It’s been a stressful holiday season per usual, and I’m sick and tired of all of you people once again.
Let the last-minute shopping fiasco begin.
Here’s a few gift ideas:
Why bother vacuuming your 40 square foot apartment the old fashioned way? Pick up a Roomba Vaccum, and free up an extra ten minutes a day for your lazy friend to do more important things like watch the Food Network, and grind Cheese Curls into the sofa.
You may want to consider an extra battery pack and a custom GPS upgrade in order to navigate around all of the shit that’s probably laying on your lazy friend or relative’s floor.
Make sure you explain to the gift recipient that it doesn’t do a very good job of sucking up dirty underwear or pet scat. Those items should be removed first before sending this double-A battery powered, dust-busting Magellan on it’s filthy floor adventure.
Key Benefit: No more walking behind a vacuum cleaner.
“Make a tee pee, over the mountain”…er, no wait. “Grab your partner, dosey doe.. here’s my bow…” Ah fuck it.
Velcro shoes don’t require memorizing some stupid shoe-tying poem before the user can start enjoying the benefits of these strap and go sneakers. Not only are they a highly fashionable gift idea, they also have orthopedic benefits, too. Colors available: Matte Black, and Breast Milk White.
Key Benefit: No more shoe tying.
The Extender Claw is an awesome gift idea for any lazy bastard. The long, trigger-powered arm makes it possible to reach virtually anything in a room without having to get up from a seated position.
Make a bowl of cereal, empty the litter box, and even take out the trash. The best part? You don’t even have to leave the couch
Key Benefit: No more needless standing up.
Here’s a great stocking-stuffer idea. Gerbils make great pets for lazy bastards because they’re low maintenance.
You won’t have to do anything stressful like walking or playing fetch. Just put it in an empty fish tank, cover it with wood chips, and watch it sleep.
When the day finally comes that you have to part with Fluffy the Gerbil (in two weeks), just flush it down the toilet. No muss, no fuss. It’s a win-win gift item.
Key Benefit: Hassle-free pet.
Ouch. This one’s gonna set you back a few bucks.
A High Efficiency Washing Machine is the ideal appliance for the lazy bastard in your life. Who cares about all of the eco-friendliness crap. These beasts can wash three weeks of dirty laundry in one shot.
Don’t feel pressured to explain to your friend or relative all of the bells and whistles. It won’t take long for them to figure out the only two settings they’ll ever need: Cold and Heavy Duty.
Capacity aside, these things take so fucking long to do a load of wash, he/she would probably be limited to one load a day, anyways. Of course, that’s probably still one load too many…
Key Benefit: Less laundry-doing.
The clapper is another great stocking-stuffer idea. If you’re running dangerously close to midnight, just buy a whole bunch and throw them in a box. Put a nice bow on it if you’re feeling guilty about it.
Clap on, and watch the Pee Wee Herman breakfast-making machine twist off a pair of scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. A few minor adjustments to the unit, and it might even spit your breakfast out in the shape of a smiley face.
Key Benefit: Less time spent flipping light switches.
I hope you’re carrying a few credit cards today.
The Segway Scooter is a great item for those that hate walking to places, like for instance, the bathroom on the other side of the sofa. The Segway will take you there in a jiffy, and all you have to do is stand up. Calories are precious. Don’t waste them.
Even though it’s a big ticket item, the good news is that if you decide to buy one, you’ll never have to get your lazy bastard friend or relative another Christmas present again.
I might splurge this year.
Key Benefit: A great Calorie-Conserver.
Ok, time to come clean.
I wrote this while standing in the checkout line at Best Buy earlier this morning. I did it on a tablet that I had to pick up for myself. One down, twelve more people to go…
If you’re still blazing the holiday shopping trails today, this article would probably be more useful to all of the people that normally buy for you. Godspeed, in your antler-decorated Durango sleigh.
Merry Christmas to everyone — even the lazy bastards.
-Happy Blogging \M/
Apparently, Santa Claus went on another week-long bender up at the North Pole and decided to drive his sleigh right through the pilgrim picnic table. Give that slob a DUI ticket and throw him in jail until December. Run tell that, Rudolph.
What the hell’s going on here? When I was a kid the Christmas season didn’t start until December. Nowadays, people are tripping over pumpkins trying to get their lights stapled to the house. It’s no wonder the rest of the world hates the U.S. We’re not thankful for anything unless its a 50% off Black Friday deal. By next year, we’ll all be eating turkeys stuffed with candy canes, and it’ll only progress from there. I’m holding a clump of mistletoe above my back pocket right now. You know the procedure…
Maybe I’m over-reacting. Maybe Santa’s just addressing his chronic procrastination once and for all. Congratulations. It only took a couple thousand years for him to figure out that it’s a lot easier to manage the big delivery day by planning ahead a little more. I’m probably way off though. Common sense leads me to believe that someone who’s capable of delivering trillions of parcels in one evening probably isn’t thinking about Christmas past the month of December. It’s not like he has a thirty day return policy – that’s your problem, kid.
If that’s the case it begs the question: what exactly goes on at the North Pole Headquarters for the rest of the calendar year?
I’d imagine there isn’t a lot to do up there — regardless of what time of the year it is – other than play with some kid’s Xbox or GI Joes. That means Chris Kringle is probably out at the bars getting looped on eggnog when he isn’t wrapping presents. I can picture his jolly ass stumbling back to the house — drunk and belligerent — telling dirty jokes to all of the disgruntled elves, and decking the halls with moldy beer cans. That might explain the beer gut and rosy cheeks.
And to think, for all those years you were convinced he was eating the cookies and milk you left out. Yeah right. The deer ate those. Saint Nick was eating your leftover Chinese food in the fridge, and pounding down half your liquor cabinet. If it’s linked to seasonal depression, I apologize. I’m way out of line.
He can’t be all that jolly though. How many managers have you worked for that haven’t been complete jerk-offs during a high-stress work week? Whatever they’re all uptight about pales in comparison. Try dealing with his mess. Stop crying about your yearly inventory…
Hostile Holiday Takeover
The reality is that it’s quickly becoming like a corporate merger, or more accurately, a hostile takeover. The Chris Kringle Corporation has gained majority market share of consumer focus during the month of November. As a result, the Pilgrims and Turkey Corporation have agreed to sign over their rights to the official Thanksgiving holiday. From now on the two entities will act as one. Here’s what we can expect moving forward:
- It will be mandated that Turkeys be stuffed with garland rather than traditional bread stuffing
- Christmas lights, decorations, and trees must be in place no later than November 1st
- Thanksgiving floats must incorporate at least one Reindeer, Elf, or fucking Jingle Bell
- One member of every U.S. household must spend at least one night camping outside of a big-box store prior to Black Friday.
To hell with all that. Since nobody else wants to celebrate Thanksgiving anymore, I’ll just have to enjoy it myself. In loving remembrance of the holiday, here’s a few things that i’m thankful for.
Things I’m thankful for
- Microwaves — There’s a good chance that many of my future Thanksgivings will consist of microwavable Turkey Dinners and Hot Pockets. Keep me away from stoves. The only thing I know how to do well with a stove is start grease fires. Bless you Mr. Microwave oven inventor guy. Two minutes is about how long I like to wait before I eat anyways.
- Electric Blankets — My favorite winter time activity is sleeping. I’m like a bear. My metabolism slows to a crawl, and my heart rate drops to about 12 bpm’s for the duration of winter. Without the aid of an electric blanket I might not ever make it out alive.
- Jessica Biel – What a hottie. That’s all.
- Amazon.com — When the mad shopping dash starts, I’ll be sitting at the finish line drinking a glass of eggnog. Three days after that, all of my online orders will be wrapped and sitting under the tree. Take that you fist-fighting consumer whores.
- Aspirin– I’ll definitely be stockpiling these for the holiday season. I usually keep a bottle on me anyways in case I run into a small talker. I think it would be kind of fun if they fit in a Pez dispenser. At least I could have a chuckle before I double over from a holiday-induced migraine.
- WordPress — I’m really glad I stumbled upon it. There’s nothing I miss more than having a homework assignment on Sunday nights since graduating. At least this homework has been fun…
I don’t wanna hear anymore Christmas music, talk about shopping, or see any holiday lights. To the chunky guy in the red suit, I say wait your turn. Let’s not be hasty in hustling the Indian Corn and Hand-Turkey art projects back into storage just yet. This is supposed to be a time to relax, and to put out the family feud fires from last Thanksgiving…
…Enjoy your Holiday, consumer whores.
What Are You Thankful For? Make ‘em good…
- Too soon for Santa? When Mr. Claus gives pause (mercurynews.com)
- Thanksgiving Trivia – What is the earliest date Thanksgiving can occur? (jeromeshaw.wordpress.com)