Yes, you heard that correctly. Another one of those “in the name of Art” people is apparently stuffing her love donut with balls of yarn and knitting sweaters from it, in an expression known as Vaginal Knitting.
I guess cramming a fistful of Dominos up the bunghole was a bit too risque’.
Cooter-crafter and self proclaimed “feminist artist”, Casey Jenkins, is the pioneer of this fishy new trend. According to the Huffington Post, “Jenkins has described the piece as “arousing” and promises to work non-stop during the days she’s knitting, come hell or high water… or menstruation.”
Ms. Jenkins is obviously not in possession of a Webster’s Dictionary, because she is incorrectly using the term “arousing” in this example. There is nothing about this act even remotely arousing. In fact, I think it would be more likely for me to get a boner from gawking at a napkin dispenser with Icy Hot on my danglers, than from watching this weaver’s beaver in action.
I can’t imagine many people are attending the Jenkins residence for Christmas either. The people that do show up are probably all sitting around on plastic-covered furniture, unwrapping their ugly sweaters with rubber gloves on that were issued to them upon entry of said residence.
Jenkins’ Son: ”Cool, another sweater!”
Jenkins: “Now go run and put it in the dryer, sweetheart!”
Why, in the 21st Century, with all of the these crazy new apps, High Definition TV, internet porn, and State Parks, are we regressing to things like this for entertainment purposes?
The day that anyone I’m dating comes home and tries to talk me into wearing a sweater that fell out of her birth canal, is the day that I start sneezing gold coins. I mean, it would be cool to have an endless financial source and all, but the point I’m trying to make here is that it isn’t very likely to happen. Ever.
Sanitary reasons aside, there are also potential health risks like, burns and abrasions, and getting it stuck up in there. And for those of you who have ever gone night fishing with me, you’re already aware of how painstakingly difficult it is to untangle a ball of line without a flashlight handy.
Given the constraints of human anatomy, this would be a slight chore. It may even require a brief hospital stay if scissors are introduced at any point. But, I would advise scheduling a doctor visit prior to the self-removal procedure. And then I would advise you to invest in a board game like, Monopoly.
What will it be next…
Cheers to Another Ugly Sweater-Wearing Holiday, Chowderheads \m/
- “Oz” brings you “vaginal knitting!” (adscam.typepad.com)
- “Vaginal Knitting” Is the New Thing in Activist Performance Art (gawker.com)
- “Vaginal Knitting” As Activist Performance Art (joindahunt.com)
At first, I respectfully declined his offer.
I’ve never seen the movies, and I was pretty adamant about remaining a Star Wars virgin [no pun intended]. But in the name of trying out new things, I decided to sit down and finally give it a chance.
CH: What the fuck is this?
TD: It’s a Star Wars Test that I wrote.
CH: Are you serious?
TD: Of course! How else am I gonna know whether or not you actually watched ‘em?
CH: I’m not taking a Star Wars test.
TD: When you finish it, gimme a ring and I’ll swing by in the Star Cruiser and slap a grade on it.
CH: You mean your Honda Civic?
TD: Same difference.
The first mistake I made was deciding to sit down and watch the movies after ingesting 45 grams of tryptophan. Needless to say I didn’t get very far. I think I lasted about forty five minutes into the first movie before my turkey dinner pimp-slapped the hat off my head.
So, I had to fudge a few answers on the stupid test he gave me. It was an honest attempt.
What is the name of the first episode?
Who blew up the first death star?
Those Furby things – the short ones with the bow and arrows.
Who is the chosen one?
Who is Anakin’s father?
The guy with the flash light sword and the belt around his dress. Lou Piebaker?
How old is Yoda?
I’m not sure, but he’s senile and slightly dyslexic.
Who is used as a template to create the clone army?
*Please rephrase this question.
How does the Emperor lure Vader to the dark side?
I’m pretty sure it was a hand job.
Name one good thing about Jar Jar Binks
This character doesn’t ring a bell, but I’ll tell you one bad thing: his parents are pretty fucking lazy name-givers, because his middle name is the same as his first name.
How does Palpatine‘s dentist still have a job?
I think the answer to this one is also a hand job.
Who wins the battle between Anakin and Vader?
Who shoots first, Han or Greedo?
Speaking of hand jobs…
Greedo sounds greedy, so he was probably the first shooter.
Are Boba and Jango related?
I believe they were dance partners, so yes.
How long do Luke and Leia date?
You know, Leia strikes me as a bit of a snob. And if I were Piebaker, I would have dumped her off at the first bus terminal on Mars after about 15 minutes.
To what is Yoda responding when he says, “Judge me by my size, do you?”
It was the part where him and Harrison Ford were comparing their penises in the star ship break room.
I called Twindaddy the following evening and he stopped over in the Civic. I refuse to refer to it as the “Star Cruiser”.
TD: Well, how’d you do?
CH: Pretty good I think.
TD: How’d you like the movies?
CH: The first one was ok.
TD: I told you they were awesome!
CH: Well, the font actually. I thought the font was pretty cool. And the Tobacka guy I liked too.
CH: Yeah, the hairy dude.
TD: I’m not expecting a passing grade here…
CH: Definitely flunked it.
Maybe some of you Star Wars nuts can do a little better on this test than I did. I honestly cannot answer these questions without doing a Google search. I’ll bet five Monopoly bucks that you can’t stump the Master of the Jedi Universe over here. Drop Twindaddy a trivia question in the comment section if you’re up to the challenge. You’ll probably lose.
Gotta run. Space Balls is on right now.
FOR MORE TWINDADDY CLICK THE BANNER BELOW
May the Farts Be With You, Chowderheads \m/
- 10 Things You Didn’t Know About the Star Wars Universe (thechowderhead.com)
- BLOWS IT, YODA DOES: I Watched The Star Wars Movies For The First Time In 10 Years And Here’s What I Learned (DIS) (businessinsider.com)
- Medicom Toy x BAPE x Milo x Star Wars (retrenders.com)
I couldn’t pass on an opportunity to share this photo that I captured with my own hand. As you can probably imagine, I nearly caused a forty five car pile up on I-75 North while trying to snap a picture with a coffee in the other hand, and my knee fatefully controlling the steering wheel:
Wishing you all a safe and happy holiday weekend with your families. Love you, punks!
Oh, and Meijer, I’m purchasing stock in your grocery store on Monday.
Happy Thanksgiving, Chowderheads \m/
P.S. Make sure to eat a drumstick because the drums rule.
Twindaddy takes the stage today with a behind the scenes look at some obscure Star Wars facts. I was unaware of all of them. In fact, it doesn’t matter because I’ve never even saw the movies. But, I’ll be watching the series this Wednesday for the first time, and take a Star Wars aptitude test on Thursday. I need to study a bit. I’m not good at studying. Anyways, take it away, dude!
You can scour the internet for hours searching for useless Star Wars facts and never run out of material to read. Star Wars is an uncontrolled locomotive of popularity [Editor's note: hmm...] and has made creator George Lucas billions upon billions of moneys.
If you search all of these sites, blogs, and message boards looking for “facts you didn’t know” about Star Wars you’ll notice one glaring element missing from every list: none of them are written by anyone from the Star Wars universe; they’re all written by nerds, geeks, and fanboys [Editor's Note: True, very true].
My name is Twindaddy and I am a stormtrooper in the Imperial Army. There is a portal hidden in my living room closet which transports me between Earth and the Star Wars universe, where I am known as Drun Kenman (clever, ain’t it?). Having unrestricted access to the Star Wars universe means I know things that those nerds, geeks and fanboys couldn’t possibly know. I know these things because I’ve experienced them firsthand, and didn’t see them in a movie or read them in a book.
I have decided to share some of those facts here today, because Chowderhead fucking rocks [Editor's Note: Recant previous Editor's Notes]. So your reward for being a loyal reader of Chowderhead is the following list of 10 things you didn’t know about the Star Wars universe. Things that you won’t find on any other blog, message board, or website.
10 Things You Didn’t Know About the Star Wars Universe:
1.) Kissing your siblings to make a potential mate jealous is an ancient Alderaanian custom. Sadly, since the planet has been blown away there aren’t many people left to confirm this. But Princess Leia did.
2.) Gungan meat is considered a delicacy on most worlds now. This is a recent development, however. The galaxy was unaware of this until Jar Jar was skewered and eaten.
3.) Princes Leia’s hair stylist was a pastry chef prior to being hired by the Alderaanian princess.
4.) Wampas are the result of Wookiee inbreeding.
5.) It’s a common misconception that the dark side has cookies. I fell for that line when I signed up for the Empire, and was livid upon finding out I’d been duped. Livid!
6.) Padme Amidala‘s relationship with Anakin Skywalker was, sadly, not the first time she “rocked the cradle of love.” There was an incident with a younger boy while she ruled Naboo as its queen. Luckily for her, it was kept out of the press by then Senator Palpatine and some cunning media manipulation.
7.) Jabba the Hutt was once a fit and athletic gastropod until his thyroid failed and he ballooned into the immobile pile of flab choked to death by Princess Leia.
8.) It is widely believed that Darth Vader’s required breathing apparatus is needed because the Dark Lord of the Sith inhaled the scorching, toxic air of Mustafar while his body burned just inches away from a molten river of lava, thus torching the insides of his lungs. The reality is that it was the result of a party trick gone horribly awry. Vader had taken an interest in ventriloquism and was attempting to make his dummy talk while downing a flaming alcoholic beverage. The shot went down the wrong hole, flooding his lungs with fiery liquor and rendering them essentially useless. The “trick” was a hit, but for all the wrong reasons.
9.) It is widely assumed that Count Dooku left the Jedi Order due to ideological differences. Chief among those is that Dooku had become a Sith Lord, which the Jedi seemed to frown upon. While it’s true Dooku did eventually become a Sith Lord, it is untrue that he voluntarily left the Jedi Order. Dooku was, well, a perv. He was using the Force to disrobe unsuspecting women he found attractive. Then he would follow up with horribly cheesy pick up lines such as, “Would you like to feel the Force?” or “I’d like to shine my light on your dark side.” The Order tolerated it as long as they could but eventually had to part ways with the salacious Jedi Master.
10.) The Force has a will and wants what it wants, but did you know that sometimes the Force can go back and change the past? For instance, while I was stationed Tatooine there was a shooting in the Mos Eisley Cantina. All witnesses originally remember a human shooting a Rodian. One blaster bolt fired, one fried green Rodian. But as time wore on the Force changed things. Witnesses now remember two blaster bolts being fired. They now remember the man inhumanly jerking his head to the left to dodge a bolt fired by the Rodian then torching the alien with a return shot. There are now blaster burns on the wall behind where the human was sitting. Most people don’t even realize that the past has changed, but I must be too strong-willed for the Force to impose this change on me. It’s just like in the Matrix when they change something and only the people plugged in know something has been changed.
That concludes my list of 10 irrefutable facts about the Star Wars universe, facts that can be found nowhere else on the internet but here. You now have knowledge that no other Star Wars geek has. When the IT guys at work are huddled around the water cooler discussing Princess Leia and her metal bikini, you can march right into the conversation with one of these tidbits. They will be so impressed by your extraordinary Star Wars knowledge that they’ll fix your computer without making you call in a ticket. They’ll reset your password without asking you an annoying security question. They won’t even get angry when you confuse your CD-ROM tray for a cup holder. Again.
This list, my friends, will benefit you all.
Huge thanks to Chowderhead for the opportunity to showcase my utter lack of writing skills here on, um, Chowderhead. \m/
For More Twindaddy click the Banner below:
- What The New ‘Star Wars’ Movies Need: Vergere (moviesblog.mtv.com)
- The Star Wars Expanded Universe: Your Where-To-Start Guide (davebrendon.wordpress.com)
- 35 Years Ago Tonight: The Long Lamented “Star Wars Holiday Special” (outsidethebeltway.com)
Last Tuesday, Spicoli’s father, John Whitney of Society Red, popped in to give a sermon on using Metaphors and Similes to salten up a written piece. It was overshadowed however, by his very limp stab at comedy.
But I appreciate the spin that John gave on writing Prose because personally, I really like the style. As a fan of it, I dig how he incorporates it into what I think he does best: good storytelling.
Constructing organic (I just said organic..) and colorful imagery is a fucking pain in the ass, but it’s a craft that I enjoy, and one that Spicoli Sr. here has clearly dedicated himself to as well.
I draw inspiration from any reading experience where I find myself painted into an author’s world – be it E.A. Poe or pissy blogger, Joe Shmoe. I like to be flooded with audibles; smell and taste the home-cooking; and run my fingers along the framework of the artist’s imaginary world. Reading a story void of great imagery is like eating spaghetti without the sauce; it’s nourishing, but also much like John’s S&M fetish, not very appealing.
What I didn’t realize about John, however – his storytelling abilites aside – was that the guy is an absolute prima donna behind the scenes. He’s the in-law that shows up for Thanksgiving Dinner, empty handed, in an offensive sweater; the guy that requests a saucer of ketchup for his gizzard parts, and fucks away all the expensive champagne.
“Can I pour you another glass of Perrier-Jouet, John?”
In his own words, and while stomping his designer boot heel into the linoleum, he demanded the most lavish dressing room available, requesting a chilled-shrimp spread to accompany his top-shelf brandy and snifter combo.
“Can I get you anything else, John? An ear lobe massage, perhaps?”
I give the guy a two-week notice about his stage time slot and he turns into the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, or Symbol, or Prince, or whatever the fuck his name is, acting like I asked him to bake me an Apricot Soufflé with a lump of Play-Doh and a hot light bulb.
“Oh, would the year 2015 work better for you, John?
I can’t even begin to explain how hot my esophagus felt as I stood in the dressing room doorway – like a mother to an obstinate child – waiting for him to stop primping his mane with a hair brush so I could get him to the rehearsal area on time.
John: ”Could you adjust the temperature in here – thermostat’s over there on the wall next to my Deep Purple concert poster.”
CH: (biting lip) “What temperature would you like it set at, John?”
John: ”Sixty Eight and a half. Oh, and could you call Genie back in here for me? My foundation is looking a little too cakey.”
CH: (adjusts shades) “Anything else, John?”
John: (Singing quietly into the mirror while ignoring me) ”Smooooooke on the Waaaaaa-terr…”
John: “…Fiyah in the sky-ee!”
The combination of finger-drumming on the dressing room table, along with the throaty sound of mouth-guitaring, made me second-guess this whole idea of handing out back stage passes. After downing a half a bottle of aspirin, I began backtracking in my mind, putting serious contemplative thought into how I’d gotten myself into this situation – being Velcro-strapped to Axl Rose.
I’m starting to feel like that straight-edge high school kid that finally grows a set of nuts and throws his first party at his parents’ house while they’re on vacation in Cozumel, only to have the garage burned down in a drunken firecracker accident. (Sound cliche? It almost happened.)
But life’s a story, ain’t it? Sometimes it’s best to throw caution to the wind and just let your hair down for awhile. If your name’s John Whitney however, your hair’s already down.
- Write Like a Rock Star, Chowderheads \m/
A huge thanks to the talented Mr. Whitney for his contribution. Here’s a shortlist of a few of John’s best:
Click Here to Read Tuesday’s Article by Society Red
** John Whitney of Society Red kick’s off Backstage Pass Month today, so please warmly welcome my main man with loving embrace. And make sure to click the banner at the bottom of the article for more of his brilliant work. Thanks for the digs, John. Retort from me coming Thursday…
If you came here looking for ball gags, whips and leather, and the Gimp, you came to the wrong place. Chowderhead will no doubt address those items in some future article so pull your hands out of your pants and listen up! Today we’re talkin’ about dressing up your writing and making it more interesting.
That’s what writing is about, right? You want to inspire the imaginations of your readers with your words and influence the way your readers think. A good way to do that is by using similes and metaphors; two valuable tools that help describe your subject, and inject more emotion into your words.
My blog is a melting pot of different ideas and productions, and I’ve been told my writing is as colorful as the vomit-covered streets in Austin on the Saturday night before Halloween.
A simile compares two typically unlike things and is usually introduced with as or like, as in the above sentence, “…my writing is as colorful as the vomit-covered streets in Austin…”
A metaphor compares two things in a different way. A metaphor will never use as or like in the description. Instead, a metaphor implies that the two objects are the same in some sense, as in, “My blog is a melting pot of different ideas and productions…”
In my last post, Camp Fire and Barbed Wire, I included both a metaphor: “I was a sprinting gazelle; calculating my steps and avoiding all obstacles“, and a simile: “Suspended like a puppet with arms outstretched, I sorted out what happened and considered the various locations of pain on my body.”
Now let’s have some fun with a story about Chowderhead:
He contacted me last Saturday and asked if I wanted to be a part of a collaborative series. The list of guest writers was stellar, and I agreed to join with the stipulation that I would NOT be the first guest writer, and that I would get his material 4 days in advance of my deadline. Simple enough right? Chowderhead then manipulated the conversation and talked me into being the first guest writer. I reluctantly agreed as long as I had his material 4 DAYS IN ADVANCE.
The NEXT DAY he sends me this gem of a message:
Now if you, the reader, were in this situation you might want to write about it in a post describing what a dick this guy is. You could just write “That Chowderhead is a real dick!”, but that really doesn’t relay the magnitude of his dickishness, does it? Using the descriptive colorization of the simile and metaphor we can more aptly describe the full depth of his propensity to being a dick.
For example, we could used a simile:
Chowderhead hustled me like a used-car salesman; he used the familiar “bait and switch” technique and managed to get me to do most of the work while he sat back and laughed his ass off.
Or, a metaphor:
Chowderhead was a fox; not a “hey look at this selfie of my six-pack abs on facebook” kind of fox; but a fox that plans ahead, hides behind a bush, and waits for some unsuspecting mark to come by and fall prey to his tactics.
See what I did there? Colorful, yes?
I hope you learned a little bit about descriptive writing in this post. Now get writing and have some fun!
Click the Banner below for more of John
To the hundreds of thousands (3 people) that reached out via fan mail to express their grave concerns and to shed heartfelt tears about my disappearance, the B.S. excuse that I gave for pulling the Diva Card and dropping off the map was with good reason.
Take a look around. It’s a badass mothertrucker up in here, eh?
After doinkin’ around with the site for the past two weeks, adding drop-down menus, acknowledging past contributors, archiving articles, and designing some awesome new badges, I’m more than relieved to finally pass the typewriter on to somebody else…
Big things are about to happen.
During the hiatus I’ve been collaborating with a super diverse collection of pro-level blogger buddies of mine that I’m absolutely stoked about bringing on board. I’m talkin’ top-notch content on every level, with a little something to tickle the taste buds of everyone short of Gary Busey. The reason Gary Busey will have little interest in everything that I’m hyping about is because none of it resembles an eight-ball of cocaine.
For the next couple of months I’ll be issuing an all access back stage pass to a new guest writer every Tuesday. These brilliant folks will be showcasing to the world their own unique talents, abilities, and wisdom in their respective areas of expertise. On Thursdays, I’ll try my best to recap all the invaluable lecturing with a sloppy rendition of my own. I might even join in and improv on a few of these marvelous gems before they’re rolled out into the ‘sphere.
Here’s a sneak peak at a few Coming Attractions:
(Images are hyper-linked)
Be sure to check out Society Red‘s advice column on writing Prose with a Twist next Tuesday.
- A Twisted Two-Fisted Toast, Chowderheads \mm/
** If you’re interested in contributing to the site as a guest writer, click here.
What’s a Horrorscope you ask? I don’t have a clue. I made it up just now, trying really hard to incorporate a Halloween theme into the word, Horoscope. Mission accomplished.
But anyways, where was I going with this…
Ah, yes! Get your Free Horoscope reading here today!
I figure since this is the season when all the kiddies run around in plastic masks, begging for candy on people’s front porches, I’d pass a little something out here on my virtual doorstep: a glimpse into your future.
Keep your capes away from the pumpkin candles. Be careful of the chainsaw-wielding neighbor guy that I rented for the night standing behind you.
If you would like a free psychic horoscope reading from me today, you must comment using the following format:
1.) First, type the phrase, “Trick or Treat!”
3.) Third, thou shall then raise thine hand and give the Rock Hand Salute: “\m/”
4.) Lastly, ask your question.
It’s simple! But something tells me that 78% or more of participants will still find a way to fuck up the format…
Let me give an example:
Trick or Treat!
I’m a Goblin.
I would like to know how much money I’m going to lose to the bookies next year.
My shoddy intuition says that this could possibly lead to the funniest comment thread in the year+ that I’ve been blowing chunks all over WordPress.
I hope it doesn’t turn out that I’m a psychic fraud. Wait, I should know the answer to that already…
Oh yeah, and one more thing: don’t forget to brush up on your Halloween Etiquette.
- The Crystal Ball awaits you, Chowderheads \m/
- PsychicsForetell.com Announces Even More Ways to Stay Connected with… (prweb.com)
- Horoscope (angiesgrapevine.wordpress.com)
Last weekend, the eclectic and shadowy author of B.L.O.G., Mike Calahan, was gracious enough to fly out to Chowderhead Ranch for an exclusive one on one interview. Good thing, because an email interview would have been way too cheap and easy.
I’ve been following Mike and his unique brand of humor for the better part of a year, and currently work along side him as a part of the hit collaboration, Long Awkward Pause. He’s a quipy, up-and-coming author with a sharp tongue and a robust head of hair – placing him among the ranks of other stylish hair icons like, Elvis Presley, James Dean, and John Stamos.
Like most artists, Mike is a reserved personality, but his work reveals that there’s a whole lot going on behind the coy grin and stylish, black frame glasses. If you haven’t already done so, I’d highly recommend sampling some of his work while enjoying your morning latte.
A dark roast toast to everyone joining this fine Tuesday morning.
Here’s a look inside:
I can’t even put into words how excited I am to have you here. I’m actually sweating.
When you asked to interview me, I just assumed it was because you were desperate for content and wanted to lose readership quickly.
Fret not. I’m fully capable of losing readership without your help.
Let’s kick it off with a burning question – I’m curious about the name “Calahan.” Is there some sort of religious connotation behind it, like, was Calahan an apostle or something like that?
That’s a question I get asked all the time. Well, after John the Baptist was beheaded, the people looked for a new leader with an undiagnosed mental disorder. Rodrigo the Manic Depressive was really into the idea, but then really against it. Drake the Paranoid was convinced everyone was making fun of him. Finally, they settled on Calahan the Dysthymic. Most people became atheists soon after.
As you can probably tell by the expression on my face, I’m not really a man of faith.
I’m not a man of begorrah, so it works out.
I’ll look that up later. Mike, why do you choose to remain such an enema in the blogging world?
I mean, you seem like a pretty private person. Is this accurate?
A bit. I mean, I readily share my credit card PIN codes and SSN’s with curious strangers, sure. But other things, personal things like, oh, ice cream preference or favorite belt loop are things I like to keep quiet. It makes me seem really mysterious and enigmatic, even though I’m not.
“Enigma” was the word I was searching for.
Let me know if you find it.
How’s the coffee?
It tastes fine. I won’t lie, I’d prefer not to have to share a cup, but the coffee itself is flavorful.
Excellent. Describe your morning routine for us. I’m curious how a day in the life of Calahan begins.
Well, after cursing the morning for arriving, I get up and make breakfast for my wife, pack her lunch, then feed the pets. Once everyone is taken care of, I then sit down for a full day of high-stakes online gambling. Let’s just say that Papa owes a lot of people a lot of money. Actually, I’m pretty boring in real life. Bursts of creativity mixed with anxiety about writing as a career is the best description.
Describe your writing style. Are you a satirist? Is most of your inspiration drawn from real life, or are your writings mainly fictional?
I write the occasional satirical piece, but I wouldn’t call myself a satirist. Honestly, I just write what I think is funny, something that I would want to read. Sometimes it is a situation that comes from real life, like many of my blog posts. Other times, especially with fiction, an idea comes to me while watching a movie or reading or even falling asleep. It might just be a gag that quickly balloons into a full story arch or it’s a character for which I want to find a good narrative. I have one short story that I use to play a prank on the reader, actually. The joke is in upending the reader’s obvious (and very natural) inference of the characters and setting. I thought it was funny, but it’s not published, so what do I know?
Now, do you consider yourself a beatnik?
While I’ve devoured a lot of the Beat writings, I don’t consider myself a Beatnik, no. Then again, I don’t consider myself a No-Goodnik, either. Nor am I a Sputnik. It’s possible I’m a nudnik, but I’m not really sure.
Who’s responsible for assigning the meanings to the acronym, B.L.O.G.?
That responsibility falls on me and me alone. I have gotten suggestions in the past, but it’s always a matter of finding the perfect picture to go along with the acronym. It doesn’t always pan out.
Any particular selection a favorite?
My personal favorite is the couple holding hands as they lie in separate beds. I called that one Biblical Living’s Obligatory Gap.
What was it like playing a supporting role in the hit 90′s movie, The Sandlot?
Oh, man. If I had a nickel for every time I got asked…
Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. But seriously, did Bennie really steal home, or was that a camera-tricks thing?
He really did steal home, but there was a camera trick in that he is actually stealing second base. Much like Gary Cooper and The Lou Gehrig Story, that shot had to be reversed to make it appear as though it was home plate. It’s funny how everyone asks me about that movie, but no one ever asks about my roles in Intolerance and Birth of a Nation. Or my years in the old timey minstrel circuit. Or my time as an Andersonville POW in the waning days of the Civil War. Or my years as a double for Amy Carter, during the 1970’s. Or my current work investigating why Marvel’s Agent Coulson looks so much like infamous skyjacker D.B. Cooper and why the government won’t talk about it.
Tell us about your writing process. What goes into writing one of your pieces?
It depends on the piece, but it usually starts with a few notes, then research (when required) and more notes, then rough draft, then feedback from a few selected sets of eyes.
Your writing is flawless. I have to ask, are you paying a third party editor?
I am not paying an editor because my checks tend to bounce. I am currently sleeping with an amazing editor (aka: my wife), so I take advantage of that relationship as often as I can.
Talk about your now defunct teenie-bopper movie critic character, Valerie Atherton.
Valerie was part satire and part social experiment. In response to the seemingly male-dominated, boys’ club world of online movie blogging, I created a character that was opposite in every way possible. Playing to and against stereotypes, the character of Valerie Atherton was young, blond and naïve—but she was (despite an inability to grasp most films [ex: Batman has magic powers, Iron Man has a flashlight heart]) very sincere in her love of movies.
So people weren’t picking up on that fact that it was all a put on, correct?
What were some of the more memorable interactions that Valerie had with her “fans”?
The review that brought the most ire from fanboys was her review of The Watchmen. Specifically, her belief that it was called a graphic novel due to the violence, and that Dr. Manhattan was made of ice. The best response was: “Paint a bullseye on your forehead so that I may barrage you with ‘stupid’ bullets.”
What advice can you offer for other aspiring writers?
If financial stability is a necessity, then don’t become a writer. Hobos have a steadier income than I do. Other than that, my advice is to write what you would want to read. Be your own biggest fan, but also your own worst critic. Don’t let one outweigh the other, though. Maintaining that balance is key.
Anything else you’d like to add, Mike?
I’d like to add my name to a list of successful authors, but that’s more of a lofty goal. The only other thing I could add is 2+2, but the answer I get is generally wrong: Banana.
For more of Mike Calahan, click the banner below.
- LAP Update: Tour Stop Canceled in Kalamazoo, Michigan (longawkwardpause.wordpress.com)
- Because I Haven’t Got the Legs for Dancing (tipsylit.com)
- Mike Callahan: International Man of History – Teaser (thechowderhead.com)
If you’re not familiar with the name Mike Calahan, you’re probably living on a free-floating sheet of ice somewhere in the Arctic Circle. And if that’s the case, call your local cable company, get the Wi-Fi hooked up, and tune in next Tuesday for an opportunity to dive helmet-head first into the genetically-enhanced grey matter of the author behind the blog, B.L.O.G.
It’s a bit redundant, I know. But that’s exactly what makes him a literary genius.
I originally booked Mike for a luxurious, all-inclusive stay here at the Chowderhead Headquarters for last weekend, but unfortunately, he was already committed to some hairspray convention out in Tucson. We’re now set to square off this weekend for a one-on-one showdown.
Designer brand mouse. Collared shirts and ties. The sleekest pair of black frame glasses west of the Mississippi…
I might be in over my head.
See you Tuesday.
- Honor thy comb and thy hair gel, Chowderheads \m/
**If you have questions that you’d like me to ask Mike, drop a line in the comments and I’ll be sure to work ‘em in.
- Because I Haven’t Got the Legs for Dancing (tipsylit.com)
- Paranormal Housekeeping (thechowderhead.com)
- If you had 5 minutes to talk to a Dung Beetle, what would you say? (longawkwardpause.wordpress.com)