I should probably start taking an occasional sedative. At the very least, sample some anxiety medications. Because for the love of Bruce Springsteen, if I get asked one more stupid fucking hypothetical question, my brain is gonna explode all over the person asking. I don’t want that to happen…
There’s something about unanswerable questions that make me uneasy. I don’t like the abstract. I like definitive answers. Like for example, if you were to ask me, “Would you like a cookie?” My answer would be: “Yes, yes I would like a cookie.” Question asked. Answer known. Case closed.
However, if you were to ask me, “What was the best thing before sliced bread?” My mind would flip to *spin cycle*, and cause my head to violently twist off my body. I don’t know the answer to that question. Nobody does.
Hypothetical questions are usually barfed out of people that spend most of their free time sitting in a coffee shop talking about *String Theory* and *Subatomic Particles*. The other half of the time they’re watching Jeopardy.
I think it’s time to start closing out a few of these trivial debates. Or at the very least, volley it back over the philosophical net in the form of another stupid question. I’ll let you ponder it, Einstein. My skull is starting to feel like a ripe tick. Time to blow off some steam…
Head explosion beginning in 3…2…1…
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
It seems that “make a sound” would be a drastic understatement. If a tree comes down in the woods, it’s usually because of a 300 million volt charge of electricity. The thunder-crack and explosion of branches and squirrels caused by the bolt of lightning would be deafening. The answer is an enthusiastic “yes”. If a tree fell in the woods and the closest person to it was on Mars, it would make a sound. A *big sound*. Ok? Settled.
If you were to choke a Smurf, what color would it turn?
I’d like to volley that question back, and instead, ask a burning question of mine: if a Smurf fucked an Oompa Loompa, what color would the offspring be? Trick question. Smurfs are four inches tall. And made out of construction paper.
Which is the correct way to extract toothpaste, from the top or the bottom of the tube?
Do I care? Cut the tube in half already and put the power to decide in the hands of the two lunatics debating it. After you’re both done brushing your teeth, wash your hands. Then check the lock. Then wash your hands. Then check the lock. Then wash your hands. Then check the lock…
What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
I’d hate to have that job. It’s no wonder the DMV is nothing but a bunch of sour-faces. “I’m sorry sir, but we can’t put “bald” on your license, so we’re going to have to examine your pubic hair in the back room.”
Because that’s one of the only things a chicken does. They peck, cluck, and walk. Why exactly are we so hung up on the idea of a chicken crossing a road? Did I miss a vital piece of information here? Ask me something like, “Why did the chicken do the Macarena”, and I’ll tell you that it’s “worthy of further investigation.”
If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, does it go bad if the cow isnt refrigerated?
Yes. I can’t stress enough the importance of the following: Make absolutely sure that your grocer is stocking milk in his dairy freezer that was extracted from a refrigerated cow. Also, make sure that you store your opened Mayonnaise at room temperature.
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Because it’s hard to look for something when you’re head-banging and playing the steering wheel drums.
On Gilligan’s Island, why did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?
She bought a ticket for the *Love Boat*. She boarded the wrong ship. Ditz.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
(Part 1) First off, who throws a gun? It’s not a Boomerang?
(Part 2) Clark Kent wasn’t a neurologist – he worked for the Daily Herald. I’m pretty sure he was making sub-par wages like the rest of us clowns. Probably had a crappy insurance plan to boot. A nose-job procedure would be absolutely out of the question.
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
I thought this was common knowledge. A remote control works like a ketchup bottle. When the battery is low, more pressure is required to extract and utilize the remaining juice.
Side note: God forbid you have get up and walk your lazy ass five feet from the couch. “I guess I’ll just have to settle for another RonCo Informercial…”
If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don’t they fall through the floor?
Because all ghosts are issued a pair of hover boots.
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don’t lay eggs.
What do you want it to carry around, placentas? I’d rather dye eggs than placentas…
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Most people don’t even know how to work the tray table, and you expect them to figure out a fucking parachute? Under duress, no less. “Seeing that we’re in the middle of a 30,000 foot vertical nose-dive, I think I’ll don my parachute now.” It’s highly unlikely that they’d ever get used. Plus, having parachutes would tack on an extra 30 minutes for the pre-flight prompt:
Flight Attendant (demonstration): “Please note that in case of an emergency, you’ll find a very complicated parachute device located under your seat. To put it on, start by inserting left arm into “loop A”, then ask the person seated next to you to help you insert your right arm into “loop B”. Pull thigh harness straps over legs, and connect the four loops with a square knot. Strap yourself to the back of an experienced sky-diver if there is one available on the plane. The parachute has been packed in accordance with federal regulations; however, please feel free to re-pack yours in the isles after the seat belt light has been turned off, and before the arrival of the lunch cart.”
That doesn’t even take into consideration the added cost. You want a parachute? Ok. No more free peanuts. Or water. Or bathroom.
Let’s just keep that cheap floating thingy…
-Rock on, Chowderheads \m/
Click Here for Part II
- ‘Smurfs 2′ Unveils Simple-But-Cute International Teaser Trailer (aceshowbiz.com)
- Who Are You People And Where’s My Horse? (righttobitch.com)
- Why the Chicken Crossed the Road (adifferentstory.net)
- Theologians Answer: Why did the chicken cross the road? (atwistedcrownofthorns.com)