Now that election season is over we can finally yank all those stupid political yard signs. Sigh of relief. But, being the earth-humping, new age hippie that I am, I’m concerned by the tremendous amount of potential waste being generated here. The optimist inside me assumes that someone has a plan to collect and recycle them, rather than toss them on top of a landfill pile. I won’t hold my breath…
Just in case the decision makers aren’t as forward thinking as I’m assuming they are, I’ve constructed a short list of recycling plans that should be considered by your community.
Here’s a few ways we could Make Constructive use of Political Yard Signs:
Build a Retirement Community for Ex-Presidential Hopefuls
Ex-presidential hopefuls deserve to retire comfortably too. I think it would be a nice gesture to have them put up in an apartment community constructed entirely out of yard signs. Sounds green to me? Let’s see how much you love your planet — seeing that you’ve all had enthusiastic eco-plans built into your campaigns. Oh, and no frivolous misuse of tax dollars allowed. We’ll provide whatever amenities you’d like, ex-hopefuls, so long as it can be constructed out of yard signs. A swimming pool you say? Maybe we can figure something out using the plastic ones. Enjoy your golden years Al Gore, but keep your hands off the in-home nurses.
Build a Bitchin’ Croquet Course
My vote goes to a Croquet course. A very, very big one. I’m thinking we might need to zone a piece of land the size of Connecticut to really make this happen. Create more jobs? Done and done! We can even have the course run through the retirement community. I’m sure Mitt is a real knocker at it already.
Olympic Hurdler Training Facility
Bring home the gold young U.S. Olympians, but stop wasting money on all of that high-tech training equipment. Am I the only one that saw Rocky? The Italian Stallion kept it modest. Punch a rack of beef, screw the heavy bag. Political yard signs would make great hurdles for our Olympic track and field hopefuls. Chop, chop, chop, Romney! Chop, chop, chop, Obama! Chop, chop, chop, Gary Johnson! Sounds kind of fun, doesn’t it? Equestrian facilities should also be considered for sign shipments.
Feed them to Goats
Are goats a naturally occurring animal? I’m starting to wonder if they were produced by a lab technician somewhere in the remote Nevada desert. Goats will eat anything short of rocket fuel. Why pass on millions of pounds of potential livestock feed? I say shred all of the signs and ship them off to goat farms. We eat steroid-injected beef supposedly, why not bullshit-injected goat?
Nudist Colony Fencing
I think a large shipment of signs should be distributed to nudist colonies for privacy reinforcement measures. Not for the sake of the colonists of course, but for the sake of everyone else passing by. It seems like all of the people that I don’t want to see walking around in the buff are the folks that love showing off their sag and jigglies the most. Please, embrace clothing! Hearing the term “birthday suit” brings a hot burp to the top of my neck.
Wind Energy Overhaul
Here’s another idea that I’m surprised no one else has considered yet. Experts are always spatting back and forth about how to create more green energy jobs, but the enormous cost and infrastructure required always seems to settle the debate prematurely. Why don’t we just pass out a couple million yard signs to jobless folks and have them fan the turbines? With that much man power, those propellers would be spinning like a ceiling fan. Low cost, high efficiency. I think we might be on to something…
Let’s all raise our glasses together and toast to the end of the campaign trail. Cheers! And remember, there’s no problem that can’t be solved without a little bit of ingenuity…
I’m looking forward to hearing your ideas!
- Woman has political yard signs stolen, receives postcard explanation from thief (cinewsnow.com)
- Don’t forget to recycle political yard signs (vindy.com)
- Political yard sign set on fire (wtvr.com)