You didn’t think I’d let you down, did you?
As promised, here’s the second half of my gift to you this Christmas season: A short buying guide for that lazy bastard on your list. We all have one of these special people in our lives. You know, that guy or gal that shows up to the gift unwrapping party with a handful of scratch off tickets, or a gift card from the local drug store.
Feel free to get offended if you own one or more of the following items. I don’t care. It’s been a stressful holiday season per usual, and I’m sick and tired of all of you people once again.
Let the last-minute shopping fiasco begin.
Here’s a few gift ideas:
Why bother vacuuming your 40 square foot apartment the old fashioned way? Pick up a Roomba Vaccum, and free up an extra ten minutes a day for your lazy friend to do more important things like watch the Food Network, and grind Cheese Curls into the sofa.
You may want to consider an extra battery pack and a custom GPS upgrade in order to navigate around all of the shit that’s probably laying on your lazy friend or relative’s floor.
Make sure you explain to the gift recipient that it doesn’t do a very good job of sucking up dirty underwear or pet scat. Those items should be removed first before sending this double-A battery powered, dust-busting Magellan on it’s filthy floor adventure.
Key Benefit: No more walking behind a vacuum cleaner.
“Make a tee pee, over the mountain”…er, no wait. “Grab your partner, dosey doe.. here’s my bow…” Ah fuck it.
Velcro shoes don’t require memorizing some stupid shoe-tying poem before the user can start enjoying the benefits of these strap and go sneakers. Not only are they a highly fashionable gift idea, they also have orthopedic benefits, too. Colors available: Matte Black, and Breast Milk White.
Key Benefit: No more shoe tying.
The Extender Claw is an awesome gift idea for any lazy bastard. The long, trigger-powered arm makes it possible to reach virtually anything in a room without having to get up from a seated position.
Make a bowl of cereal, empty the litter box, and even take out the trash. The best part? You don’t even have to leave the couch
Key Benefit: No more needless standing up.
Here’s a great stocking-stuffer idea. Gerbils make great pets for lazy bastards because they’re low maintenance.
You won’t have to do anything stressful like walking or playing fetch. Just put it in an empty fish tank, cover it with wood chips, and watch it sleep.
When the day finally comes that you have to part with Fluffy the Gerbil (in two weeks), just flush it down the toilet. No muss, no fuss. It’s a win-win gift item.
Key Benefit: Hassle-free pet.
Ouch. This one’s gonna set you back a few bucks.
A High Efficiency Washing Machine is the ideal appliance for the lazy bastard in your life. Who cares about all of the eco-friendliness crap. These beasts can wash three weeks of dirty laundry in one shot.
Don’t feel pressured to explain to your friend or relative all of the bells and whistles. It won’t take long for them to figure out the only two settings they’ll ever need: Cold and Heavy Duty.
Capacity aside, these things take so fucking long to do a load of wash, he/she would probably be limited to one load a day, anyways. Of course, that’s probably still one load too many…
Key Benefit: Less laundry-doing.
The clapper is another great stocking-stuffer idea. If you’re running dangerously close to midnight, just buy a whole bunch and throw them in a box. Put a nice bow on it if you’re feeling guilty about it.
Clap on, and watch the Pee Wee Herman breakfast-making machine twist off a pair of scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. A few minor adjustments to the unit, and it might even spit your breakfast out in the shape of a smiley face.
Key Benefit: Less time spent flipping light switches.
I hope you’re carrying a few credit cards today.
The Segway Scooter is a great item for those that hate walking to places, like for instance, the bathroom on the other side of the sofa. The Segway will take you there in a jiffy, and all you have to do is stand up. Calories are precious. Don’t waste them.
Even though it’s a big ticket item, the good news is that if you decide to buy one, you’ll never have to get your lazy bastard friend or relative another Christmas present again.
I might splurge this year.
Key Benefit: A great Calorie-Conserver.
Ok, time to come clean.
I wrote this while standing in the checkout line at Best Buy earlier this morning. I did it on a tablet that I had to pick up for myself. One down, twelve more people to go…
If you’re still blazing the holiday shopping trails today, this article would probably be more useful to all of the people that normally buy for you. Godspeed, in your antler-decorated Durango sleigh.
Merry Christmas to everyone — even the lazy bastards.
-Happy Blogging \M/
What is it nowadays with top ten lists? Click on any news-based site and you’ll find at least a dozen of them on the front page. I’m struggling to come up with a reason why. Why not “Top Nine” or “Top Eleven”? Are we too spoiled that we refuse to read a meager nine? Maybe we’re too attention deficit to make it through an extra nomination? More likely than not it’s just a natural occurrence in a country operating under the base 10 numeral system…
I think it might be one of those things they teach in journalism programs to help writers pump out more crap.
I can see it:
Editor: “Jones, I want material on my desk by lunch. Got it?”
Author: “But sir, it’s 11:50AM — that’s only ten minutes from now?”
Editor: “I’ve got a job to do. I don’t care what it is.”
Author: “Yes sir, consider it done sir.”
And thus, another list is born…
Ok, I’ll admit it. I’m addicted to them. Give me anything condensed to a list and I’ll read it. It’s kind of like the cliff notes version of something that I otherwise wouldn’t read. There’s a real sense of gratification in it for me personally, because I can read so many in such a short amount of time. It tricks the mind. It makes me feel like I’m being productive when I’m really not. To add, it’s a lot easier than reading a book. My thoughts on books? [CENSORED] books. Books suck. Give me a top ten list instead.
Even though I’m a slappy for anything in a bulleted format, these compact-compilations aren’t without their flaws. After all, I wouldn’t be writing if I didn’t have something to bitch about. So without further ado, let me take a minute to set down my pom-pom’s and share with you the Top Ten Reasons Why Most Top Ten Lists Suck.
10. They Always Save the Best for First
On every list, the first mention is always the entry with the most bang. Most of the time you can just skip everything else after you read it. If you’re like me, you’re already beginning to pick up on the writer’s bias at this point, and have begun formulating a smart-ass comment for the forum in your head. This rule applies to all top ten lists except for this one.
9. They Never Appeal to the Cynics
Most people get pissed off at the title and click on the article for the sole purpose of bashing the writer’s mom, or posting something about Ron Paul for President in 2012. Start calling the bastards out. Either you start posting stuff with some substance or we start bashing. Make a choice.
8. People Don’t Care About the Topics
50% of these lists are wasted on topics like “ways to find a job” or “ways to get active”. Yeah right, like anybody actually wants to work these days with all of the public assistance programs out there. As far as getting fit goes, people that want to get fit are out getting fit right now, not sitting around formulating a plan for it.
7. The “Experts” are Always Wrong
Most of the time, the list is littered with a bunch of expert opinions. Who the [CENSORED] cares about experts? Everyone’s an expert these days. I think what they actually mean when they use the word “expert” is “some guy I talked to at the urinal next to me when I was on lunch”. First they tell me I’m supposed to eat more blueberries and cheese, the next week I’m going to develop impotence because of all the cheese and blueberries I ate the week before. Make up your minds. Adding the word expert to your piece doesn’t add to your credibility, dumb ass.
6. They Discriminate
As mentioned in the beginning of the article, it’s likely that not every reader originated from a country that utilizes the base 10 number system. Being the big salad bowl that we are, or whatever other PC term they use now to describe the ethic mix, I’d say we’re being kind of insensitive. Lawyers, take notes. It’s time to make some serious changes…
5. They’re Harmful to Our Youth
After conducting a formal investigation of the matter (on Wikipedia), I’ve concluded that people stopped reading around the time that computers were invented. This is an alarming trend. People need to read more, not less (like I should talk). Consequently, the majority of people you interview could name more social networking sites than congressional members — I’m one of them.
4. They Don’t Attract Male Readers, Duh
Authors are going to have to do a better job of connecting with their male audience. Whatever happened to market research? It’s common knowledge that guys don’t go on the internet to read top ten lists, or anything else for that matter; they go online for the sole purpose of expanding their porn libraries – I am one of those too.
3. They’re Not as Effective as YouTube
As effortless as it is to blow through 10 Easy Ways to Get Rich Quick, it’s even easier to go on YouTube and watch the video version of it. Of course if you’re like me, you just end up getting side-tracked watching videos of people draining baseball-sized cysts. If you’re not hip to the jive, this is what we in the community refer to as “The Weird Part of YouTube” – don’t end up there, trust me.
2. They Employ Guerilla-Ad Tactics
Sometimes authors reel us in with a catchy title then slap us in the face with a corny video instead. You know what that means: “You can skip this ad in 9:59 minutes.” You’d have to tie me to a chair and duct tape my eyelids open to get me to sit through an online advertisement. Everyone wants to either sell me something, or change my opinion on an issue that I’ve already made up my mind about. Back off you scaly bastards. I’ll shop when I need to. I don’t need to change my mind.
1. There’s Never Enough Material to Complete the List
By the time the author gets to #1 he/she is usually out of material — really stretching it at this point. That’s the case here…today. I’m struggling mightily to at least come up with a couple of sentences to make it look halfway decent. Awfully anti-climactic, I know. I’m sorry to end on this note…
Oh well, lesson learned. Why stretch it to ten when you only got enough material for nine?
-Happy Blogging You Base-Ten-Loving Bitchers!