I can’t think of a better way to kick off the MRTB 2K13 Campaign then by drop-kicking a few more Hypothetical Head-Spinners into the dumpster — along with a lit match.
If you weren’t here for the last Q and A shit-show, make sure you check out Hypothetically Speaking (Part I) for the rules of engagement. Otherwise, sit back and relax while myself and a MagnificientTM friend of mine launch another list of stupid questions into space orbit where they belong.
Cut the lights. Fire up the Amps.
Head explosion beginning in 3…2…1
…Would you be willing to have your left middle finger surgically removed if it somehow guaranteed you immunity from all diseases?
I’d rather get coughed in the mouth by someone with the Ebola Virus than have my left middle finger removed. It’s the second most important extremity on my body. If I were left handed it would be number one.
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Easy question. Because the Zoo would suck without the monkey exhibit. Watching a rabid Chimp spaz out and fast-pitch a stinky, banana flavored hand full of monkey dung at some dude eating a sandwich? That’s what I call money well spent.
Well worth the price of admission.
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
I don’t know about you but I’m not that eager to wipe my face with the same towel that I dry my dinner exit with. After the first use you’re playing with fire.
Standardized Post-Shower Drying Procedure:
Zone 1: Head Zone 2: Shoulders Zone 3: Knees & Toes Zone 4: “Area 51″ Zone 5: Hamper
Does pressing the call button on an elevator multiple times really make the lift come quicker?
If you’re pushing the call button from the lobby and trying to reach your bathroom on the 85th floor after drinking 14 beers, no. If you’re pushing the call button from the lobby and trying to reach your bathroom on the 85th floor after eating a plate of undercooked wet burritos, definitely no. In any other circumstances, yes.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
In order to answer this one we’ll need to use a little weather math:
If 32º F is freezing… and 32º F minus 32º is… 0º F… carry the 1…
Take the |absolute value| and multiply (x) by the derivative2 of the fractal binary equation. Multiply that value by the Square Root of (y)…
…According to my calculations the answer is Cold as Fuck.
Anything below zero is cold enough to make snow come out of your nose when you sneeze. That’s all you need to know. Welcome to January in Michigan. Our State Welcome Center Sign should read: “What the Hell are you Doing Here?
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
The first egg was invented in a lab by a Hungarian scientist in 1968. The first attempt was a miserable failure, and resulted in the accidental creation of a plastic-shelled egg filled with jelly beans. After several tries, the first chicken was hatched in an incubator a couple months later. The lab technicians named the hen Erzsébet. The first Easter holiday was celebrated the following year. Sadly, Erzsébet died before the party, but her offspring Piroska, and György were present.
They were dropped into a deep fryer later that afternoon.
Is there a time limitation on fortune cookie predictions?
Yes. It expires when you break the cookie open. Most people don’t know this, but in order for the fortune to be fulfilled, you have to suck on the cookie until it dissolves – including the little piece of paper. It’s a messy and horribly uncomfortable procedure. Give it a try.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Le Clown: No. It’s considered another fuck-up by Big Pharma. Fuck you, Big Pharma.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but checks when you say the paint is wet?
Because it takes roughly thirty seconds to wash paint from your hands, and about 3000 years to count to four billion. How desperate are you to validate this claim?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Le Clown: Fuck you, Yoda.
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
This one’s actually a tough question. There are countless transportation options for getting to work in the morning. Let’s try putting it into a multiple choice format:
A.) Cross Country Skies B.) A Pair of Stilts C.) A Pogo Stick D.) Flying Saucer E.) Shovels a path and walks there on his hands
The multiple choice format did not help.
If Felix Baumgartner farts while breaking the sound barrier and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it?
The purpose of the dot is to remind the user that any finger is a viable option for calculating or dialing with. You can even use your thumb to push the buttons if you’d like.
There’s probably a former Press Operator reading that’s not finding this very funny.
Sorry dude. You still rock. \m
Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?
I’ve never been to Hell personally, but if I had to guess, the angry residents there are probably telling jerk-offs to go to the DMV to get their driver’s licenses renewed. If said Hell resident really wanted to insult the jerk-off in question, he’d probably tell them to go on a Saturday afternoon. That place sucks.
Alright. Time to clean this place up. I gotta head next door to my neighbor’s house and try to explain to him how his car started on fire. This should be interesting. Wish me luck.
One last question for you:
What if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about?
- Happy Blogging \m/
P.S. Go check out the Post of the Week by Sunny Days in D.C.
- Hypothetically Speaking… (righttobitch.com)
- What Do Missiles, Paul Reiser, and Elevator Farting Have in Common? (righttobitch.com)
- 2nd Addendum: Fuck you, Autosave (fearnoweebles.wordpress.com)